I have a crush. I care more for her than I thought. It's only been 6 months since I realized that I've had a crush on her from the day I first met her, which is oh, what, five years ago? So I allow the realization to float around and take form. She is an example of someone I'd want to be with, possibly even spend my whole life with. She is beautiful, sexy, intelligent. Full of life, vitality, charming. Driven. Also sensitive, but outgoing, and a soul-searcher. And she smells nice, and her hair... and oh, did I forget to say? Straight. She's straight. Let's call her Anna. I'm haunted by fantasies of calling her up to tell her that I'm gay, fantasies of running into her and saying with a coy smile "I can't talk to you", and she'd be all like "Why" and I'd be like, "Look, Anna... it's just that... ...oh nothing, bye, Anna": end of fantasy. Fifteen minutes later, new fantasy: we are spending time together, she asks me how I am and I start to unburden all the conflicting feelings I've had about my sexuality in an attempt to connect deeply with her, in a way that you would with a lover, a partner. In real life I'm never going to do any of this. Anna! I love your stupid name! I love you! I was relaxing the other day, ending up in a deep place in my mind, under the ocean of the mind. Inside there, I saw her, she was beautiful, and immediately in my mind I was kissing her. I realized she is someone I'd like to kiss slowly. I wouldn't want to rush. I realized that I didn't expect imaginary Anna to enjoy my kiss. But what if she did... and suddenly in my mind she did, she did! She kissed me back happily! Very fast I got an insight: if I were with a beautiful woman, showing her I want her, and she would respond by showing me she wanted me too, I'd be so terrified I'd tense up and ruin it. I would spin out of control and start furiously trying to "perform" etc, so much that it would feel wrong and I'd want to stop. Why? Why the fear? I realized that I believe that no woman could love me or want me. If something challenges that belief, my mind becomes terrified. It'll do everything it can to prove that a good thing can't be happening. Sabotaging a heavenly thing is absolutely necessary for the survival of this belief! Without which my whole self-image would be in danger really - my self-image as an unworthy, inferior, defective being. I think this is also a reason for why my mind decided long ago that I can't be gay. I can't believe that a girl could truly love me - I can't be lovely - therefore, I can't be gay. Thanks, mind. Great. Anna! I love your Facebook picture! Stop posting things! I don't want to see your picture... A while ago she uploaded a video of herself. I watched it and began to cry. Argh! So you were looking into my eyes and it meant nothing to you? Dancing and it meant nothing to you? I loved dancing with you! F... you! I want to dance again! Then I was suddenly clawing at my chest. ow! ow! ow! There's pain in there! It hurts! It hurts! But it wasn't angst. It was CLEAN pain. Does that make sense? This must be a heartache. This must be what it feels like, I thought. There's a lot of stuff in my closet. Not just me in there. It's as though so much has been sealed away in a vacuum. When released, the stuff starts to inflate, flap around, breathe, react with oxygen, bloom, burst, grow mold and make noises. So here I am, studying the closet (looks small from the outside but is actually a jungle inside), processing the stuff, it's living it's own life. Goddamnit Anna!
Hi Sorrel, Your writing is so beautiful and vivid. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling about your crush. This is so painful, I just want to give you a big hug.(*hug*) You're sorting out the jungle in the closet, bit by bit. It may not seem like it but you are moving forward. Big big hugs to you.
You are so kind baristajedi! (*hug*) I appreciate it so! (*hug*) There's pain and sometimes tears, but still, it's all good. It feels good to feel all the different things, it feels like releasing a clenched fist.
I know exactly what you mean. Even the pain can be a sweet release. And opening up to the rush of feelings, also means letting in good feelings too .
I can relate to a lot of your post. Its so painful sometimes. But in a way good to feel so much, so many emotions. I understand what you mean by a clean pain...like a true pain...a raw pain. And sometimes tears feel really cleansing. And the closet is like a jungle. Its not a jungle out there, its a jungle stuck in here. Its such a tangled mess of thoughts and emotions, I feel like you have to cut your way through the web one step at a time until you can see the way out. I hope this is true, that it lets good feelings in too...
Yeah! But I wonder, if there is a way out of the jungle. I think my jungle is just going to get more and more familiar, I'm going to get to know it and love it... I just never realized I was in it before. There's a lot of beauty here... Yes certainly! New, good feelings, ones I haven't had before. It's like seeing butteflies for the first time or something. I'm in a place that my body/mind has been shielding me from. All the things I'm feeling now are things that I've been shielded from by my system, if that makes sense. And in many ways it's disorienting, unfamiliar, uncomfortable. I'm realizing stuff that I don't want to know, really. So I understand why my mind has been staying away from it. But at the same time it was always there, under the surface...
Hmmmm.... not sure. I don't really have anywhere to go... right now I don't feel like I fit in with people at all. I'm a bit weird and pretentious. That's the message I get in my head anyways when I stop trying to change myself. Pretty interesting. And it also sucks. Crush-wise, I'm not going to contact her. I'd prefer to land in some other girl's arms and make out so I can discover how gay I am. That would be nice. I'd like to feel at home with the gay thing, and get comfortable with it so I don't have to tense up each time someone I know says the word "gay".
