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Why is this the hardest thing in the world?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Sorrel, Mar 14, 2016.

  1. Sorrel

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    Second attempt at meeting and mixing with friendly queer people.

    The LGBT center in my city had an open house type thing. Perfect, I thought, I can sneak in, blend in, be anonymous, ask questions about their activities and maybe join some of them. I was scared and nervous, but knew I could do it. I walked up to the building, but the door was locked. As I peeked inside, a man in a purple shirt came to open it. I thanked him but the purple color made me stare at the floor and avoid him because the color, this "queer" color made me so embarrassed and uncomfortable...

    Walked past him, didn't know where I was going, the building was confusing, I didn't know where to go, there were no signs. It felt so terrible knowing that this man might see me lost. I just walked straight ahead... came to some elevators, stairs... and a door on the other side leading out of the building again. I felt so bad. Then I started to cry. "If I cry I can't go up there and mingle", I thought. But I really wanted to cry.

    I felt shame. I felt so tired and heavy. I felt a sadness I haven't felt since I was a child I think. The worst part was imagining everybody looking at me and laughing. It felt like someone might see me and think "look at that pathetic confused dyke". Back in school, I used to be bullied. The school building I entered each day was similar to this one. Inside, I was trapped in the corridors of other young people's malice. They were unpredictable and confusing. I tried hard to understand their games, but couldn't. I hated myself for years. Again, now, I felt so small and sad like I could never belong to a group of humans. I didn't want to be seen, didn't want anybody to look at me, even though the queer crowd should supposedly be accepting of me it's not about that, I still feel shame, it doesn't matter who's looking. I felt shame back in school too but had nothing to pin it on.

    I don't feel like I'm going to be embraced, I feel shameful.

    For awhile I was crying back there, then I got out a tissue out and collected myself and left through the back door.

    Later, I was helping a friend with some stuff. At one point we were talking about equality, and in that context she said the word "homosexuals". I felt something sharp and icy in the stomach even though the context was positive, she's kind and friendly etc. Does she know about me? It was as though the possibility of me being "visible" had opened and I didn't like it. Horrible thought, that people might know about me and know each time I meet them, each time they look at me.

    What the hell do I do with all this shame? How many years until I am alive? Why does nobody know me? Why is it so far to the nearest human? Where is everybody?

    So much is coming up that I didn't expect yet how could it be otherwise? It leaves me very vulnerable, I'm still struggling with that, having protected myself very well for a long time... it goes against what seems "rational" or "correct".

    I try to observe, and accept... the feelings do overwhelm, like tidal waves, all I can do is stay in them, while they thwart my plans.
     
    #1 Sorrel, Mar 14, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2016
  2. baristajedi

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    (&&&) I'm so sorry you had such difficult emotions in trying this. Big big hugs.

    I'm so impressed with you for keeping up the effort in trying, when you feel badly, you still pick yourself up and try, you should be very proud of that.


    I felt this way through the majority of primary and secondary school. It's so crippling, I know, that fear of being laughed at, rejection.
    I don't know if this helps at all, but the meetups I've attended were *so* welcoming. Nobody expects anything of anybody, everyone is just their own person.

    I wonder how many of the other people in that meetup are feeling similar things. I know that when I go to a meetup, I am so ashamed (of the other side of it), that I will somehow reveal that I'm a coward, I've been in the closet for so many years. It might be reassuring to think that alot of the people in the meetup have been through it, shame and fear and rejection.

    The first few meetups I gravitated to the older (my parents' age) queer folks. It was comforting, something about it made me feel safe, like they could be my guides or something. I'm not sure honestly, I did it unconsciously. Maybe you can try to look for someone who might give you that safe feeling, and try to chat with them.




    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  3. dirtyshirt84

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    I'm so sorry that this happened to you and that you felt this way. Big Hugs (*hug*) (*hug*)

    I think you are really brave for going along in the first place.

    I'm sure nobody would think "look at that pathetic confused dyke" (although I would have this kind of thought about myself too). They would probably think "how can I help this person who is so obviously upset and hurting".
     
  4. confusedbubble

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    Hey sorrel you've done better than me

    I got invited by one of my work friends (who I'm out to) to go to a meet up near us she was coming as support for me because I was nervous.
    I picked her up and drove as soon as I saw the building with the sign on the door I froze and broke down I couldn't even get out of the car I haven't been back although my friend said she'll come with me and drive me there.
    You took a giant leap maybe you could try again and next time maybe ask a friend to come along with you for that extra support maybe they could ask that man for directions to the room and wait outside for you once you're inside, don't give up you're almost there
     
  5. Really

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    I think sometimes you just have to talk yourself into these types of situations. I've done it in the past when I'm new to a group.

    I tell myself that nobody knows me and I can turn around and leave and never come back if I want and nobody will still know me. They don't know anyone in my life so I'm free to come and go until I decide to reveal anything about myself.

    They can't read your mind. You can go into the room and be counting ceiling tiles for all they know. Everybody has doubts and anxieties. Nobody is going to think poorly of you. How could they? They don't know anything about you. Everybody is there for the same reason - to meet people and have fun.

    It's our stupid minds which spoil things, not the people there.
     
  6. TrueSelf

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    It took so many years for that shame to build up and cement itself inside of us. Messages came from so many directions and oftentimes we didn't even notice the subtlety of them sneaking into our soul. Remember, it's NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You just ended up in a situation with a target on your back and you never had anything to do with it being there. And you are not alone. There are many walking wounded who are on the path to finding their beautiful true selves. Again, it took many years to create this cocoon of shame we have hid in, it will take some time to break free. You are taking steps to take care of yourself . . . to honor yourself. I commend you on your courage!
     
  7. Sonetto

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    I am sorry to hear about your struggles Sorrel, but thanks for sharing. And thank you again for your perfect and touching prose.

    I am sure you will overcome the shame and the next time you go to a place like that, you will feel much more confident. You have been very brave, you have taken the sledgehammer of courage and started hitting the concrete of shame. It has cracked and with a few more cracks, there will come a certain moment that it will demolish altogether. However, don't expect too much from yourself. It takes a while before you can lift up the sledgehammer and make the next crack.
     
    #7 Sonetto, Mar 14, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2016
  8. Sorrel

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    Thanks everyone for your encouragement and all your kindness! I appreciate it so! Hugs are on me (&&&)

    Yeah, that sounds like a good idea... and when you say that, I realize that I want role models, I really do. People I can identify with and be inspired by, yeah. And you are right. Good to remember it hasn't been easy for the others either, and they'll be able to relate. Thanks so much (*hug*)

    Many thanks dirtyshirt84, it helps to know I'm not the only one getting that kind of anxious thought (*hug*) We've just got to remember not to take the thought seriously!

    Yeah... you know I'm thinking it's a good thing we freeze and break down. Something is triggered inside. We don't reach our "goal" for the evening but we do realize it's a big deal for us. There's a saying: "Lean into the fire". It might feel wrong on instinct, but it's actually not dangerous! Only emotional, and therefore meaningful. Let's both keep trying!

    Thank you for being a refreshing voice of reason :slight_smile: I agree, this is definitely the best trick in the book!

    True! And isn't it funny how we spend the first part of our lives adapting, developing defenses, compromising, censoring ourselves, balancing on a tightrope, and then the rest of our lives examining our patterns, desires, habits, working to break free of what harms us toward light and compassion. A real hero's journey :icon_bigg

    I love that image :slight_smile: Oh, I think you're right. One thing at a time, then rest, then try again. It feels like shame is turning up unexpectedly both here and there now, in places I didn't expect. It takes me by surprise, and then I'm like "but that makes sense, of course there's shame involved here". I feel like I'm a scientist, examining each little shard of shame so I can understand the bigger puzzle, which put together is that wall, I guess.

    Have a lovely day everyone (&&&)
     
  9. Birdie145

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    Hi, it takes so much courage to eve turn up doesn't it? Do you ever give yourself some positive self talk? I do, maybe I'm mad lol but I say, "Birdie, you are doing SO well!".
    I've had to work really hard at trying to 're build my confidence . Just getting myself to a new place takes courage, so I tell myself you're doing REALLY well.

    Have you tried contacting your groups organizer? Mine offered to meet me outside. There are kind people out there, reach out....one day you might be the person waiting outside to give a newbie courage to step through a door.

    No wonder you cried, it took a lot to get to this courageous point. Don't give up, hugs
     
  10. Sorrel

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    I love that! And yes, I do give mystelf positive self talk. It's even easier to do when I get such great support here on EC ☺ I encourage everyone to treat themselves to as much positive self-talk as the heart desires.

    Reaching out, yes, I will keep that in mind, and try to do it. Thanks!
     
  11. YeahpIdk

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    Oh, Sorrel. I was literally making a sad face while reading your post. I can feel the awkwardness/embarrassment coming through your text. Like most have said, give yourself some props for even showing up! That is so big of you, that you even had the courage to go. That's a really big step. I know you're going through a lot of contemplation right now, and having deep thoughts about how you present yourself and where you fit in within the LGBT community and even people you already know that may not know the full you - but take a breathe.

    Your coming out was not that long ago. Feel these feelings. I imagine it's all a part of your growth in this, and then get back out there and do it all over again! You can leave anytime you want. No one is there to judge you, you're all there for the same reason -- you belong to this smaller community of people. It's not even that small, it's just not the majority. You're special and unique and cool because you know what you want in life. You're in a group of people who don't let words and boxes define them. Be part of those people! They're way better than anyone who lives in the matrix and just sludges around doing what's expected without question, staying in relationships with people and not questioning why it never works out; being unhappy and not really digging to understand why. You questioned. Now go out there and find the answer!!

    **sending you some hugs**
     
  12. MS001

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    I'm so sorry. That is really hard.

    If I were you and going into a situation like that where I had a lot of fear and embarrassment, what I would do (and I am pretty outgoing and ask a lot of questions so this is totally normal for me) is tell the first person I saw in the building, like the guy in the purple shirt, "Hi, I'm new here and really nervous, can you help me?" And aim to get directions to the room AND some introductions to people there.

    Good luck!
     
  13. Sorrel

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    True! Thanks for reminding me. It was one year ago (almost to date) that I began to realize I was coming out to myself. Glancing back in time feels almost like looking at a parallell universe: I'm not the same person today. At the same time I can't believe one year has passed since then. I'm not yet part of an LGBT social life, but I'm craving it so much! Oh well. What is hopefully happening is that I'm finding courage little by little. This is such a huge thing for my entire being, it's as if I can only deal with it little by little. Which is fine, and interesting - for the most part it feels like healing. Thanks (*hug*)

    That's a lovely strategy :slight_smile: I love that kind of honesty, it can be a real ice breaker sometimes. It's not a move I bust out a lot as I'm an introvert but it's exactly that kind of attitude and boldness I need in these situations. Thanks! ☺
     
  14. Logan40

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    I'm glad to hear that others have taken a long time as well. I just started to come out to myself a bit less than a year ago, and I'm still trying to figure out how to explore this more after some therapy and talking to close friends and family. I'm now to the place where I'm less scared and ready for action, but it is still pretty scary.