Hello fellow ECer's. I hope that everyone is making it through the day ok. Thought I would check in to get some advice. Long story short, I have separated from my wife and now live alone. I suffer from anxiety and depression. My anxiety started in 2007 after being on small plane that almost crashed on the way to my wedding in the Bahamas, then had a panic attack in Feb. of 2012, then found my Mom dead in Aug. of 2012, then had another panic attack and discovered I had been hiding from my sexuality in Sept. of 2012. After that I broke down to my wife, but we decided to stay together. Since that time (over 3 years) I have had anxiety and overall worry about losing my family and myself. Last fall the anxiety took a turn and seemed to get even worse after having a fairly peaceful summer. So, my wife and I decided that was enough and that I needed to move out and explore my sexuality. To be real honest, there has been some clarity in that I now realize that even though I am married and love women, that my primary attraction is to men. But, I find myself really feeling low as I come to terms with the fact my marriage is not going to mend itself. There are some days when I can see the forest through the trees, but many others as of late that seem so dark and nasty. I suppose I have a real hard time with these feelings because I have always been a pretty happy person, at least before the panic attack in 2012. I get very down because while in the midst of these emotions it feels as if I have never felt them before and that they will never end. Its terrible, but it seems the only thing that makes me feel better is a beer or two or three, and we all know that is because alcohol numbs the feelings. I guess I figured that out a long time ago. So, I find myself in this very tough situation where I cannot help but admit that I have anxiety, depression, a-bit of an alcohol dependency, and a struggle to find peace with my sexuality and my soul in general. I do hold on to the notion that it will not always be like this and that more peaceful and stable times are ahead of me, but it is so damn hard to find the patience. There have been many other ECer's who have explained that they feel downright terrible at times too, but man this is hard. I absolutely love those calm times when things feel more grounded, but it seems they just don't last. On another note, I am starting to understand I have been through a lot, and that I do try my best to be a good father (2 kids), supportive to my wife, keeping up with my job, and trying to remain positive. However, its so hard to find perseverance some days and I just end up confused. I guess my question would be - has anyone else felt this low, and if so, was the secret to getting through it just being with your feelings until they lift? I also want to know if some have had second thoughts about moving out, which caused even more internal conflict? I so hope that I can become integrated, experience peace when possible, and leave this damn anxiety behind. Thanks for the support and comments!:icon_sad:
Hi ColoradoRyan, Have absolutely been there before. I left my husband in February 2015 after coming out, lost a few family members, including my Mom quite suddenly around Thanksgiving 2015 and developed quite a bit of anxiety and depression. I had busied myself with work and things, which is not recommended. lol. I ended up just getting more anxiety and felt like I was drowning. I'm in therapy now, doing some other things to help myself process the divorce and loss. It's a lot. I will say, if you feel yourself going to alcohol dependency, I highly recommend AA groups. Those rooms have saved many from the downward spiral that alcohol sometimes helps progress. Also they have LGBT AA groups, depending on where you live. It's a really great program that may help you unpack some of your sorrow and lift yourself up.
ColoradoRyan : I am right there, right there, at this very moment. It's dark. I vacillate between simple feelings of "defeatedly resigned" to thought of self destruction. Like you, I just want the pain to end for me. For me. And for my wife. It's all the more worse because I know that *I* did this to her, to us. She says she is working on forgiving me, but I cannot forgive myself. Every day is a struggle to get out of the bed and face the world. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you both for writing back. I truly appreciate your thoughts. My heart goes out to the both of you as you have experienced the loss and feelings that we can all relate to. I think the main struggle we all face is re-integration into life - its almost a feeling of having nothing to hold onto at times, which is a really ungrounded place to live. We should all be proud that we are actually facing these parts of ourselves and brave enough to walk through the dark. Maybe I am a-bit naive or somewhat overly spiritual, but I do believe that we are only given what we can handle and that nothing is too much as long as we are able to reach for that inner strength when needed. To be honest, I am unsure how I am still here some days, and I vow to never give up. Not that the pain does not get the best of my thoughts at times as my mind can go places that are pretty scary, but seemingly out of no where comes this glimmer of hope just when you need it. Too bad it is only a glimmer at times, but hell, I will take it. I know we will all find peace in the days ahead, and I wish you two nothing but the best.
Feeling that way today; pretty low. We always have natural highs and lows. Blue moods eventually lift for me but the ones triggered because of my sexuality and situation are tougher to work through. The highs wouldn't be so good if we didn't have the lows I guess. I usually just wait it out and in when I can try to experience the real me with a friend I'm out to etc.
Me today : i am so fucking angry i just want to scream pull all of my hair out run as far as fast as i can fall on the pavement raw road rash on my soul bleed bleed motherfucker until nothing is left anger pain sadness empty in the ditch but I smile say i'm ok kiss her tell her i love her pretend pretend motherfucker you've spent your whole life lying deceiving you tried you really did but the price is too great you're too good too bad too generous too evil sacrifice selfless she called you selfish because you want to come out you cheated she would never ever do that to you but it's the opposite because selfish would mean running disappearing taking care of you but you don't you have to save her because you you are already lost there's nothing left you are empty a shell your light has gone out so you just breathe say yes ok i love you i'm fine i'm ok i'm fine
