It's safe to say I had a mixed weekend. Fiancée who knows the issues as it turns out had a real vent on Saturday. We also had a nice tender day together yesterday and it gave a me a glimpse of what I could be missing by breaking things off. I've always found it difficult to 'step over that line' and live a gay life. Which on one hand makes me feel like a coward on the other hand having a boyfriend is also very alien to me particularly the physical side of things that comes with a relationship. I just don't ever think I could cross that line in reality. I enjoy the tenderness of my current relationship and of course we have about daughter to think about. I could understand it if I was driven on the down low to go behind her back but I'm not. It's bad enough writIng on here let alone cheating on her. It's such a risk to say I'm gay and I need to be off doing whatever.... I guess I'm just venting. I thought by accepting myself and coming out to me it would all make sense. I don't understand how having come to the conclusion yes I'm gay that I would find It difficult to be intimate with my fiancée. It wasn't and it felt good. On another note I've not been performing at work very well. Any tips on how to work while you are going through such a struggle?? ---------- Post added 21st Mar 2016 at 12:42 AM ---------- I guess there are no absolute rules at all in this. We are all just trying to muddle by in life. If I'm not so drawn and driven to lead a gay life I don't have to. Then again i could be bisexual. Even then I would have thought that down gay porn would be arousing for me but at the weekend I just wasn't. ---------- Post added 21st Mar 2016 at 01:02 AM ---------- I say to myself am I just being really selfish? It feels helkish to be me at the moment and I didn't ask for any of this. Why is it so fucking hard? Particularly if you are like me and have never sought to hurt a fly in life. Tried be as nice as possible to anyone and to out their needs before mine.
This is common in guys who are questioning. If you were gay, you would become more open to having a BF once you became more comfortable with your sexuality. This suggests that you may not be gay. While it's possible that you are in deep denial because of the homophobia that surrounded you growing up, my working assumption is that your compulsive thoughts are driving this based on your therapist's diagnosis and discussion in previous threads. While I'm somewhat reticent to suggest this, if you continue to feel that you are gay, greatwhale's challenge is inconclusive, and your therapist cannot help you work through this, maybe you need to take a baby step of flirting with guys online to see if you have any genuine attraction to other guys. I would think long and hard before moving beyond flirting though.
