Feeling alone since telling my wife

Hi Pete,

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles (*hug*)

Why not move forward with the divorce? Why do you continue to sacrifice and try to appease her when all you are doing is putting up with her shit with no apparent benefit to yourself?

 

Pete, I'm really curious about your reasoning. And the reason I'm so curious is because I feel like I could very easily fall into your pattern. In some ways, I already have. So why do you stay? Why do you sacrifice your wants and needs for your wife?

 

I too am curious if your wife said "divorce" and you said no, what were your expectations if you stay married?

 

Hi Pete,

It's not your fault. You grew up in a different time and place where being gay was viewed as wrong. You learned this from a very early age, so you hid in the closet, which is a very natural response given the messages you got growing up. Shed the guilt. You found the courage 2 years ago to come out and correct that, so you should feel proud of yourself. In no way are you the problem or root cause, rather, you are the victim of our generation's intolerance towards the LGBT community. Forgive yourself and love yourself as a proud gay man ride:

(&&&)

 

I could see myself falling back and staying when I come out to my wife. That's not the plan but I get that initially. But, if you're in an abusive and unhealthy situation I don't see how that can be good for anyone in the family.

This sucks but it's not our fault. We can't be martyrs forever.

 

My heart goes out to you.
I'm probably in no position to advise you having made a mess of my own coming out to my wife but it sounds to me that this relationship is at best toxic & at worst emotionally abusive to you.
It appears that your wife has not accepted your sexuality/ coming out & is punishing you with her ongoing anger .
I am sure you feel the injustice of her being able to pursue her own life & relationships whilst she holds you in limbo.
Is there any chance that your wife would consider counselling (either on her own or ideally jointly) so that you can express this hurt in a safe space & she may come to understand the pain she is feeling & causing you?
You deserve so much better than this. Try to be strong for yourself because your happiness matters as well. You don't need to sacrifice your life in this way because you feel guilty about being gay. You married a woman you love(d) in good conscience, you did not intend to hurt her & you did not misuse her.
Lots of marriages breakdown but I wonder whether you wouldn't have accepted this sort of controlling behaviour from your wife if you were heterosexual?

 

Pete my friend, this is about so very much more than being gay and coming out. In fact, having come from a situation that was so very similar, I'd venture to say that coming out should be very much secondary to just getting out, not of the closet, but out of a terrible, abusive situation.

My kids, I think, are just a little you her than yours (currently a freshman and a senior in high school). My ex is a hoarder with emotional problems who absolutely refuses to be responsible for anything, and we owe more on the house than it's worth. I wanted to escape the marriage long before I decided to come out, and I couldn't see a way to do it without nuking the family. And to be truthful, I still care about my now ex-wife despite some pretty awful treatment at her hands.

But enough situations converged that I felt I had to escape, and ended up trying to use coming out as my trump card to force her to accept that it was over. It didn't work--she was so entrenched in being under my protection for literally every situation in her life that she could accept a gay husband if the alternative was being responsible for her own life, although she used it as a big stick to beat me up with. Sound familiar? In the end I was lucky enough to meet a great guy, but even at that I filed, I moved out, I made a ridiculous number of concessions, and now I'm watching the house go to hell and wondering whether she is keeping up with the bills.

But....I'm happy. Stressed, worried, absolutely. Broke, for sure. But I'm out of a terrible situation that was killing me as a person and making me miserable and unhealthy. The kids have survived. In fact I'd say we're closer than ever because they knew what I was going through and actually hurt FOR me.

Coming out was really kind of incidental in all this. It worked out well, but I see now that I'm better off out of that pressure cooker, whether I had come out or not. The important thing is self respect and preservation. Things can be better. Different for sure, and it's not without a cost. I have several years of child support, and alimony until she finds some new sucker to marry her and absorb all her misery and issues. But I have control of my life now. The path may not be the one you would have chosen and it's not without challenges, but trust me when I say that it feels wonderful to be out of that environment. Please think about it. You really deserve better.

 

Mine did the same thing and still tries. After 6 months away from that house I am finally realizing how desperately I tried to make everything perfect for her and in our relationship, and how little effort she put into even basic courtesy and respect. I finally reached rhe point where I realized that if I didn't end the relationship, I was basically committing emotional suicide. She will never change, Pete, I can tell you that. People like that just can't grow or care. It still breaks my heart sometimes to think of what my ex is doing to herself, how she is destroying our friendship and her relationship with our kids with her behavior. But I spent 20 years trying to save her from herself to no avail. In rhe end the only one you can save is yourself. And your kids will be happy for you, too, since they have probably watched her mistreatment of you and wondered why you stayed. Mine have made that very clear.

You're a good and caring man, Pete. Extend some care to yourself too. (*hug*)

 

I will echo what Choirboy said and add that the divorce process surfaces and amplifies all the faults of the marriage. Being aware of this is half the battle. You also need to develop emotional armor and be ready for the inevitable hand-to-hand combat. In my case my wife is a blamer, so everything I do is wrong, especially when she's in a bad mood. Needless to say I significantly discount her opinions, which creates its own set of issues because she doesn't feel heard. I'd rather deal with that than taking the hit on my self-esteem through her negativity and attempted put downs. Your situation is different, so you'll need to figure out how to best handle it.