I'm doing better than I was before, when I first came out, my feelings were everywhere, I couldn't think or focus on anything. I'm mostly more level now, but my feelings keep swinging back and forth, from calm, measured to anxious, broody, to angry to eager, invigorated, alive.... I don't know how to get a grip on all of these feelings, and see clearly. The calm, relaxed me sees things right where they are. I'm gaining a sense of comfort in my understanding of self and my orientation. I can see that I'm at a point where I need to explore to gain more perspective, but my instincts give me a sense of what I need. I know that I'm at a precipice of really learning more about me. I already know I need to connect with a woman, to open myself up to feeling things I never let myself feel before. I need to chip away at my shame and fear. And this will happen in my experiences as I get out and meet women, and make new friends. This side of me knows that I can't focus too much on my label (bi? gay?) and that I can't focus too much on what it all means for my marriage. Those answers will come in time. And sometimes lately I've been feeling so alive when I let myself feel something, when I let something in, when I let my defenses down. Or even just anticipating being open. But then my feelings dip wildly. And I'm feeling all of that built up shame, I start spinning my wheels about all of these open questions about my life. The shame is a theme... I have years of shame built up from sexual abuse, from my feelings for women, from my insecurity in expressing or exploring those feelings. I have shame that kept me in the closet. But I also have shame at being in the closet, not having courage or a strong enough belief in self to just live my life, I have shame for being married to a man, for never having been with a woman. It's this never-ending cycle of shame. There's all of these open questions too that run around and around my head. I think about how my life might have been different if I hadn't been in the closet. It makes me wonder about my orientation. I know that some of my hetero experiences were real, true, intense, authentic. I loved a man once with all parts of my heart and soul. I have felt real, raw, true desire for men. But then...so much of my romantic connections with men have been constructed, built around ideals and expectations. I convinced myself that a deep friendship or my idealised vision of some man was something more than what it was. With women, it was the opposite. The desire, the connection, the emotional pull I felt towards some of my best girl friends, I now realise what I was feeling and why I felt so jealous of their time, why it pained me to see them in relationships. There were attractions that I felt strongly, in early childhood, then in early adulthood (18ish on), that I felt, I enjoyed, I wanted more. But I never let myself experience them any further. I put up my walls, and that was it. I just don't know what to do with all of these feelings....
(&&&) For what it's worth everything you mention seems reasonable, very reasonable in fact. You've got a lot to process. This is probably outright unhelpful but for me rumination was (and sometimes still is) paralyzing. I know that's saying "don't get stuck by being stuck" but for me it was a trap. There's an impossibly fine line between "useful thinking" and "rehashing things to avoid moving forward." I've found that light mindfulness practices/secular Buddhism to be a great help in managing things I can't really control. "You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf," I think is the quote. I found that detachment (however superficial) kept me from being ruled by one emotion/thought/memory or the other. Not sure if this is any help, just one tool I found to be of use. Hang in there. PC
Hi baristajedi! The wheel-spinning could perhaps come from letting insights or discoveries lead to conclusions, such as: "I have once deeply loved a man; therefore I must..." (...call myself bisexual, call myself X or Y for example), or: "I can't deny my feelings for women, but if one showed interest in me I'd get very scared and therefore I cannot..." (call myself "worthy" of being with a woman, f ex). The feelings are there, and in my opinion you don't have to "do" anything except feel them. I agree with PC above that mindfulness tools such as observing without interacting can be useful, I know they are to me when I feel stuck. But you also seem like someone who lets things unravel in their own time, it seems to me you have strong intuition in that way. I can relate a lot, and I know all about spinning wheels! I think sometimes, wheels spinning is the sound of the mind trying not to have the experience that it's having right now. It begins to spin wheels to distract us from our feelings, because our feelings are formless and nameless, and might take us beyond thought.
Thanks for your encouragement and support (*hug*). This is true, I know it has in many points left me motionless, just stuck like a hamster in a wheel. I have finally I think (just in the last couple of weeks), gotten to a point where I want to move forward, I'm really motivated, eager. And so my efforts so far are trying to attend meetups. But then.... in the in-between time, my brain and my emotions start going back into this endless loop. I don't know what to do in those in-between times. I was thinking maybe I should inundate myself with things that chip away my shame, shows and fiction that have a lot of lgbt characters, to keep it in the front of my mind. I'm not sure if that will be helpful or not. Maybe this is another thing I can do in the "in-between" times. Maybe I'll start today. Greatwhale suggested meditation as well. I think that might be a really good idea for me. ---------- Post added 14th Mar 2016 at 07:10 AM ---------- thanks Sorrel (*hug*) Your perspectives are always so helpful, I don't think I've thought of these things in quite the way you talk about them. This is something I am going to try to be mindful of, my tendency to draw a conclusion from my feelings/experiences. Just let them be. I really like what you say about the spinning being the sound of the mind trying not to have the experience it's having... that it serves to distract from those experiences. That would speak to my tendency oftentimes to remain detached and objective about things. I keep things at a distance... it's a defense mechanism. Maybe one of the defenses I need to try to let myself let go of...
