I think I've made a decision without realising I've made a decision

I think I've sort of switched my understanding of what I want in my life, without even realising that I was doing so.

I can't, won't stay in a monogamous straight relationship. I still don't know if I can ultimately stay in this marriage even if we open it up...that's for a later time to decide. But I know I need to have a space in my life for connection with a woman.

It just sort of seems obvious, like I've been thinking this for a while, but I have only now just really realised it.

I'm going to meet women, I'm going to be honest, but I'm going to be open to letting things develop. And I have to sit down with my husband at some point. I don't think it's the right time just now. I want to just build my sense of community, meet women, build my sense of this understanding of my needs through experiences with new people I meet.

And I think I just can't settle for always living like I'm straight. Maybe my husband won't be able to accept that. But I don't think I can accept things remaining the way they are.

 

Thanks . I'm sorry you are struggling. I understand your pain, and I understand all the reasons for your hesitation. (*hug*)

I don't even know exactly what switched in my perspective, I just sort of had this feeling as I was thinking about things today, that I really do know what I want.

I just want to be *me*. And I can't be me if I continue to live a straight life. I don't know fully who "me" is yet, I'm going to keep learning, but I know I'm not satisfied with a straight life.

 

You'll find your way to be you, whatever that may be, in your own time. Obviously I haven't found my way yet, but I'm starting to see that things are getting a little clearer each day.

 

I feel sort of relaxed and calm for the first time in a while. And I almost feel like "everything will work out in time".

I opened up discussions with my husband last night. No big declarations, I just said I'm becoming clearer on what I need, I talked it through a bit, I told him I was confident we could be strong for our daughter through anything, whether open marriage or divorce. And I tried to give him the chance to talk through his feelings.

This was the first time I was able to talk confidently and clearly with him about what I feel and want. He was surprisingly open to simply listening and talking rather than refuting everything but i wonder how this will play out as more time passes.

---------- Post added 24th Mar 2016 at 10:26 PM ----------

At this point I'm considering open marriage or separation. The alternative is to just deny my feelings completely, because st this time it's important for my growth to have the opportunity to build a real connection with a woman.

---------- Post added 24th Mar 2016 at 10:31 PM ----------

Thanks . This is exactly it, I've realised what I *can't* accept, now it's on to think about what I do want and need.

About open marriage, it's not something my husband wants but he has said he would consider it. We talked a bit yesterday about how the rules are completely up to us. And if we do it, we decide how it works. I think in theory he gets it but emotionally I'm not sure he can handle it. And I totally understand that.

 

Thanks BiAnnika, I will definitely check that out and I may be PMing you soon .

 

Yeah I know... I don't know how sustainable that is. I'm still trying to let these ideas sink in a bit. I think I will talk about the open marriage idea with my husband and research it with him for a while and let us both kind of feel out how it fits our needs.

 

Thanks Mellie . How are you doing/dealing with everything? I haven't seen you in a while, good to see you on here.