Hi, one minute I'm totally convinced I'm gay and then later on I'll be less convinced that all that I wrote on here is true and that's it's what I really want. It's a friggin nightmare. Has anyone else in the coming out stages found themselves going back and forth with the idea?
I am quite possibly the king of this. And sadly I put my female partner through a lot because of that. We almost called our wedding off about 5 times last year, and eventually went through with the ceremony (but didn't legally get married) and still go back and forth. I'm actually at a point where I'm not going back and forth anymore per se, but we are collectively as a couple. It's a vicious cycle and I can't tell you enough how much it sucks.
Try this mental experiment, I have recommended it often and it has helped some: Choose a day, Monday morning is probably best, and wake up gay. Just pretend that you've made up your mind and you are 100% fabulous. Keep that thought for a full week, no wavering. Each and every morning, you will be gay. Go about your daily routines, as a gay person, examine what may have changed as a result of this new identity. You will likely notice that not much has changed externally (unless of course you get your right ear pierced and are suddenly colour-coordinated, not that there's anything wrong with that). But here's the thing, you do need to carefully examine how you feel. Keep a journal if you can for that 7-day thought-experiment. Pay careful attention to who you notice on the street, what you think about any cute guys you may have noticed, and write it down. The following Monday, wake up straight. Put on your straight clothes, look at yourself in the mirror and what you'll see is a straight guy, you are anything but fabulous. Do the same exercise for a full seven days, notice how you feel, especially when you see a beautiful woman, and keep up with the journal entries! Furthermore, in both periods (and this is important) observe your fantasies when you are, erm...playing with yourself. Examine your arousal when thinking of guys and then what happens when thinking of girls (no need to write that down!). We would be interested in seeing the results of your experiment!
Yep, I perpetually asked myself that question from my teens to my mid-fourties. I'm still married, still pretty much closeted, but at this point very convinced that I'm gay & looking to come out. I've only really gotten to this first baby step of being out to myself in the last couple of years, and much more intensely in the last 6 months or so when the belief took hold. I think it could have happened much sooner in the right circumstances, but I seemed to have/accept an endless support network for my shame and self-hatred. Being gay seemed so dramatically, embarassingly out of place with where I was at any given moment or how I was living that I never felt like I could say anything. So I just went in circles. Earlier this year, I kind of did a bit of what greatwhale said, and tried to give myself room and time to mentally roleplay as an out gay man who just doesn't happen to be talking about being gay at that moment (which I'm assuming is what it's like for the most part). Just to get a small feel for being gay in the world, instead of just in front of my computer. I'd be gay in the car, when I was out to lunch at work, when I'd talk to friends, get a beer, whatever. I'd think things like, if I was gay & you knew that, would ordering coffee from you be any different? Or think, I'm gay, let's talk about my terrible porch, our sons' soccer games, etc. I found it helpful.
:roflmao::roflmao: I really like Greatwhale's thought experiment. And I'm sort of trying to do that here and there. Not for the same reasons, more for self-confidence in expressing myself. But I think it can be an eye-opener. Also, justasking, I feel like a lot of your posts show that your mind is going a million miles a minute. I wonder if you could try things like meditation to still your mind. I find that listening to music often stills my mind, and then it seems to be followed by lots of inspired thought. Maybe by doing this, you can start to isolate some questions, and find some that may not need to be answered just yet, and you can put them aside, and others that might serve as stepping stones to answering bigger questions. I tend to let my thoughts overtake me sometimes, so I'm saying this with a lot of understanding about how hard it is to get off of the hamster wheel.
Yes things are moving a million miles an hour. Changing on a hourly basis. I do have mindfulness to fall back on so I shall body scan this evening.
Yeah, I opened up to her. To be honest, I'm pretty good proof of why SiennaFire is right when he says to be sure before you go down this road with your fiancee. Once you say it, it can't be unsaid. Now, you and I are different in a lot of ways, so I won't compare our situations. I'll just say be sure before you head down that road.
Yeh that's true it can't be unsaid. Has a quiet evening trying last night trying to be away from my worries. Managed a little but it's difficult when you are watching a movie and trying not to start thinking about which gender are more attractive. Was 100% convinced I was gay the other day. Then this morning try watching a bit of gay porn, did nothing for me so I switch to straight porn and get aroused. Go figure.
Wow! Fantastic idea! This is what I did. I decided to be lesbian until further notice. I haven't gotten to the straight part of the experiment yet. Inspiration hasn't struck. So I just walk around with the word "lesbian" as my little friend. I don't give it much thought. I've been going back and forth endlessly as well. It's very tiring, takes a lot of energy. Hmm, it reminds me of something I read: "Tension is who you are trying to be. Relaxation is who you are." I believe in that which is easy. That which comes to us when we are not trying to find anything...
I definitely go back and forth... I think a good indicator of how I'm really feeling is that when I'm in my best moods, I'm feeling very gay and when I'm in my worst moods, I feel like I'm actually straight and I beat myself up about this whole gay thing. I think its probably wise to go with what seems to make me most happy. I like this experiment a lot and I'm tempted to do it... but the idea of being straight for a week... I'm not sure I could do it if I tried. And this is probably another indicator in itself.
I have also jumped one way to the other, feeling gay when single, then getting in straight relationship with a woman I like, loving her and having great sex to begin with, then, further down the road thinking about having sex with men when I am with my girlfriend or wife, Eventually I have found myself expreesing these thoughts with them as a fantasy , but usually to mixed or negative reactions and kept them to myself then. I always masturbate thinking of being with guys and always had an major interest in anal sex with girls rather than vaginal. Lately I find myself single again after a twelve year relationship with a woman and have decided I I can't get on the same cycle again. I want to try and be with men and see for once and all as it is driving me crazy.
