Katchoo's home thread

Hey, new friends.

I'm trying to figure out what I want my life to look like now. My religion is kind of falling apart, but that kind of feels like the walls keeping me in got demoed, and now I can rebuild my life however I want. Just... not quite sure what that is yet.

I'm 31, living in Georgia. I grew up in a really concervative, religious, insulated community. I've been really religious my whole life, to the point that Ihave to have a religious and a secular version of my resume. This also means that I kept shoving myself back into my personal closet, over and over, from about age 17 to now. Sometimes I wouldl even shove it down to the point of real denial. But, loving the ladies always comes back.

But, yeah. I've come out to several of my coworker friends over the last month or so. Maybe, six people? But, I don't know how out I want to be, how I want to handle my family, how to handle my old church communities, etc.

One of the big things I need to process right now is, for lack of a better phrase, the "ex-gay" experience. I was involved in a couple of different support groups to try to follow the religious rules about my sexuality, even went to a couple of Exodus conferences. My experience of it was different than I really hear anyone talk about. No one was trying to change my sexuality, really. They were just trying to provide support to people who were basically trying to live celebate, and they were really, really kind. But, at the same time, just chronically labeling myself and being labeled "sexually and relationally broken" was damaging. Like, saying I was sick. I'm depressed because I can't figure out how to have congruity in my life right now, but that's very different from being broken because I think ladies are so, so beautiful. And, labeling relationships as "emotionally dependent" rather than saying "I was in love with her" was pathologizing my life, too. Like, just let me say that I loved her, not that it was a symptom of my sickness. I don't know.... Has anyone else had any experience with any corner of the "ex-gay" movement? I feel like processing and reframing my experience (which was totally voluntary, but the phrase "internalized oppression" springs to mind) is going to be a big part of my process moving forward.

Thanks!

Katchoo

 

Thx, WM.

Do I still want to practice my faith.... The faith that I had before, not really. I'm very tempted to chunk all religion and spirituality out the window. But, idk. Maybe there's a baby in that bathwater, and I should at least check first. Seems like that people people consider the spiritual element of a person to be important and a major piece of self care. IDK if I shouldl just explore other religions or what. More liberal Christianity doesn't even feel like Christianity to me, but close enough to be really irritating, at least for now. I feel like if I could do a lot of yoga or learn tai chi, hang out in the woods more, hugging horses and goats and cats, be in a community choir, and sometimes pray to a vague, not sure if it's there higher power, I think that would be hitting most of the marks.

Where did you wind up on the faith specrum, WM? Anyone else?

Yes! I resonate with this so much. I think that a good bit of the capacity for men that I had was squashed by all those True Love Waits speaches. As well meaning as they were, what I got from them was, "Sex, is dirty, sex is bad, sex is evil, save it for your husband. Men are dangerous. They only want one thing. You have to guard yourself while they try to 'take' it from you (Rape????), so set your boundaries, build your walls, build 'em high, build 'em thick, build 'em strong. That way you are really loving this other person. (???) And then on your wedding night those walls will magically fade away, easy and romantic, and that man thhat you have been afraid of for months or years will suddenly be wonderful, and sex will be great. Sex is a beautiful gift inside marriage. Outside of marriage, it will probably kill you." So, anyway, they built in a fear response in me to most dudes. Sometimes I can find a guy attractive but at the same time I cringe and want to hide, or defend myself and make him bleed. This was probably not the intended outcome of the True Love Waits program.

 

On Thursday I had a really good therapy session. I'm so glad I went. Even though my insurance isn't covering it, it's so worth it. I've met with this therapist 3 times She's a therapist for therapists (I work with foster kids and other young kids with trauma histories). She likes clients working through spiritual issues, and she likes clients with LGBT issues. So, great fit. Yay for the semi-retired old german lady.

I felt this big pressure to give her the *right answers to her questions. I had all this pressure building up, and I was getting emotional. She had us just stop, just sat with me, let me cry. Reminded me that we don't have to rush, that I can take my time, that I can go at my own pace. That helped sooooo much.

We talked about how "should" seems to be such a powerful word for me in all this. I've been following all of these church shoulds and feeling hurt by that, and as I come out, I don't want anyone to tell me how I *should* do that, either. I realized that I have even been interpreting people's questions as, "You should know the answer to this," which explains why sometimes I'm irritated and hostile just for them asking me questions.

Also, it occurred to me in session maybe why this is finally the time I'm working on coming out, instead of all the other years of my life. I've spent over two years now doing therapy with kids. It's my job to make a safe space fr them, physically and emotionally, and to accept them no matter what exactly where they are, let them lead, not push them into things before their ready. I've had one client for just shy of 2 years who is a little girl who is gender non conforming and occasionally seems really in love with other little girls. I think all this practice being safe and accepting for the kids is letting me ask, why am I not doing that for myself? Why am I not accepting myself exactly where I am in this moment, and love myself right there? I don't want to keep showing more care for this child than I show myself, and I'm not going to care for her any less. So, I can nurture and accept and give positive feelings to myself. Even if it's hard and confusing.

I am realizing that part of going at my own pace is radically accepting that this is a season (idk how long) where I will be confused a lot, saying I Don't Know a lot, and maybe feeling sad and conflicted a lot. But, the work of trying to integrate my story is hard. And, it's ok to be messy. If I get too upset about the messiness, I can go organize my house some.

Speaking of..... For me, coming out of the closet has also involved a lot of literal closet organization. As I've been sorting through my values and beliefs, deciding which don't fit me any more, what I'm getting rid of, and what I'm keeping, I've been on a three-ish month streak of sorting and purging things from my house. When I had 4 coming out conversations in 5 days, the next day I did a major overhaul on my bedroom closet. I feel like the house clieaning is both symbolic and helpful. Has anyone else done anything like that?

Sorry for such a mega post. I'll catch y'all later.

 

Thanks, Bunny. I really like hearing other people's stories on this stuff. I'm exploring a bit with other religions. My friend took me to the UU church a few weeks ago. I've been googling around about wicca. I'll just keep looking around, I guess. I thought about going to the Episcopal church for Easter today, but I decided I didn't want communion and all that. It was kind of nice to have a secular easter today, except that Target and JoAnns and Michaels were all closed. I planned to watch Alien today, cuz, alien easter egg. But, I've been watching the everyoneisgay.com youtube videos instead. Love them so much.

Tonight I've also been googling around about all the different sexuality and gender words. I currently am resonating with lesibflexible, queer, and bi+.

Stuff I haven't talked to anyone (like, ever?) about... So, be nice, ok? Part of why I'm resonating with queer is that I am also trying to figure out if there's a different gender componant going on or not. I identify as a female/woman, and I've never felt like a man. But, especially when I'm anxious, I have very frequently tried to figure out a way to strap down my boobs (tough to do as a curvy lady) and ever since I was in like middle school I've had some interest in packing, and as I've been coming out about gayness, I've been thinking about that a lot more. I was so excited when as a teen/young adult I learned that strap ons are a thing, because at least a third of the time my fantasies involve some variation on playing the "dude" role. I really think that kind of androgenous girls are super attractive, and though I'm not very androgenous looking, I think maybe it's because I resonate with them. IDK. I'm kind of doubtful that the gender peice and openly identifying as non binary will be a main part of my story and identity. I feel at least 85% like a lady, and if I'm not feeling anxious, I do like the lady parts of my body. Just trying to figure out if the gender peice is a thing. It'll be ok.

 

That makes a lot of sense, Bunny, that it would be about power. I kind of think that my perceptions are the other way, that if I present as too feminine, it's weak and vulnerable, so when I'm anxious I need to present more masculine to tell the world to go f itself.

Yeah, I know how to tie a tie like 4 different ways, haha. I don't wear them out too much, cuz, curvy girl problems. Stuff looks weird, and my shirts don't do like that. But, yesterday at the goodwill I really wanted like Dapper Lady wear. Couldn't manage to get anything to fit or look right. ... Maybe that's a clothing project Ishould work on more intentionally, having a few really sweet Dappy Lady outfits. Feel sexy, professional, and gender queer all at the same time.

 

On the femme/make up topic.... As a kid, I remember watching mom put on make up, and she radiated insecurity. Even the name make up sounds like you're making up for something you lack. So, to me, make up meant kind of the opposite of armor. For a long time, it meant to me that you were not good enough, and putting it on would mean everyone knows you aren't good enough. Since then, I have adopted the phrase, "I'm worth decorating!" for any time that I feel like playing around with make up.

After I posted this morning, I managed to redo my outfit to be kinda dapper (vest, dress pants, vintage design socks, hair doing a thing, etc) and play with some make up. Made me feel awesome all day, to the point that I asked to go with a friend to a swing dance event tonight. And, so many beautiful ladies there! And, there was one gender fluid ish person there, and I just about ran into a wall when I noticed them in their blue haired glory. I'm glad that I dressed in a way that was so comfortable for me today, and I'm glad I went to the swing dance event with my friend..

 

Arg. So not motivated. Don't want to do anything at all. Want perpetual weekend. Is this burnout, depression, laziness, or too much interaction with the internet?

 

I think that in the last week or wek and a half, I have gotten so wrapped up in the sexuality part of my life that i have sent the rest of the self care out the window. Gotta do the paperwork, dish washing, bill paying, exercising, sleeping, seeing clients, and organizing my house, too.

 

I did like the UU service. The friend who invited me said that the different UU groups vary a lot. This one was heavily protestant influenced but was still really open to whatever people want to believe, really process oriented. I don't think I'll go often because it is almost an hour drive from where I live. We'll probably go for special occasions.

I also looked for unprogrammed Quaker meetings, but also nothing very close to me. But, they are also very open and spiritual.

Really, I should probably just go do a lot of yoga, as long as it's yoga where I would have permission to ugly cry in the middle of the class. If there are classes for people who want to do yoga naked, surely there are classes for people who do yoga and have break downs, right?

I really get other people's religion as a barrier t coming out. My dad came to visit for his birthday a couple weeks ago, and we went to a natural history museum. He made a couple comments like, "They just present all this one species turning into another stuff like it's a fact." I didn't know if I needed to come out first as someone who believes in evolution, someone who no longer identifies as Christian, or as not straight. So, I just did none of the above. Womp womp. I guess it would have been rude to come out on his birthday, anyway.

 

I just want to navelgaze on this issue. It's so big in my mind right now. I need to go fill out forms at work and write stuff. Arg. Life ballance is hard.

 

Haha, that would be awesome. Maybe "group outings" could be a thing. Combine them with an activity even.

MS, thanks for linking to that NPR story. I listened to it and really liked it. Kind of interesting to think about how to teach girls better than I was taught.

I'm having a sad night. I really am wishing I could stop the world and just deal with all this stuff. The last time I felt like this was 2009. And the time that I had set aside to have alone, unplugged time and deal with it, I got mugged instead. I'm not feeling afraid, like afraid something bad will happen again. I'm just sad that I feel like I'm going in a circle that took me 6ish years to lap. But... spirals are progress, too. I'm just sad.

Gotta make myself do at least 2 work appointments in the morning before I go to my own therapy. I'm avoiding sleep (and thus appointments slash the world) so hard. .... I can do something easy with the client kids. It will be ok.

So, maybe.... Soft pjs, and ice cream, and a comic book, and music, and bed, and hug a kitty.