I didn't even want to write this tonight because I'm mentally exhausted, but I got a second wind. So here goes. I have so many problems right now. I am a 27 year old who lives at home, is fully dependent on her parent for health insurance, and have been out of work since September of 2015 when I got laid off. None of this is by choice. In December of 2014, I started to become ill: tired all the time, sneezing and congestion -- told my Trigger crush that I liked her and got rejected. I trucked on, got an internship with a company that I would later be hired by, and was working in a position of my dream career. Then late July, on my way to work (on top of my chronic congestion), I ran down the steps to the subway and was hit with the most incredible head pain I've ever felt. I got disoriented and thought I was having an aneurysm or something. As soon as my heart rate slowed, I was able to continue on my way to work. I figured it was a mixture of it being so hot, my congestion causing oxygen to brain issues, and being out of shape (though I'd ran down the steps many times before with no issue). My headaches never went away. I have them everyday with certain movements, and have been going for a myriad of tests and doctors to figure out what's going on with me. This is now my full time job. I recently had my chronic congestion almost completely resolved by finally being put on an antibiotic after a million ENTs said that I was having an allergy issue. So, I am thankful for that in ways I can't describe -- but this head pain. It's the cherry on the cake. It holds me back from everything. And when I talk about chronic congestion/inflammation and head pain -- I'm talking on the extremely severe end. I suffered with the nose crap for a year and three months (was going though a box of tissue every 4 days and struggling to breathe). The headaches are going on nine months. They're crippling and happen with movement and any type of exertion. I feel like I can't write well when I'm being this emotional, but all I can say is that I am just sooo angry. To the point of tears, from being frustrated, from chronic pain, from feeling so behind and worthless. I just cannot believe where I am. 27 with no career and in constant pain. I'm jealous of everyone. Looking at people on social media hurts. Knowing that my friends are moved out, in their careers, living life without something as stupid as a mystery headache to hold them back - it's killing me. I don't want anything bad for anyone, I'm so happy for them, but all I can do is sink into the deep depths of "why me?" And why now?? When my career was just getting of the ground, and I was ready to start saving up to move out and live the life I wanted. I'm not religious, but I am spiritual. So all I can do is scream at the universe and search for this existential, spiritual reason that has caused this to happen to me because it's "unfair." I know this is pointless, but what else can I do after doctors are baffled and don't know why something is happening? A phrase I've come to hate in medicine is, "we don't always know why this happens," and I'm just like, how is that f******* acceptable!? I feel stupid, worthless, hopeless, helpless, like I don't exist...and then selfish. Because there are people who live with much worse pain, and cancer, and Parkinson's, and ALS and serious chronic pain that makes them unable to move and be completely dependent on someone else. That's not me and not my case, but these headaches do hold me back from living a normal life. I can't even laugh very hard without feeling like my head will explode. And I love to laugh. Hard. I sit there and say, "so I'm not even allowed to laugh?" I just feel like something is happening to me and I'm drowning in it. I find it so hard to be positive about anything, because this pain doesn't allow me to. I'm having to rethink my career, because my plans for heading into what I was doing before required some manual labor and being able to run around like a crazy person. I can't do that now. I can't travel into the city because walking around, and fast, is hard and makes my head go crazy. It's like I feel trapped. Like I had all these things I wanted to do that require this thing that's been taken away from me and I just don't understand. And that's where I hit a wall, because there is nothing to understand. Something happened to me, it's hard for doctors to figure out, and it's taking over my life and causing me to have to re-access EVERYTHING. I am scheduled to go to a headache clinic at a big name hospital by me, but I am just so down and so hopeless. I'm just tired. And I've lost sight of everything I wanted in life. I wanted to be A, but A is impossible with this, so maybe I have to do K. Having to re-think my career because of this, despite being depressing, has made me lose complete site of what it is I even want from life. And I wonder things like, will I never be able to have the career I wanted? Travel like I wanted? Be loved by anyone. This is so stupid, but EC is where I confess all my sins, so... I've sometimes been having thoughts that I might have to be with a man, because what woman would want to be with me if I'm not some cool, work chick who's a boss? I know that's the absolute dumbest thing to think, because why wouldn't a guy want that, but I feel like I won't be able to be with someone I want to be with -- because I'm this piece of crap shell of the person I was going to be. This is what chronic illness and pain has done to me. On top of that, and I was going to write this alone awhile ago, I cannot stop thinking about my Trigger crush. I know we throw around this term a lot, and I'm not sure what it means for everyone, but I was in love with her. I call her Trigger crush, but she has a name that I both love and despise when hearing, a face, and is a person that I still hold so close to my heart even though I want to hate her. But there's no reason to hate her. She just didn't like me. Liked to pretend she did, but didn't, and that was it. I had a dream about her the other day and woke up instantly thinking, "I f***** up with her." That was my waking thought! I see my other friends still being friends with her, so she is just ever so slightly still in the mix of my life, and I wish I was them. Wish I was more chilled out about what went on. Wish I didn't freak out and hide my feelings and then write some long confession email which probably just freaked her out. I want to know how she is, and if she's happy, or likes someone, or we'll ever meet again someday and things will be different. But it's as pointless as wondering why the stars chose to strike me with an undiagnosed illness and insane headaches. It's like hitting a wall over and over again. I don't even know what I'm asking for. Maybe advice. Maybe just venting. Blah. I'm just so sad. That's all I can say about how I feel. Sad.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You are so young to be having so many health issues and it must be really frustrating. I had some serious health issues a few years ago and had to take a year and a half off of my life. It was very difficult, but going through something like that can teach you a lot about your own tenacity and will to seek out treatment until you have the quality of life you want. The number one thing you must stop doing is comparing yourself to other people. Other people's successes are not your failures. Just because you don't have the same path as your peers does not mean there is anything wrong with you. You need to do some self searching in order to stop comparing yourself to other people, it is super hard, but it can be done. I'm sorry your crush didn't like you. That doesn't mean you have to give up on having a relationship with a woman if that is what you want and your sexual orientation. I am of the philosophy that you should be the kind of person you want to date. For me, that means being in an emotionally healthy headspace, pursuing things that make me happy (this does not have to mean career stuff), and confident in how awesome I am and how much I have to offer. I'm not 100% of these things everyday, but more or less feel like I have all these things. I read something online about how when we think about our fears we picture the west that can happen, but never the best, so we should prActice thinking the best. Maybe that would be a good exercise for you?
Getting well/diagnosed has become a full time job that puts me into debt. It's truly daunting. It's so hard not to compare myself. I thought my life would be so different right now. That I'd be living the ones they are: independently in the city and working hard. I just feel so behind all the time. I graduated college late, and now this. I don't get it, because there's nothing to get, but I keep on wondering - lol. It's a vicious cycle. My thoughts on this. I didn't want the same path as them, I just wanted to be living my life like they are. I'm not. I'm going to try and change that soon though. Yeah. I'm sorry she didn't like me either. She was super hot and sexy. That was just a crazy thought I was having that didn't even make sense. I thought, "what if she had this issue and things were like this, would you not want to be with her?" Of course the answer was no. I'd be with her even if she had a problem. So hopefully someday I'll meet someone who loves me for me, and I love them back. Thank you for your response And I'm sorry you had to go through a health problem as well. I hope you're doing better.
I hope you get a more conclusive diagnosis and some real relief soon. Until then, do you have an artistic or writing project you could try? Just a thought. I have tried painting (acrylics) and digital art in the past when I was in frustrating situations. It helped me feel like I was still accomplishing something, even if it wasn't maybe my first choice at the time. I could do some when I felt like it, then pick it up again later. Hang in there, I hope your health improves and allows everything else to move forward for you.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about all of this and want to let you know I know exactly what that kind of anger and despair feels like. It really sucks. A thought popped up for me - and I know you might be getting tips from people all the time about things to try, so forgive me - but have you seen a chiropractor? They can sometimes do wonders. Also there are other types of body work. I only mention it because I am in that field of work myself and have experienced how the body can go into a sort of "locked" mode, causing problems. Experimenting with relaxation techniques on my own has helped me, personally. But this is only a suggestion of course. But first and foremost: (*hug*)(*hug*) Please do vent whenever you need to! This is such a great place to do that. You have a lot of life and willpower in you. Don't give up! Actually, I think we all hit walls, sooner or later - even if we are very successful, able to work hard, or whatever - most, if not all people discover that life takes a different turn than they had expected. I hope you find more relief soon! And keep laughing, even if only quietly sometimes ☺
:bang::tears::bang:I do have writing projects and "artistic" things I should/want to be doing. I'm going to make a post somewhere else about that sometime soon. I'm supposed to be writing, but I'm so insecure about it, and so down lately, that I just let it fall to the wayside. I had an article published online a few short months ago, but they didn't use my finalized draft and it sucks. And now I don't know how to pitch anywhere else, and they didn't want any of my other stories. So that just made me feel real good. I need to get back into it. Thank you for your kind words and well wishes (*hug*) thank you , Sorrel. I'm going to see what this headache clinic says. It would be great if it was just a kink that needed unkinking. I just didn't think I'd be hitting a wall so soon or again. I feel like I'm always hitting walls! And this is one that's not even me being dramatic or doing something I shouldn't -- it's a physical limitation. :bang::bang::bang::bang: (*hug*)(*hug*) thank you, guys.
