Buidling a life as a gay dad

As I've engaged more with the LGBT community and started to build a gay life, I'm finding that my life is becoming bifurcated again, though not nearly as compartmentalized as when I was in the closet. I'm fine with this actually, since I'm no longer hiding anything. I see these as separate (but interrelated) components of my life, such as career and family.

Role #1 - Gay dad living in a heteronormative world

Now that I'm out I'm beginning to appreciate how heteronormative our society really is. I'm not passing judgement on this, just noting that as a gay dad I see that society is geared towards raising straight kids. For example, I saw a student holding hands with his girlfriend at a recent sporting event. He seemed a little awkward, as if he were still learning the ropes of how to behave. I wondered if I will ever see two BFs doing this. I don't live in a homophobic area, it's more of a numbers game (# kids in school * percentage gay * percentage have BF * percentage inclined to go to a sporting event ). As I thought about it more I wished that I had had a proper adolescence - either gay or straight. This wasn't a really strong feeling, just my reaction to the observation, which I quickly let go.

I emphasize my dad persona at these events, that is, I'm masculine and straight acting with the occasional splash of campy behavior. Some parents know I'm gay, some don't. I see this as appropriate behavior for the situation, namely, that I'm a dad who happens to be gay.

Role #2 - Gay dad engaging with the LGBT community

I emphasize my gay persona though I'm transparent about being a dad and newly out when appropriate. When I'm around gay people, I act gay and even give some expression to my effeminate side. I feel that I'm with my people, and I can be gay. In many ways this is part of my second adolescence insofar as I'm learning how to behave as a gay man.

I anticipate that these roles may converge somewhat over time, though I do see them as separate but interrelated parts of me.

Posting this to share my experience to see if it resonates with old timers and as a heads up to the new folks here on EC. Not really looking for advice per se, looking more to stimulate discussion.

 

The latter. When I was in the closet I bifurcated (and walled off) my personality into my straight self and gay self. Now I have one authentic self that gets expressed differently based on the context. I don't see this any differently than acting one way at work and another way at home. Over time I hope I can show my straight friends more of my authentic gay side, although this is more of a nice-to-have second order goal.

I have one authentic self that gets expressed differently based on the context.

Luckily you can have a second adolescence too if you want one

In the US I feel there is real change in terms of LGBT acceptance. I don't personally know an openly LGBT teen. I don't expect heteronormative messages to diminish any time soon, so hopefully LGBT teens can adapt and leverage the heteronormative norms to be more inclusive of LGBT values (e.g., it's OK to take your BF to prom).

 

I'm glad the post was helpful for you.

When I was still in the closet the bifurcation was more severe than today. I had the straight persona and the secret gay compartment that was protected with armor. I was hiding this part of me, which had all kinds of ripple effects, such as focusing on material things instead of sharing the real me (and I don't mean just my sexuality). Now I have one authentic self that gets expressed differently based on the context. I don't see this any differently than acting one way at work and another way at home.

---------- Post added 27th Mar 2016 at 11:12 AM ----------

Thanks for sharing! I'm still waiting for my gay dad of the year T-shirt, though everything is pretty much the same as it has always been (typical rebellious behavior).

---------- Post added 27th Mar 2016 at 11:20 AM ----------

Thanks for sharing and welcome to EC!

 

Thanks OnTheHighway for your insights. You've confirmed how I expect things will evolve over time.

Based on the form of my presentation, which calls out and distinguishes the differences between the dad and gay personas, I could be misleading the reader about the context switch between them. The context shift between these two roles is more fluid and natural than the form of the presentation might suggest, that is, it's not as dramatic as switching between gay and straight modes while in the closet where one had to hide the gay side. I now have one authentic self that gets expressed differently based on the context, and I certainly expect this to continue to evolve further over time.

 

I'm feeling like I'm on a second coming out high. I'm somewhere around the tipping point between heteronormative and homonormative. I feel it, and I trust my feelings at this point. I feel like I'm about to make a another leap of acceptance through surrender and capitulation, and I know I need to let go of my expectations and attempts to control the situation to get there.

Do others relate?

 

As I engage more and more with the LGBT community (via support groups, meetups, etc.), I've reached a point where my personal social calendar is predominantly LGBT-related. I'm beginning to feel that I'm living as a gay man. This is what I mean by the tipping point.

I had the following stream of consciousness insight last night after I posted (in vino veritas )

i've always been here, though you ignored me and didn't fully embrace me till now

it wasn't your fault - they taught you to hide me when you touched that boy in elementary school

you've come home to greet me long lost friend

you don't have to pretend anymore ​

It all came together this morning in bed I've always hidden my true self from the world (sexually as well as other aspects of my personality). This is a learned behavior, and now that I'm out I certainly no longer need to hide. Unfortunately, even with the shame mostly purged, the behavior pattern remains and holds me back from meaningful interactions. I need to consciously allow myself to open up and be more emotional and vulnerable with others if I'm to unlearn this behavior pattern.

 

The common definition of homonormativity is the assimilation of heteronormative ideals and constructs into LGBTQ culture and individual identity. My intent here is to contrast it with heteronormativity, which has been my faux self for decades. I see this as an affirmation that I'm both a dad and a gay man. I realize that the idea of homonormativity is controversial to some in the LGBT community, and I don't want to take this thread off topic since it's benefiting many people who find themselves in mixed-orientation marriages with kids.

Thanks. I'm glad that this has helped you see the path ahead of you.

Thanks. I've shared with you the same tools that I use, so I'm confident that you'll get to this level of self honesty and expression.

Thanks. Perhaps you can write about and share your explorations? I'm going to gay prom tonight

 

Hey Highlander2,

I have a similar view that I am a dad who happens to be gay. There's some ambiguity in the bolded text. Here's my take. I'm open to letting being gay (my attraction to other men) define me as a person because it reflects something very fundamental about who I am as a person. I am less open to letting gay culture define me as a person. I do not fully embrace all aspects of the gay culture. My personal philosophy is that I want to continue to live the heteronormative lifestyle (quiet life in the suburbs raising children and pursuing a career) but as a gay man. I've been using the term homonormative to capture this idea.

Most of my interactions with gay men (as friends, hookups, and relationships) have been with guys who were married to women at some point in their life. While I've heard about gays who look down on previously heterosexually married men, I haven't encountered them in real life. Most of the gay men who were not married to women appear to be accepting of my path. If I were to encounter them, I would not allow them to discount my experience any more than I would allow a homophobe to make an unchallenged homophobic remark.

My take is these gay men you've encountered are a page from The Velvet Rage. They have not resolved their shame, and this is being manifested by their invalidating your life experience and their apparent heterophobia. Personally I wouldn't let this bother me. I know who I am, and I know what I've gone through to get here. I have to ask you, though, do you continue to feel some shame or other emotion that allows their unkind remarks to bother you so much?