Having the talk

Go see a LGBT affirmative therapist. I just started seeing one and not only is it super helpful, but they have seen your situation before and can help you navigate your way through it. I found mine through the website of the big LGBT community center here, it is a pretty well know counseling center that caters to LGBTs.

 

Justasking100,

I started my conversation the same way you're thinking of starting yours. If that's all you really know, that you are attracted to men, but don't know how to identify yourself sexually, then say that, but you may be asked by your fiance "what do you want me to do with that information?"

I've been coming out in stages for the last month (to myself and my wife) and each time I reveal more information about my situation we start over at the beginning of the several stages of grief.

So promise yourself that when you start the talk that you will be an open book and offer as much information as you can. Try not to hold back information. It will be better for both of you.

This is not an easy process, but there is light at the end of the tunnel... At least that's what I'm told. Just keep telling yourself that in a year's time you will thank yourself for going through this process. That's what gets me through the day.

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

If I could go back and give myself advice just before my wedding I would say "Hey, this is an opportunity to get out in front of this; be honest and open with yourself and your fiancée and figure out who is the authentic you."

I've lived in shadows and in someone else's skin since then; I look at your situation with a bit of envy. If I had that chance to figure it out now before marriage I'd jump at it.

And yes that little girl needs you; needs her daddy. I have teenage girls and they need me gay or not.

My advice is to cherish and use the opportunity to find the real you.

 

I agree with this fully. I would have been saying the same to myself. I don't know if I would have listened though . But I think you're in a bit of a tough spot, in that you have a daughter, which I didn't have until after we were married. So I understand your hesitation.

 

This is where my heart shatters into pieces, because if I hadn't gotten married I wouldn't have my beautiful children. I can't let myself imagine my life without them or my wife. I'm the broken one who's made a mess of everything.

 

Mind if I ask how long you've been together?

Even if you're bisexual and not gay, she might not be entirely comfortable with that. My female partner (finally settled on a term! haha) knew I was bisexual from literally after our first date, and she has always been uncomfortable with it. Our relationship at this point has many other issues, and my questioning for a long time if I were gay or not helped cause a lot of them, but there were already problems caused by her just knowing that I was even bisexual. I think honesty is very important and glad you're going that route with your fiancee. Just know that her reaction may not be as simple as "well as long as you're not gay, we cool." It can still be complicated.

And I was in your shoes last year, with a wedding quickly approaching and a chance to figure things out before the whole big affair. My time here is a fair document of how I probably messed the whole thing up. But life goes on.

 

Are you prepared to make the commitment that is at your doorstep with the questions you're currently grappling with?

Do you want to include your fiancee in your process as you explore your same sex attraction?

Unless you are prepared to call things off with no explanation, then I think you telling her that you have sexual attractions towards men, pretty much in the way you described, makes sense. It may be uncomfortable. It may throw a wrench in the works. But at least you providing her with some pretty important information which allows HER to consider what might be best for her at this point.

 

Justasking100,

I feel that you need to measure twice, cut once here. When you initially joined this site, you presented yourself as someone who was diagnosed as having compulsive thoughts about being gay with > 99% straight fantasies. In previous threads, nothing that I wrote about being a closeted gay man in denial resonated with you. I haven't had a chance to fully review your recent posts and their insights, so I don't have an opinion if these new insights tip the scale in any way. I think it would be helpful for you to gain clarity about your orientation and what you want to do about it before speaking with your fiancée. There's no undo once you start down this path...

 

There's too much homophobia, guilt, and shame in this seemingly innocent remark. Why would coming out as gay crucify your mum? Why can't she love her gay son?

This is a good reason to make sure you are gay before coming out, but a bad reason to stay in the closet.

 

So you grew up in a very homophobic environment where you learned that being gay is bad or wrong from an early age?

 

I can see how this double standard could do a real mind job on you.

I replied to the thread with your list with my thoughts and some questions. Ultimately you need to continue to work with your therapist and may even want to consider trying to find a gay therapist (if your current therapist is not).

If you were to talk with your fiancée, another approach would be to be transparent about your compulsive thoughts about being gay and that you need more time to work through this with your therapist. I haven't fully thought through the implications of this approach, but at first glance this seems less traumatic than coming out as gay. It's unclear how this would impact the wedding plans.