So having resolved some attraction to men and divulged everything to my therapist. Told him more than I have ever told anyone before. Had a pint in a gay bar and then going to a meet up at lgbt centre for bisexuals I am left still lost. I thought my feelings would be so strong that I would have to do something about these feelings that the impulse would be so strong to act physically. But alas it's a bit disappointing and I feel like a coward. Maybe my feelings for men are just not that strong?? Or I still have prejudice? Many years of living a straight life, including fantasies, is difficult to overcome esp when someone has give you an obsessive thinking diagnosis, which is basically saying that this can never be resolved. What a mindfuck. I feel like I'm unable to let go in real life and live a gay life with a boyfriend/partner. Maybe this is inner prejudice within me thinking it's somehow wrong. I certainly have this to a degree but struggle with the idea of losing what I have for feelings that simply aren't that strong. When I explained to my friend how I was feeling he said it would have been a biological miracle to have not acted on this if I was gay by my late 30's. Maybe I'm wrong all along. I was 100% sure I was gay yesterday but having unloaded and been to a gay bar I'm not as sure as I was.
I haven't gotten up the courage to go to anything pointed specifically at the LGBTQ community, but you could just be nervous. I would take what your friend said with a grain of sand. Just because you haven't done any and everything to sleep with some guy "by your late 30s" does not make you any less interested in men. Then a lot of men here on this very forum, who are in fact gay and in relationships with men long after the age of 30, are extremely confused (which, of course, they're not). Since I don't know you and haven't looked at previous posts of yours, I'm going to assume you recently came out. And recent doesn't have to mean a week, it could mean a year. For some, it takes a really long time to fully accept being attracted to the same gender. I started liking someone of the same sex at 25. Never ever liked women in a romantic way before. Now it's two years later, and though I've accepted that I certainly have the ability to be with a woman forever, it's taken a really long time to get there, and I STILL have doubts. Everyone's process is different. I think your friend was trying to quell your fears by making it seem like you couldn't like men if you haven't acted on it. That's almost dehumanizing, though I'm sure his intentions were good and he just wanted to ease your mind, you're not an emotionless animal that just wants to screw what you want to screw. Perhaps you need to feel an emotional connection to someone before you have sex, especially in this context. It's really new. And you're unsure. It makes perfect sense that you'd only feel uncomfortable and not be able to pick someone up or be attracted to just any guy because you've decided to go to the place where guys can like guys. We like people. Not genders. I totally understand your overthinking problems. I'm a destructive over thinker myself. It does make this harder, but you most likely wouldn't be having thoughts that you like men if you didn't. You could, however, spiral into a deep hole of questioning just because you're not 100% sure, and for the many of us, it's something we'd like to be dead set on. For me, wanting to know in the past was about knowing what type Of life I was going to have to lead. Am I really gay? I haven't been with anyone and don't want to say anything incase I'm not because there's no going back - blah, blah, blaaaah. It can go on forever. What I did do for myself, and again, this took some time, was allow myself to just live and stop questioning. To not tell anyone I didn't think needed to know, and just relax and see where the wind blows me. I know I can be with a woman, and the idea makes me happy. I also know I find men attractive and can be with them if the right one popped up. It's a process. What I've found is that you just need to trust in it and keep going. And props to you for going to a gay bar and just chilling out. Maybe try meditation, or work with your therapist on ways to slow your thoughts and questioning. If you think you're gay, keep thinking it. If you end up being with a woman, it doesn't mean you don't like men. Keep writing here and writing your thoughts out. It's really helpful. And let yourself be a little. Keep going to LGBTQ groups. Even if you turn out not to be gay or bi, there is no harm in it. You'll either make friends. Or make friends and possibly lovers. Or none of those. Just know that doubting yourself is completely normal, and I'd even say healthy. There's nothing wrong with questioning both sides of an argument. Just learn which voice is coming from where. Is this doubtful one fear, or logic? Feel better! Questioning sexuality is exhausting. You're not alone.
The thing is. I have a pretty good life and relationship and its needs to be strong feelings for me to give that up. I thought admitting everything in the way I did would bring me clarity. I've heard people say that being with men was just so overwhelming an idea that they could resist and that's not the way I feel today. I guess I do have an issue with the actual physical act of men being with men. So there is certaintly some internal homophobia with me. I don't really have many gay friends to talk to about this so it's very hard. ---------- Post added 17th Mar 2016 at 12:25 AM ---------- Yeahp1dk - can I ask if you are single?
We can tie ourselves up in emotional knots when we ponder too much over our sexuality. In the early stages of the coming out journey, especially the stage of self acceptance, it's common to face crises of confidence and doubts about our sexuality. It's quite normal to ask ourselves questions about the direction we are travelling in and even wonder if we should hit the brakes or go into reverse and when we are stepping out into the LGB community for the first time it can seem daunting, or even frightening. How strongly attracted to the same sex does one have to be to identify as gay? Many people falsely believe it's necessary to feel exclusive attraction to the same sex, to be "on fire" for intimacy with another man/woman (as the case may be), but that's really not true. In actual fact, very few people can claim to be 100% attracted to the same sex (or opposite sex) and that's totally okay. If we are aiming for that, we may be disappointed. Even if you are one of the minority of people who does experience exclusive attraction to the same sex, you may only feel attracted to a certain type and if you struggle to find such a person, you may, again, feel disappointed. Our sexuality, and the way we experience our sexuality is not etched in stone. It's not the same for everyone. In actual fact, it's probably different for every single person who is LGB. We're not all the same. Some days I feel very connected to my sexuality, but on the days when I don't feel that way it doesn't shake the foundations of my world. In every aspect of our lives we have these ups and downs and it's part and parcel of being human. Try to relax if you can and keep your mind in the moment. Talk about how you are feeling, but avoid overthinking and ruminating, because it gets us nowhere and can just deepen the sense of confusion and questioning.
Yup. Single and waiting for Ruby Rose. Are you married? I can see why it would be more complicated if so. If you are in a relationship, I would consider more analysis of your attractions/thoughts and consider some space from it before acting on anything.
I'm in a straight relationship and heading for a wedding. Hence why I am so hurting right now. Struggling a lot with depression.
I've spent so long resisting the idea of being gay and not wanting it to be true if find it really hard to accept and then work towards something that I fundamentally find difficult. That is to say I find it hard to imagine myself being intimate with a man or being in a relationship with one, I'm so used to that with a woman. The little things like the peck on the cheek the holding hands, I can cope with that with a woman but find it difficult to work towards that kind of thing with a man. I guess there is no rule that says I have to be in a relationship with a man and perhaps that is a step too far for me. Maybe it'll take time to process and ultimately have grieve for the person I've been and wanted to be for all these years. It just feels like the hardest thing to work thru. But baby steps I guess. ---------- Post added 17th Mar 2016 at 02:34 AM ---------- My therapist it would be good to work on the fact that being gay wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I know that ultimately I would have support from friends and family and that it doesn't matter but it matters hugely to me.
FWIW. I have only one type of guy I am attracted to. The rest...whatever. Nothing. And, I never think about the "act" of sex with the ones I am attracted to even though they definitely fire me up. I think about being "close" to them for lack of a better term. Everybody is different. I don't think there is a correct way to feel.
I'm sorry you are going through this... Doesn't seem a good idea to rush that wedding under any circumstance, a relationship should be based on trust and honesty. No wonder you are struggling so much right now... I was there at some point of my life, didn't lasted long, but I remember how hard it was, it seems like a lose-lose situation. When you care about someone, you care about her happiness too. Still we are responsible until a certain line : The fine line that divides our well being with her well being. Take this by heart. Out of 20 people that I feel attracted to, 19 are women, but there will be always that single man out there who will confuse the hell out of me, that certain type hardwired on my brain for some reason, and it's the way it is... The dynamic of being with a man or a woman is different, that's true... And as true as it depends on the man or the woman you are with : A woman might want to cuddle and the rest, or might not like such stuff at all, and it's the same about men. However we tend to be more buddy-like, or at least that was my experience. To me it felt strange to have a girl doing all the cuddles and tender stuff, all my LTR relationship were with men because of circumstances, but I can't tell you if I feel more at ease with a man because of my gender, or just because I'm not into the touchy-feely stuff at all, and I prefer the male company anyways. You might only want the sexual part of being gay. That's where the terms homo- and hetero- romantic are for. Yes, to make things more complicated you might want sex with one gender, but a relationship with the other...
Thanks folks. Appreciated. Patrick your point about being exclusively attracted is a big problem. I could leave my good life behind, house, fiancée and baby and be ultimately disappointed and lonely. But live is about living true to yourself? Or is it about sacrificing yourself for the sake of your children, as this issue is not just about me anymore. There's huge fallout from my actions. ---------- Post added 17th Mar 2016 at 07:59 AM ---------- Spoke to my sister. She's pretty black and white about things. She says if you can't imagine yourself being with a guy in a relationship then it's not for you. Interesting idea. She says I've got a pretty big decision to make and loads of responsibilities that I can't just walk away from. Sooooo much on the line in my life, it's painful.
This doesn't prove anything. If you've buried your gay feelings for decades, it's going to take more than a pint to unravel them. Equally inconclusive. There are many counterexamples contained in the stories posted to this forum. This doesn't prove anything either. If you were gay and in the early stages of coming out to yourself, it's quite normal / typical that you may not be ready to see yourself in a gay relationship. As you become comfortable with being a gay man and what that means, you'll begin to get comfortable with the idea of dating a guy.
