Has anyone found really difficult to accept they might be gay. I mean really difficult like after fantising about it, it has made you retch and be sick? I find it really hard to accept after many many years of thinking about it.
It was a sexual fantasy about mutual masterbation with another faceless male. I feel like such a freak, but I know being gay is ok. Sorry but am panicking a bit.
Justasking100, Yes, I did at first when I started dealing with being gay. Even when I had fantasies about it made me feel bad about myself. One thing I found out through the coming out gay to myself was that society and what I have been taught growing up (the church), is where the denial was coming from. When I had these fantasies, it made me feel like I had broken a law, like robbing a bank. Once I delt with that issue the denial started to fade for me, I have the awesome support of a few friends that helped me work through it, and made me realize that my happiness was more important. My suggestion is to find out what is making you have denial feelings about the fantasies, and deal with that. When I did things started making more sense to me and that I was gay not bi like I had originally thought.
It's a long long time of thinking it's wrong or thinking I'm a freak for possibly liking that. I do want to recognise it but I have no actual desire to go and act on it. ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2016 at 02:51 AM ---------- I am also quite depressed at the moment which doesn't help.
There is definitely s shame element to it. Plus I think I have felt that being gay makes you less of a person, almost as if I have some internalised homophobia as well.
Well, my experience is a bit different than this, but because of sexual abuse, I was deeply ashamed at sexual feelings for women when I was a teen. I went through a period of feeling "dirty". It was not as strong as the reaction you're describing, more of a fleeting feeling. But it did effectively motivate me to generally ignore those feelings. So, it had quite a big effect.
If your depression is situational, and say tomorrow you're feeling better, then ignore this, but if you actually have depression that lasts, please talk to your doctor about it. It took me years before I actually sought help and it just makes all the difference in the world.
It's been my experience that most gay men have known at some level they are gay, but aren't willing to accept it. They know they are gay because their brains receive signals that they find another guy attractive, and they explain them away. Clues include crushes on other boys growing up, peaking at other guys in the shower, checking out guys on the street, and so forth. So if you experience one of these which has made you feel retch and be sick, then you could be in denial. Whenever we've explored these in previous threads, none of these have resonated with you, so it's not clear to me if you are gay in deep denial or have compulsive thoughts about being gay.
Siena. As always I appreciate your input. So I remember being pretty embarrassed in the showers and and looking at other guys to see how i compared -pretty poorly if I'm honest. Another paranoia of mine. Lately I've been less on here more trying to pray for guidance and help dealing with matters. I'm wasnt religious but it's been nice to them no there is someone looking out for us. It's was today that I fantasised about mutual masterbation and the. Afterwards retched. I think it's because being gay is so huge a deal for me and I'm scared. I did notice guys when I was a teenager but not consciously in a 'oh I want to do something with you way'. It wasn't a concious 'oh I really fancy that' more of a sub concious acknowledgement. When the idea of being gay came into my concious aged 20 it made me really scared and that's when I went to the doc, who said it was obsessive. I've been thinking more that there is definitively something there in terms of the gayness/bisexuality but I'm working on choosing not to act on it approach and praying to God for His support. I'm all for people living whatever life they want. For me I just want to live a straight life for the sake of those around me. ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2016 at 06:07 AM ---------- The thing is. Nobody can work this out but me and I don't really know what to do. I'm not sure masterbation is helping though.
Based on what you've written in your last post ^^^, it is possible that your brain is getting gay signals based on your observation about sub-conscious acknowledgement of guys when you were a teen. When I was in sixth grade, I thought certain guys were cute but never associated that with having sexual interest until after I came out. Then it made total sense. Have you gained any insights from greatwhale's challenge? If you assume you are gay for a week, perhaps you can begin to understand and analyze the signals in your brain. In hindsight, do you think the signals when you were a teen were because you had sexual interest in those guys? Perhaps you want to find a gay therapist to help you figure out your orientation. I want you to discover and accept your sexual orientation, whether it be straight, bi, or gay. If you were bisexual or gay, I think it would be a mistake to ignore it and live a straight life for the sake of the people around you. I've been down that path, and sooner or later there will come a day of reckoning as your attractions get stronger at midlife. Until I have a pretty good idea that you are in denial, though, I'm not going to suggest that you call off your wedding. Perhaps somebody from the EC staff can weigh in here as well.
Thanks Siena. It's not just for anyone else's sake, my partner said to me jokingly she'd throw herself off a cliff if I left. Half jokingly though. There my mum too. All in all its best I live a straight life and hope that God can give me the strength to not act on gay thoughts/desires
Have you talked to a professional counselor, especially one who deals with LGBT issues? Your feelings of depression may be more than temporary and could be affecting how you're understanding your sexuality (and remember that it's not just gay or straight; there can be many levels of bisexuality as approximated by the Kinsey scale). Also, I don't think retching and feeling sick is very healthy no matter what your sexuality. Even if I'm gay, I don't think straight sex is physically disgusting.
