Something I work through about each day is feeling cheated by myself, by society, by religion for not being able to be me for the last thirty years and live freely as a gay man... On the other hand I am so blessed with wonderful children and the good times I've had with them and my wife. If I wasn't cheated I wouldn't be so blessed. Life's tradeoffs It so easy to slip into resentment for my stuck circumstances and not appreciate and be here for them when I want so desperately a changed life. I should try to be grateful I suppose and appreciate all that I do have. I need to watch the present, not regret the past, and not fear the future... patience Just rambling.....
I battle with EXACTLY these same things every minute of every day. Struggling to be present. Struggling to not be resentful. Struggling to be thankful for this beautiful family and privileged life that many people on this planet would envy. Thank you for this reminder that other men like me are living in the same conflicted place.
You're are so correct with your point! And it is one that I think a lot of us here struggle with. I know a few younger guys who are openly gay and it is hard not to look at them and wish I had been open when I was in high school. I was open in college, particularly my senior year, and it was one of the best years of my life. I made friends, I was fearless, I met guys. I wish I could have applied that year of my life to the 3 before that and even in high school. But in the end, there's no changing where you've been. Just where you're going.
It makes sense to blame society, religion, etc, for it being *so challenging* to be yourself over the past 30 years. But it was you living your life. That said, I think what we all lose sight of at times is that every one of us does *exactly* what we're capable of doing in life. If you *could* have lived your life freely as a gay man earlier, you would have done so. But you were not yet ready to do that, so you could not and did not. And as you point out, look at the benefits and blessings that arose from being the imperfect being that you are! Suppose you're 32. The goal of *now* is to make sure that 10 years from now, you aren't looking back saying that it feels like you-at-32 cheated you out of 10 more years. If you can't do that, you have no business blaming you-at-22 for not taking better care of you. And if you *can* do that...then there's no reason not to forgive you-at-22...'cause you solved the problem as soon as you could, and reaped the benefits along the way. Best of luck to you on your Path!
Such truth in what you said. I'm in my mid 40s and thought OK, if I open up now, I'm not an old fart yet. Granted, I'll be the creepy dude if I go to a West Hollywood club filled with a bunch of ripped shirtless 22 year olds, but there are still some good looking guys in there 40s I think. I remember being in Central Park at midnight for New Years and I told myself "do not let another year slip away." Time is fleeting and it slips by quickly when you're not looking. But going back to the OP, don't think of making one choice over another. Instead of feeling cheated, think of it as double prizes. You got your kids, now explore this other hidden side of you and have the best of both worlds.
biAnnika: Yes! formulating that plan now. Everyday gets in the way but working on that focus so I don't look back and say "What happened?" HereWeGo: Awesome thoughts. We could be double blessed. Had a great adventure with my wife kids and now what greater things does the future hold? Most men in the world would cross oceans and risk life and limb to have the trouble many of us are facing. Maybe the cheated feelings are more about the present anxiousness and the difficulty that lies ahead before I reach that new me. I see the light at the end of the tunnel but there's a lot of tunnel to climb through.
Travelerme, I feel so much of what you are saying, cheated out of being me, for so long, yet blessed to have my daughter as a result, and my generally good life. I'm trying to get my head and actions in the right place to live up to what BiAnnika says, living for the present, and living fully given my sense of self now. I guess we are always learning, you are always evolving to more fully become you. I fint have any real insight, I just wanted to say I can relate.
Yeah, of course we need to focus on the present and look forward. Feeling initially cheated doesn't mean I regret the last 30 years. They've been wonderful in many ways especially my children. Life could be way worse. Blessed. At the same time I've been living as a heterosexual imposter; tormenting my self inside. So if someone is about to marry and is not totally at ease with their sexuality I would never advise them to trip through that part of life as I did. Rather discover who you are so you can make the choice that is totally yours.
