Hi everybody! I feel a little nervous asking about this stuff, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has identity struggles "later in life" (though, as I'm barely scraping 30, I'm not really that old, hehe). My dilemma revolves around labels. There is incongruity between my romantic and sexual attractions, but moreover, I think the most accurate labels are problematic for me. Since I've had sexual relationships and romantic attractions with both men and women, I think "bisexual" would be the most accurate way to describe myself. But any time I tell people that I feel that way, I get an awful lot of ignorance thrown my way. If people aren't accusing me of trying to get male attention or of being a self-hating lesbian, they're requesting threesomes or calling me a slut. I feel hesitant about being fully out, even as an adult, because I spent a long time being rather repressed in how I felt. Perhaps I should give an abridged version of the story of my past in order to make my questions answerable. As a child, I thought marriage and children were the thing that adults always did, and I had a crush on a boy in kindergarten whom I said was my "boyfriend". In second grade, I had a crush on the prettiest girl in class. When someone else asked if I liked her, I said "yes." I learned pretty quickly after that what the word "gay" meant and that nobody else would let you live it down if you owned up to being "gay" for somebody else. Being from the South, the general thing I heard from grownups were that they "didn't approve of the lifestyle" and that "queers" ought to keep all their kissing behind closed doors. Suffice to say, as I started hitting puberty and noticing female classmates, these were not things I wanted to hear, so I kept it completely to myself. (This was around the time Ellen came out, and around the time I started middle school. I looked up "coming out" on one of the early Internet's search engines, and my dad flipped out. I lied and said I was looking it up "for a friend.") In junior high, I really liked my best female friend, but since she was a pretty huge fan of Jesus, I never told her so (though she was really nice to cuddle with at night.) That's another topic for another day. I didn't have any really sexual experiences until high school, of course, but it was scary. I'm not going into details about what happened to me in the back of that dark movie theater my freshman year of high school, because it's still an uncomfortable memory, but as dirty as that unwanted contact with that boy from the high school dance made me feel, I knew that I would only get a boyfriend and be cool like the other girls if I could get good at sex. My first time, suffice to say, was painful, awkward, and incredibly gross. The guy actually stopped halfway through because he could tell it was hurting me. Plus, I'd never actually seen adult male genitalia before, and I honestly thought it was kinda nasty (still do, actually.) I didn't try sex again for another year after that, but the year after, I really enjoyed the sex because it was with a guy whom I really liked a lot and for whom I had genuine romantic feelings. When he moved away and broke things off with me, I was devastated. Not long after that, I started going with my now-ex husband. I wasn't especially attracted to the ex-husband, but he wanted to have a girlfriend for some reason, and I wanted to have a special somebody in my life because everybody else did. In hindsight, I think he may have been asexual, because he basically never wanted to sleep with me. A few times during our relationship, I was tempted to go to my local gay bar, but was too scared to try. If he found out, or my friends found out, or my family.....I was terrified of that. The first time I actually got to kiss a girl was after our divorce, and I retreated from it rather quickly because I was freaked out by how much I liked it. The first time I ever had sex with one was glorious, but it only happened once because she happened to have a husband herself. I had a REALLY messed up and abusive relationship with a male coworker following my divorce, and even now, my self-esteem is not where I would like it to be. Again, another discussion for another day. The tl;dr version? I have been running from my same-sex attractions for years, and while I am excited to finally have a chance at seeing other women, I'm afraid of what the people who have known me the longest will say. I told my parents at the ripe old age of 26, and they said they were fine with it, but to be honest? I don't know if they really are. I'm mortified at what my grandparents will say, and I'm afraid other people won't believe me because of my past relationships with men. But I'd really prefer to date a woman than a man at this juncture of my life, and I don't want to continue pursuing relationships with men just because it's what others think I should do. Any help, advice or support for what I should do next would be greatly, GREATLY appreciated. Many thanks to all of you. I'm so grateful I found this forum! (*hug*)
It sounds to me like you're looking for a label before you've even had the chance to really explore who it is you actually are. Can you explore without telling your grandparents at this point? Can you envision that at some point down the road, you might have a better sense of who you are, feel more confidence in yourself, and then the prospect of telling your grandparents your truth might look very different? Perhaps there are friends you feel close enough to that you can include them in what you share on your journey . . . and perhaps there are some that you feel don't need to know just yet. If you don't like the label "bi" then don't use it. Perhaps just saying "I'm exploring relationships with women right now" or "I'm in a relationship with a woman" fits better? A label is only appropriate (IMHO) when it makes sense for someone to claim it for themselves. If you don't want to claim it, don't use it. And if people try to push you towards a label ("does this mean your bi"), you STILL don't have to claim it. You can say, "This just means like I said, I'm exploring relationships with women right now." Or like I mentioned in another post, it's also OK not to know and tell others you don't know. Are you bi? "I don't know." I hope some of this is useful. Congrats on your new found freedom and best of luck on your journey to find your true self!
Thank you so much!! I feel awesome in getting that off my chest. There are definitely some friends I feel more comfortable talking about this with than others, for sure - a lot depends on how long they've known me, and where they're from. I've told some friends I've made since I moved about what I'm feeling, and they've been really supportive. But I don't know how people from back home would react at all. I think you're right about the whole thing with labels - it doesn't matter which one I apply, because none seems to really fit quite right. I shouldn't have to pick one at all just to satisfy someone else; after all, they're not the ones who are walking in my shoes. (And since I have a disability that makes walking painful at times, they should be thankful for that, hehe.) I'd love to know more about your journey! Sometimes, stories of how it's been for others is comforting, especially since I feel kind of guilty about not owning up to this until I was in my late 20s.
I suppose my first thought is that if you are bisexual, you would be open to a relationship with whomever you feel a connection with. That next person could be male or female and it would probably not really matter. However, you seem certain that you would like to pursue a relationship with a woman. You may very well be bisexual, but that just caught my attention. In fact, the whole idea of pursuing a relationship struck me. I think back to my days not so long ago when I thought I needed someone in my life because....well, because of expectations, quite honestly. Yes, I was lonely too...horrendously lonely. Anyway, I tried going out with men from work, and I even dabbled in the internet dating pool without much luck. I remember going out with men and thinking "something could grow from this; I could be in a relationship with him." Then when I wasn't even paying attention and totally wasn't expecting it, this girl just completely floored me. I was head over heels and now I think back and am sooo glad that I didn't pursue what I thought I wanted. What I thought I wanted and actually wanted were two completely different things. Now, maybe you're more in tune with yourself than I was and maybe you do actually know what you want. I'm just sharing my experience. Also, I've hated the term bisexual forever, because I don't think it conjures up a lot of positivity, and you state a few good reasons for that. However, if I have to be honest with myself, that's what I am. Anyway, good luck, you're still young and have lots of opportunities ahead of you, so don't stress so much and things will fall into place. You've done a lot of the hard work already.
Well I don't have time to share my story right now, but at some point I'll have to post that I started coming out 25 years ago, and never looked back. And there have of course been bumps, as well as times of great joy! The journey to truth can be tough for those that follow that path, but it can also be really rewarding I think in the coming process it's easy to get stuck in "all or nothing" thinking. I have to have ALL the answers. I have to be TOTALLY SURE of my orientation. I have to tell EVERYONE or NO ONE. It becomes much more workable when we can find the gray areas.
Oh yeah. I can totally relate about the gray areas. I tend to be black or white and it makes things soooo difficult.
That's really true. I think it's one thing that might keep a lot of people closeted, actually. People don't like grey areas - it's gotta be either black or white, girl or boy, straight or gay. Dichotomies don't benefit anyone. I'm actually working on a paper on the subject - exploring sexual identity in postcolonial African literature. It's fun to study, but it also raises so many questions for me. Thanks for helping me out. What were some things that made the whole thing easier for you? I apologize for asking so many questions, but I think it's awesome to have somebody to talk to who knows what the journey holds.
