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My truths

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Mar 22, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I tried to share some of my feelings with my husband yesterday. Although he simply listened for the most part, a few of his interjections, even his expression... It all left me feeling invalidated.

    I want to retell my story, to remind myself of my truth. I don't want him to erase or rewrite my truth.

    So, here it is:

    ----
    When I was small, I was simply me. I felt things, noticed people and I simply experienced whatever was real, true.

    After the sexual abuse, everything became muddled. I constructed walls around my sexuality. I didn't live, instead I projected, I guessed and made approximations about what i was expected to feel and do. Feeling was dangerous. Scary. Threatening.

    This pseudo life was constructed in terms of sexuality, interests, many things. But primarily this guesswork life was built up around my sexuality.

    My life was a performance.

    I remember the point at which I started to emerge from the fog. I started to live more as me, I started to feel things, my own true real feelings. I chopped off my hair, I started a new job, made new friends, and flirted with the idea of being queer. But it was just a tiny step, a little dent in my walls.

    When things got a bit scary, when other comforts were removed, I went back into my hiding spot, pulled the covers over my head.

    And I went through the motions of life, guesswork life. Even so, I was now aware, I knew my real feelings. So I lived my real life internally, I dreamed, I imagined living.

    But imagining, longing, dreaming have become unbearable. I want to be alive. I want to live and be the real authentic me.