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Fears about separation

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Mar 22, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    Can you guys help me parse out my fears about separation...maybe even challenge them?

    I am very far from considering this seriously at this point. But there's a seed of this thought in my head right now, and I just want to look at it more closely.


    Probably my biggest fears/concerns are about the impact to my daughter. A large part of these fears are emotional/instinctual, not rationally thought out. It just feels like a huge rupture in her life, overwhelming, frightening. I'm not sure how to articulate it.

    But I can articulate some of the fears for her - I believe she has gone through a lot of change in her life, and I just hate the thought of introducing another huge change, interrupting her stability, etc.

    My heart breaks at the thought of her not having both of her parents in the same place.

    In addition, I worry about how my husband and I will cope with the divorce. Could we make it amicable? Will we handle the stress poorly and let that affect her?


    In addition to my daughter, then there's me. Having a failed marriage. Failing at this big part of my life.

    Having to start over, drift on my own, find a new path.


    I worry about money. My career is not the most lucrative, although I think we'd be ok. And of course my husband would provide for her as well.


    I worry about ending up living far apart from my husband and how that would impact custody.


    I worry about custody in general.


    I imagine myself living in the ideal happy family, and knowing that instead ours is broken.


    There is a part of me that dreamed about having a second kid just about now (when my daughter was a baby).


    I wonder if I'll end up alone.


    I worry that I'll regret giving up on my marriage.

    Something about facing my family, not having my husband's family anymore, or the love and fondness they have for me, makes me really sad.


    I fear the unknown.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Mar 22, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2016
  2. Justasking100

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    How old is your daughter?
     
  3. baristajedi

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    She's 3.
     
    #3 baristajedi, Mar 22, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2016
  4. Justasking100

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    Ok. I guess she's young enough that she will grow up not knowing the difference. Just that mummy and daddy live separately. I guess you should agree that no matter how much you and your husband argue or not, that her needs come first and that she is the priority.
     
  5. Nickw

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    Hi

    I have not been following all of your posts so apologies if I have missed something.

    I am looking at this from my perspective as a husband in a straight marriage. My wife has become less interested in sex through the years and the lower levels of intimacy have taken a much bigger toll on me than I would have thought it could 10 or 15 years ago. Call it male mid-life crisis, a sense of mortality, dirty old man syndrome...whatever. But, I am grieving the loss and blame my wife...not good.

    Honestly, if you cannot provide for his intimacy needs, because of your sexual orientation, you are not doing him any favors keeping this together. He may not even understand because it does creep up on some of us.

    Sorry to lay that on you.
     
  6. angeluscrzy

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    I understand these feelings completely. I know there are ways in which the split between my ex and I has been hard on the girls. However, I also think that in the long run it is/has been the best option possible. Given that kids learn a lot about relationships thru watching their parents, I had to consider what message am I sending. By staying in a relationship that is no longer fulfilling or healthy to me, I suvconcuously teach them that it is ok to subjugate themselves to appease another. That is not a lesson I want to impress upon my girls. A lot of things have been made harder, in regards to my having to work so much more so that I may still pay bills and provide for them. I tell them that they need to get their education, make something of themselves so that they never need to feel dependent on another person for their own financial well-being. Yes, a lot of this is terribly difficult and I wonder some days how I can continue to maintain my sanity, but every day that passes with me wondering that........also comes with the knowledge that no matter how desperately I'm trying to hold on, that is still another day that has passed and I HAVE held on. I'm stronger than I ever have really given myself credit for. I still want to break down and cry sometimes because I'm so physically and emotionally drained, but in the end I know that this is what I must do to be the truly best parent I can be. I need to raise my girls to be independent strong women. And at the end of the day, I think as long as we show our children that our love is unwavering, they will make it thru just fine
     
  7. baristajedi

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    Maybe but...

    She is very much aware of change already. She particularly remembers our last move very clearly. She asks me if we can go back to the house with the steps and the garage "where we cleaned the leaves". And "I'd be near this friend and that friend, etc." I remind her that she has her friends in nursery here, and she loves her blue bed, the playground, the big park, etc.

    But I also feel like she also has a strong desire for both of us to be in the same place, especially in the evenings, settling down in bed, etc.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2016 at 06:54 AM ----------

    Well, I'm definitely not providing for him intimately. And I don't know when I'll feel comfortable doing so at this point...

    Thank you for this perspective. I think it goes beyond intimacy as well, affection, general romance, enjoyment as a couple, etc. Those things are all missing right now.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2016 at 06:59 AM ----------

    This is something that plays on my mind alot. That I want my daughter to learn about love from a relationship that provides a healthy model. We are not providing that at this point.

    Doing this would require me to gather courage and to work my butt off for my daughter. I think I could do so if needed. The emotional stress is daunting though.
     
  8. angeluscrzy

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    Oh, I'd never say anything about it is simple. At the same time tho, I think each person needs to consider "Is this really how I want to spend the rest of my life?"
     
  9. baristajedi

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    Absolutely, this is very true. This is not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

    The thing that still strikes a chord in me at this point is that, I still have yet to determine whether my marriage could prove to be satisfying to me and my husband in some way. Maybe I'll discover after exploring my sexuality that my main need at this stage is to get over my past shame and fear. And then if I'm drawn emotionally to stay with my husband, it could be rewarding. Or perhaps what we need is an open marriage. But that has a lot of its own problems, mostly in terms of my husband not being very open to it.
     
  10. angeluscrzy

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    Well I can't say I'm an advocate for open marriages. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage, and while not wanting to put down others who have such an arrangement, I don't see how you can fully love and appreciate a partner if you're loyalties are divided elsewhere. For those who stand by it, more power to them. For myself, who I am with will be my one and only, and I expect to be theirs as well.
     
    #10 angeluscrzy, Mar 22, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2016
  11. Justasking100

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    Barista I feel your pain and share it I do. I'm struggling to find a way to keep my little family together. I don't want to be the one who causes pain, I'd much rather have my own pain than someone else.
     
  12. OnTheHighway

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    Having been following your threads since you came back from your break, I was really unsettled at how little progress you had made. In back of my mind, I always felt the biggest issue you have yet to solve for is your fear of separating.

    This thread hits the nail on the head and I am glad you are finally looking to address it. I sincerely believe if you are able to find peace with actually separating, you may see a lot of the pieces of your life puzzle fall into place.

    All I can say, is I like others faced similar concerns about leaving. And in reality, those concerns only go away once you actually leave and see how your life unfolds following your departure, if that is the route you take.

    For me, it was like jumping out of an airplane and hoping the parachute would work. I jumped, and the parachute opened. But until I jump, I would have had no idea regardless of everyone telling me "everything will be fine".

    I think you need to decide if your ready to jump out of the plane, and then see where you land with your parachute.
     
  13. Nickw

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    I have been in a monogamous marriage for 30 plus years. But, as a bisexual, I can definitely see a situation where an open marriage can work. Marriage is about partnership and love as much as loyalty and devotion. Sometimes that love could be that we want our partner to live his/her life as fully as possible. I hope my wife will see it that way some day.

    For some of us, there is a clear distinction in what we feel for those of same sex and those of the opposite sex and the overlap can be pretty small. For me, I develop deep bonds with my male friends that is a lot different than the bond with my wife. My straight friends do the same thing. But, in my ideal world, that bond could extend to sexual intimacy with those friends.

    What I am learning on EC is that it can be difficult for those on both ends of the "scale" to understand this. Maybe Baristajedi and her husband can find a way to do this if it fits. But, both partners really need to make it a goal. And, I have no insight into how that is done...sort of why I am here.
     
    #13 Nickw, Mar 22, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2016
  14. baristajedi

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    Like Nick, I see alot of shades of gray in marriage. I personally don't like monogamy, and think that approximate monogamy is more healthy. An understanding that you don't really want to stray for the most part, but that with openness and honesty, there may be times to break that pattern.

    If my husband would agree to this, it still may not be satisfying to me. I honestly don't know at this point how deep my needs are and to what extent I need to build a relationship with a woman. Is it a need to build a life with a woman? Is it simply that my husband could never fulfill me? In that case, an open marriage isn't helpful. But if it's a means of exploring and overcoming my shame and insecurity, an open marriage could work.

    I think that it just depends on what I really need in the end, and what my husband needs.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2016 at 08:30 AM ----------


    (*hug*) I know, this is something I didn't think I would ever need to consider. And it's heartbreaking no matter how you look at it.

    Big hugs to you in this struggle your going through.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2016 at 08:41 AM ----------

    I know, from the outside looking in, it probably seems like I went backwards. But the emotions of coming out were getting too intense and I wasn't able to function anymore as a mom. I needed a departure from that. I'm glad that my husband and I didn't go ahead with the open marriage at that point. It would not have been the right time. I gained a lot of clarity during my little detox period. I regained some focus and was able to come back at things with a healthier clearer head. So now, whatever path we take, I think I'm better equipped to deal.

    I do think this is one of the biggest issues. But I am still uncertain, for reasons other than fear, whether separation is the right choice. I can still see potential for other fulfilling paths.

    But the more I dig into these issues, the deeper I feel my needs are to follow a path that may require separation. I need to explore my feelings with women, I have no uncertainty in that. I guess I have this feeling that I may learn through that that my husband does fulfill my emotional needs. My instincts are telling me though that it's more likely that I'll learn along the way that I identify more closely to lesbian than bi. And I think we know where that leads... An open marriage simply won't be enough.


    Thank you, these are encouraging words. I'm not sure I'm ready to take them in just yet, but I may be reaching that point when I need these words...
     
    #14 baristajedi, Mar 22, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2016