Are you still married after coming out?

I'm in the "questioning my marriage" stage right now. I've come out about 6 months ago, and just trying to figure out exactly what I need and what it means for our marriage.

I'll be following your thread to see how others are dealing.

Sorry I don't have any real advice at this point.

 

It's quite a ridiculous question. Do you love your spouse? Is it still there the reason you got married in the first place anymore? Do you have kids that might suffer from your parting? If so, can you sacrifice an amount of years before separating? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

 

Not my story, but this is something that I have been deeply invested in figuring it out. I think its pretty great if done right.

It is possible and many people are able to do it while maintaining a very happy life. Some couples stay together and are okay with not having sex with each other. Some continue to have sex with each other, and some decide to stay together, but they open their relationships.

The cool thing is that you and your partner decide the rules and how the relationship will look like. As long as its honest and intentional, there isn't any limits as to how your relationship and life should look like.

'I'm a gay man but married a woman' - BBC News

 

I don´t have advice on this but I´m thinking the same.

I want to come out to my husband, but I would like if we could stay together (function as a family) for a little while longer. At least until we figure things out and find the best way to handle this, especially regarding the kids.

My worries are that if I come out to him, I can´t tell him to stay with me. I can´t decide that for us. Maybe that is something he is not ready to do.
I would like to open things up. Be honest. Being able to explore my feelings. But again, I wouldn´t blame my husband if he wanted to end it right there.

 

[I know I might get dismissed because we're not legally married, but nevertheless...]

This is where my partner and I are as well. Questioning if we are going to stay together. I've gone back and forth a lot on things, and about a month ago was feeling very much all into the idea of making things work. But then she told me that she's just not sure anymore. So right now, we are really in a wait a see pattern. Her career has also hit possibly its roughest patch (to the point where she's trying to figure out what to do, whether it be jump to another firm, or potentially go down with the ship and then move to a different career) and that's stressing her out almost as much, if not more, than our relationship. We're trying to fight less and just enjoy each other's company at the very least, but she's made it clear to me that it doesn't mean she's completely decided on if we should stay together. And I suppose neither am I now.

Our situation is a lot different than some others, as we've only been "married" since November, and only been a couple for almost three years. So it's not quite like some of the marriages that have been together for decades.

 

I came out to my husband three years ago, we are still living together but will hopefully separate within two more years. We have kids so that complicates things. It's been a slow process for us and some days are better than others. Counseling has been helpful. We take things one day at a time. Good luck to you! You'll figure out what's best for you in time.

 

Some you won't have a choice -- child support is state mandated. Divorce often leads to a decline in all parties standard of living. TX doesn't do a lot of spousal support, but she may get a couple of years at least....

I don't mean that you have to stay married for economic reasons, but you keep repeating the above about two households. With a divorce, there will (unless there is some unique arrangement) two households. These households will have to be established with the financial realities.

But I don't think you are really to the point of making major decisions yet.

 

Not out to her yet but for me I can't see long range happiness for me by planning to stay married for life. I'm figuring out when is the right time. I can't even think about it until I know my family will be taken care of. I'll come out to her soon when we're in a good place financially and she can handle it.

Staying married would just seem like a continuation of the false life I've led so far. I read here of so many trying to stay together in seemingly untenable situations I wonder "Is something wrong with me that I'm already planning to move on someday?"

 

Hi Brian, welcome aboard. I expect you'll find answers all over the place on this question, as I know several people have remained married and others who separated.

My ex and I both tend towards being fairly monogamous. So, even though we care about each other deeply, divorce was where we had to go. We still text every day, and I still think of her as my best friend. She was there for me for some rough times and we get along great.

 

I saw a story on NPR a couple of months ago about a very elderly man in 90's I think. He came out to his wife and offered her a divorce or anything else she wanted, and she said no that she really just wanted to stay married. She passed away a bit back, they were just interviewing him because of his unique perspective on life. I got all teary in parts.

Here found it.
90-Year-Old Gay Man Recalls Long Struggle With His Sexuality : NPR

 

I was married for close to 7 years before separating from my ex husband...however I got married when I was 19 and we didn't have any kids. The thing is although my ex assumed some kind of threesome possibilities when I told him of my growing attraction to women, he wasn't prepared for the idea that I didn't want him anywhere in the picture if I was going to sleep with one.

It became a more platonic r'ship toward the end but without moving on there was no way to experience new love and grow. I guess it depends on how much of your personal romantic happiness you're willing to postpone (I mean literally , months? years?) in the meantime while you wait for your kids to get a bit older/come up with financial contingencies. If it was me though, I don't know if I could do that for a prolonged amount of time without becoming resentful toward the relationship and the partner.

I hope things work out for you

 

You seen to have an amazing situation. My wife and I are good friends; always been more like pals not lovers. If there are more stories like yours out there I hope to here them. We seem to read here the more difficult situations where after we're out we become more trapped.

Thanks for posting this; makes me hopeful.

 

My husband wants to stay together regardless. Hes been nothing but supportive since ive come out. He actually wants me to consider dating. Im kinda on the fence right now. Part of me wants to just forget i ever even told him and just go back to pretending. Another, just wants to be single and focus on the acceptance part. We have a 3 year old, so my reluctance is pary due on not wanting to break up the family.

Right now, my husband and i are good friends and roommates. We dont do couple things. No dates, no sex. We actually get along alot better. I think especially since the expectation of sex is gone. It doesnt seem too hard on him, only cos hes buried in work, so hes distracted. He deserves better tho. Someone who can offer more to him than just friendship.

 

Hi Brians34

A little background on me...bisexual, known since a kid, married 30 + years, not out.

Your same sex attractions will not go away. Mine never have and I don't want them to. Once you accept them you probably will not want them to go away either as they are a part of you.

Sex with my wife became very infrequent over the past couple years and I met a guy that I was very attracted to. We did not act on it. But, it really fired up my "gay". I resented my wife for denying me both straight and gay sex even though she is unaware of my bisexuality. My anger almost destroyed my marriage even though I am still in love, and attracted to, my wife.

Be very careful trying to stay in a mixed orientation marriage without a clear understanding of what each of you really needs. Putting aside your needs may cause resentment and anger from both sides. Your love, partnership and friendship may become compromised.