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A long list

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Justasking100, Mar 16, 2016.

  1. Justasking100

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    I have spent the last wee while compiling a list of things that I have felt and thought over the years and brought them together which make me realise I'm not straight. I've got a lot to tell the therapist tonight. I've been running away from things for so long and hurt women along the way. Namely my ex wife who I ran away from saying I was gay and then ended up in another hetero relationship soon after we finished. That was not cool.

    The way I've had contact with a man touching hands or during a therapeutic treatment and liked it but not liked myself liking it.
    I still find the idea of a relationship or being intimate with a man difficult to imagine.
    The way since being not straigh came into my consciousness how I made an effort to appear more manly, and not the nice sensitive guy I used to be.
    I've also remembers the numerous interactions with females which have left me depressed and wondering why.
    The times when I've been with a women and been unable to orgasm.
    The thought that the only way I would ever have my heart truly broken is through a gay relationship.
    The wanting a man to rub my shoulders.
    The way when I've fantisised about men and thereafter felt like a cloud has lifted from me and that I would sleep better and dream better after.
    The way that after sex with a woman I would often have bad dreams.

    I think it's been staring me in the face, and I've not joined the dots properly.
    Am still scared but I've been suppressing all this for a long time and not bringing it all together.
    Sigh.
     
  2. Justasking100

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    Weirdly. Went to therapist tonight unloaded a whole heap of stuff, basically coming out to him. Went to a gay bar for a pint after, the to a bisexual meet up and then on the way home thinking my life that I have is great what am I doing wanting come out and be gay? Therapist says whether or not it's obsessional or I am gay he can't tell as only I can make that decision. Enough for one day.
     
  3. SiennaFire

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    I'm not an expert in denial, so everything I'm saying is based on my own experience. If you are in deep denial (which is possible given your family's double standard of it's OK to be gay as long as you're not a member of this family), then your attraction to guys leaks out in ways that are easy to spot in hindsight once you accept you are gay. It's harder when you're in the intermediate stage. I remember thinking guys were cute as early as sixth grade and felt a deep longing when I saw a good looking guy at midlife. Nothing in your list is that obvious.
    Why would you divorce because you are gay and then not act on it? This is a serious question that might help you understand what's going on.

    Here are the things from your list that stand out for me.
    Can you say more about this and why you want a man to touch you?
    Can you be more specific about the interactions and how they made you feel?
    While this resonated the most with me, when you consider that these are < 1% of your fantasies, I'm not sure how significant these are.
    This could be explained if alcohol was involved :slight_smile:
     
  4. Justasking100

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    Siena, you are very good.

    Not sure how to do quotes!
    1. After divorce - didn't act cos I was told I was obsessive compulsive and it was anxiety related.
    2. Re man touching me - I can't really say. It's difficult to say why, just a feeling that it might be nice - though potentially awkward.
    3. Re fantasies - I don't know what to say but I'm letting myself go a little. But to be fair they are not detailed long fantasies about men more a bit about s generic man.
    4. Interaction with females and them leaving me feeling down. So I had been saying I liked a girl, possibly kidding myself, and then I got together with her. Equally though I've had intersection and one night stands whereby I've been chipper after.
    5. Not being able to orgasm - not alcohol but certainly low mood and anxiety involved.
     
  5. brainwashed

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    My take. Sounds like a lot of "shame based" emotions. Heres my take based on limited info you provided and my own experiences.

    a) Don't know your age but somewhere/sometime in the past "shame" for who you are got switched on - maybe. Shame was switched on in me, cant recall exactly when, which leads me to believe it happened in "micro mode" over time - decades.

    b) Picture a bowl of spaghetti noodles. Its a tangled mess. No sense of order. Thats your brain on shame.

    c) Sex is a huge distraction and re director. Read this here. Sex is not LOVE. Sex and love are two different entities. They can merge, which when they do, I imagine it's wonderful. So when you are with a female you are engaged in sex but there is no affection. I have/have had the same exact situation. I've had sex with a girls but I've never loved them so there was never an elevated level of intimacy. I think in you this is a huge indicator.

    d) I'll go out on a limb and say I bet you do not even know what love is. (I don't but I'm learning) Find something you love and ask why you love that and not females/males? For me it was dogs. I love dogs and actually go crazy over them. I turn to butter when I'm near dogs. I asked why can I love dogs and not girls? Slowly I reasoned (untangled the spaghetti noodles) I do not love girls because 1. I'm not into them and 2. they've really hurt me in the past. Very slowly I imagine being loved by a guy. Boy does that feel good.

    e) I suggest journaling you past to identify shame based trauma. Maybe is just society as a whole. Once identified, you can work through them, say it's ok, it's their problem not yours. And then cast them away, literally turn around and start walking forward.

    Later
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    See my responses inline

    1. After divorce - didn't act cos I was told I was obsessive compulsive and it was anxiety related.
    OK, makes sense.

    2. Re man touching me - I can't really say. It's difficult to say why, just a feeling that it might be nice - though potentially awkward.
    This doesn't suggest gay in denial based on my experience..

    3. Re fantasies - I don't know what to say but I'm letting myself go a little. But to be fair they are not detailed long fantasies about men more a bit about s generic man.
    Given that >99% of your fantasies are about women, it's difficult for me to conclude that you are gay.

    4. Interaction with females and them leaving me feeling down. So I had been saying I liked a girl, possibly kidding myself, and then I got together with her. Equally though I've had intersection and one night stands whereby I've been chipper after.
    This sounds like the normal ebb and flow of straight relationships.

    5. Not being able to orgasm - not alcohol but certainly low mood and anxiety involved.
    This doesn't seem to be sexually related then.

    I still don't get a sense that you are gay in denial. If you had a larger percentage of fantasies about guys, early childhood memories of attraction to other boys, a secret toy stash, or even homophobic tendencies there might be something there. Please continue to work with your therapist because I'd hate to see you call off your wedding. Please try greatwhale's challenge and see what you learn.
     
    #6 SiennaFire, Mar 18, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2016
  7. Justasking100

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    Siena,
    I don't know what but i could hug you. You seem like an awesome person who does nothing but want to help others through.
    There is definitely shame involved - shame about my thoughts and fantasies as if I'm not allowed to think same sex thoughts or even consider it in fantasy. Why is that? I think because I grew up in an environment, not just at home but in life whereby being gay was something to be joked and laughed about, my head teacher at primary school was gay and he was mocked by everybody. There was no one saying being gay is totally ok and nothing's be ashamed of. Men having sex with men was sow things be laughed about and every boys joke. That has held me back from even allowing myself to contemplate being gay as a possibility.