Time to Rip The Band-Aid Off

I am in exactly the same place you are mate I think. Have had epiphanies over the last couple of days. It's a horrible place to be.

 

I would suggest not doing what my ex did and blurting it out over our ritual breakfast at the McDonalds across the street from work (yeah, we work together, fun). Of course, that wasn't his intention, but he hadn't figured out the where or when and was so distressed it just kind of came tumbling out.

If the weather's nice, maybe go to a private place in a park? Or take a walk? Somewhere she can have some space to process? If possible, take separate vehicles or arrange to let her have the vehicle and arrange a ride for yourself.

I'd also suggest a weekend or whenever you both have some time to be away from work and responsibilities for a day or so, assuming you'll each have people you can turn to for support.

And instead of thinking of it as - I'm destroying our lives, maybe reframe it to - I'm giving myself the space to be honest which will give us the space to be truly happy in the future. Imagine your future trapped in the closet, just because you don't know what you want and you feel selfish or whatever. My ex seriously contemplated suicide and I have no doubt he would have at least attempted if he had stayed closeted and hurting.

My heart goes out to you, and to Justasking100 - as well as to your partners. You all deserve the best life has to offer and staying in the closet because it will hurt someone else less is not the best, I promise. It hurts in the end, but less than it hurts in the middle, and so much less than it hurts in the beginning.

Also - straightspouse.org - resources including hopefully someone local your partners can talk to. And if you want, you can let them know some random crazy woman on an internet forum is thinking and caring about them. Best wishes.

 

I could have written your post ML. I don't have any advice since I'm not there yet but when I think of a future where I can finally be me I can't imagine anything else that would make me happy. In the end I think my wife we'll be happier too; she's really not right now anyway. Something to think about. Love what driedroses said above about being honest.

 

MLA

I see you write a lot of "want" rather than "need" in your post. From what you have posted now, and earlier, you "need" to be gay. This is not a choice or an option. You must remember that you are not "doing" anything to your wife.

You have some very extenuating circumstances with the child that requires so much care and the financial difficulties (how difficult) of separating from your wife. You may have no real option but to come to some sort of an open arrangement that allows you to explore your sexuality. You also mentioned lack of intimacy with your wife and I am unsure what your needs are with this. That will affect the details of how you proceed...obviously. You may need to be sure you understand how you feel about this before talking to your wife...it will come up pretty quickly.

You also mentioned doubts, earlier, about your attractiveness to men. I am going to go out on a limb here and buck conventional wisdom maybe...I think you should go out and flirt with some men. You don't have to go home with them (probably shouldn't yet) But, it could help you gain some confidence and assurance. As a bisexual, I have continued to do this flirting for decades. For whatever reason, for me, it feels good to keep that part of my sexuality alive.

Best of luck.

 

What is your plan if she asks you to leave? She can't kick you out (at least in the US) but things sure can get complicated and she may ask you to give her space. It is advised here to have a plan....

For her, this is likely to be "one more thing" in what is a very difficult time for you all, financial issues, special needs child.

 

Trying to tie up all the loose ends and have answers to every question is what kept me on the verge of coming out, but never quite achieving it, for almost a year. In the end, the pressure to come out and damn the consequences simply became overwhelming, and though I did not blurt it out spontaneously, I did set myself a deadline and stuck by it.

 

Hey MLArmageddon,

You are not a coward (*hug*) You found the courage to initiate this difficult conversation with your wife, and it didn't go as you expected. No worries, you can regroup and bring it up again in a day or two.

Before you do, let's take a step back. The problem isn't that you are a coward, but rather that you don't seem to have clarity on what you want. Based on this dialog I very much get the sense that you don't want to dissolve the marriage.

Yet later in your post you berated yourself for not saying 'I'm gay, I want out.' Can you help me understand your thought process here? Which version of the truth is your North Star and why? Once you have clarity on that, the rest will take care of itself.

(&&&)

 

i can see my conversation about being bisexual going the same way. Unless we have a clear idea of what we want (or need) and are willing to demand it (or ask in my case), we really cannot expect our wives to fill in the blanks the way we would like them to.

 

ML, I'm in no position to offer advice. Told my wife I was gay yesterday. It was hard, and today has been blah. But like I said in my thread, this is the first day in weeks I woke up not feeling like a liar. I know things are going to be difficult, and it's hard to see how this can work out, however I'm being honest and I know I'm doing the best thing I can in a bad situation. That's all we can do. My thoughts are with you.

 

Dude, I totally feel you on the caving thing. This has been going on for a month for me. I say I'm gay, she says how can you be certain, I say "maybe you're right" (even though I know I'M the one who's right). She gets a boost of confidence, we both live in some sort of denial and move on with our day.

Try not to beat yourself up about it. She is definitely in a state of denial right and and you don't want to hurt her. It may take awhile for the facts to sink in... At least I hope. You took a big step and you're a little closer to openly being who you are. Good luck.

 

Let's try to get you more certain about what you want before you try again. Let's get you to a place where you are confident enough about what you want to drive the conversation, and we can help you think this through on EC.

I have some questions on your certainties.

1. I am gay not bi
If you are gay, how do you feel about your wife sexually and romantically? Try to be super honest.

2. I cannot see a open/ mixed-orientation marriage working for us if I pursue my desire for a relationship with a man.
Is this how you feel, or how you think your wife feels? Let's keep this option open as a possibility.

3. I don't want to cheat - my wife & children (& I) deserve better than that.
OK, this option is off the table.

4. I need to remain involved with & be a good dad to my kids (especially the special needs child).
I agree. It's important for gay dads to stay in their kids' lives. I'm not sure how divorce works in England. Do you have the option for co-parenting if you were to separate? How do you envision this working if you were to separate?

5. I don't want to hurt my wife any more than is necessary and I want her to be happy and be fulfilled in the future, which I guess I cannot give her.
Unless you stay in the closet, you will need to hurt your wife somewhat. Your stated goal of minimizing that is correct. The answer to question #1 comes into play here.

Try to be honest because you need to get clarity on what you want.

 

MLA This is so very tough. What a burden you have. I can see why your wife just doesn't want to hear what you have been trying to tell her. It seems like there is no simple solution for you. How old are the other children? Is there some chance that you and your wife could share the apartment on alternating days/nights? Maybe this would give her an opportunity to have some of her own time also?

I hope I don't appear to be over-simplifying the situation.

 

MLArmageddon,

I agree with Nickw that you are in a tough situation (*hug*) You are gay and want to end the marriage so you can be in a gay relationship; however, creating a plan for the care of your daughter is the biggest stumbling block and source of conflict for you. You feel additional conflict because you don't want to hurt your wife and you feel guilty that you cannot be the man who your wife thought she married.

I agree with Nickw in that you need to get creative and look for win-win solutions that are outside the box. Maybe you need to legally separate (or you could stay married and open the marriage) but still live together with separate bedrooms so that you can share responsibility for the care of your daughter. Having an apartment would be a nice to have if you can swing it financially. This arrangement would allow both of you to date other people while continuing to provide the support your daughter needs without your having to live inauthentically. You'll probably want to vet the idea with an attorney. There may be other approaches as well but this should give you the gist of how to think outside the box.

Equally important is that you'll have to give yourself permission to go after and fight for what you want, namely a gay relationship. Transform the consuming energy of your need to be with a man into action. Based on your previous conversations with your wife, she'll try to disarm you with guilt-laden questions. You'll need to be firm and say that you are gay and want a gay relationship, even if this causes pain in your wife. You'll need to tell her that you are no longer attracted to her sexually. You'll need to tell her of your burning desire to be with a man. You'll need to challenge and push her to consider novel care arrangements for your daughter, even if that means opening the marriage. You'll need to fight for your right to find a man you can love more completely than you can love your wife.

It won't be easy, but you can do it!

 

Gently, given your daughter's disabilities, it is unlikely your wife will have much time for dating, etc, unless you equally share the burden (at least in the evening) and then if you do that, it will be difficult for you. I have a friend whose Daughter is a bit more functional than yours and she is finding dating nearly impossible. And finding a real relationship, forget about it. I am not trying to paint a grim picture, but rather a realistic one. And if your other children are younger than your D, I would be worried about creating a bigger burden on them by leaving.

I like the idea of sharing an apartment perhaps, but wonder if the evenings can really be managed by 1 parent (again not knowing the ages of your other kids). You are in a very difficult position and I can totally understand your wife's perspective.

Is the current long term plan (if you have gotten this far) for your daughter to remain in home until her parent(s) are too old to care for her? When you and/or your wife die, is the expectation that her siblings will care for her or is there another plan? (In the US, many families start planning when their disabled kids are teens because of some planning required by the schools. Not sure what is the case in England.)

With all due respect, I imagine that the family has tried and tried to have outside caregivers. Children with profound disabilities can't just be cared for by anybody and unilke an unhappy toddler, when parents leave, older disabled children can be extremely difficult to handle when they become agitated.

That said, are there respite services that your family might qualify for?