What's everyone's view? How easy is it to be bisexual and in a long term relationship. Is it easy to 'park' your attraction to other sex than that you are with?
I think it depends on where you fall on the Kinsey scale. I'm a Kinsey 5 (90% gay), and I found it difficult to stay in a mixed-orientation marriage where there were other issues with the marriage besides my sexuality.
Based on the Kinsey scale - 5 is homoflexible, which would be 80-90% gay with some attraction to the opposite sex. I fall dead center on a Kinsey, at 3, and I really feel like I am attracted / interested in men and women in similar proportions. My ex is a 5; he probably would never be involved in another heterosexual relationship. Honestly, for me, it was never a problem to "park" my attraction to women while I was married. My ex was the first person I came out to as bisexual, 15 to 20 years ago, but it was more of a realization that - hey, my attraction to women means something rather than - I feel like I need to be with a woman. I don't know if I would ever have gotten to that point if our marriage had worked out, but we were married for 18 years before he came out and I'm now dating a woman. So there's that. Marriage is hard; I know you know that. Unresolved issues, especially surrounding sexuality and experience can't make it easier. I hate that my ex felt he had to hide and deal with his realizations for the six months that he did (after he "came out" to himself). All this to say - it's a completely subjective issue and unfortunately, you're the only person who can answer that question. Best wishes in figuring it all out.
Interesting to describe it as "parking" your same sex attractions. For me, it is not much different than "parking" my attractions to another woman other than my wife. Or at least it was for 25 of my 30 married years. Recently, I have become more interested in exploring sex with men. In my case because my wife, it is becoming clear to me, really cannot enjoy sex any longer, I am looking for other outlets. Frankly, every other thing about my marriage is great, so an affair with a woman is out...too complicated. To use an analogy. Be careful "parking" anything...the emergency brake may fail for many reasons. Those desires will not go away. In my case, I have never wanted them to go away so I maintained them. If I would have been honest with my wife all along, my current lust for men, and her disinterest in sex, may have allowed a creative solution. Now, I don't know how she will take it when we have the "talk".
I had a very easy time being a functional bisexual in a long term relationship of 7 years...but she knew my sexuality from the start (actually met me when I was identifying as gay in college) and allowed me to continue having sex with men on the side. And that didn't last forever, as we've now been broken up for almost 4 years (crazy how time flies). In my current relationship, where monogamy is entirely expected, I find it quite a bit harder. Do I think it's impossible? I admit that I don't know. I did it for 6 months when we first got together, when we were having sex almost daily and not having any other problems. Then we stopped having sex as much, and then other problems started. Seeking release via sex with men became far too easy, and was something I desired anyway so I selfishly went for it. At this point, it would take a lot (starting with a huge turn around in our sex lives) to make me think I can give guys up. But then, I'm also the guy who has always leaned more towards guys sexually and women romantically. I've 100% decided that if this relationship ends, I'm dating men because it just makes more sense at that point. I'm easily a Kinsey 5 and all that. And I can honestly say giving up women will not be a problem. But then I don't identify as bisexual anymore. But on paper, totally bisexual. For what that's worth.
Well...what's reasonable? When I was 19, I met my partner, and we've been together 30 years monogamously, and are still love one another quite a bit. Today, I say I would not enter into another monogamous relationship, because I realize at 49 that "forever" is a lot longer than it seemed at 23, for instance. But if I could go back to 19 and do things differently, would I? Hell no. So...is 30 years of bliss enough? Or do you demand "forever"? (and if so, good luck)
I'm just one person, speaking for myself, but monogamy is actually my preferred status, my "normal." I have been bisexual all my adult life. I think I have a little stronger preference for women, but the Kinsey Tests I've taken grade me out at a 3. I am attracted to some people, of both genders, all the time. Not every person, obviously, but both men and women, and for me it doesn't go back and forth, it's more like both are always "on," if that makes any sense. When it comes to relationships, however, I've always been slow to start dating and uncomfortable with anything other than one-on-one monogamy. It's just the way I am. Attracted to people of both sexes, but only wanting one relationship. So yeah, for me, it's my "normal." The attraction for the gender I'm not with does not stop (I don't "park" it), I'm still attracted - it's just that I just have no more desire to act on the attraction with that gender than I would for a different partner of the same gender that I'm with. (Wow, that was a tangled sentence structure! Sorry! ) I've been married for 15 years now, and my wife is supportive of me being more "out" with my bisexuality. Our marriage isn't perfect of course, but me being bi isn't a problem, and our monogamy is important, for us. Again, that's just me, and I respect that others are different. Hopefully sharing my experience was helpful, tangled sentences notwithstanding. :lol:
