Tonight I remembered the day I came out to my husband. At the time I had no idea how much this would change my life. I didn't come out as gay, and I'm not sure yet if that's what I am. But I know now that opening the door, acknowledging my feelings for women has taken me to many points of inexplicable fear, but has also taken me to a point now, where I dream of freedom, peace, contentment, somewhere in the future. My heart is leaning into those dreams and there's something calming and beautiful about them, but a little lonely and unnerving. The day I came out, it took forever for my mouth to form the word 'bisexual', but I didn't expect that it would drastically change my marriage or my life. I just knew that there was this part of me I ignored that I couldn't ignore anymore. I didn't want to anymore. From that moment, a flood of emotions, years of shame, denial, layers and layers of the me I thought I knew came to the surface. And those waves of emotions brought new truths to the surface, revealed feelings I worked so hard to deny through my life. Now today, I'm at a place I never expected to be, realising my life looks very different as I stand on the outside looking in. I find myself growing into me, a more real me, a me that's been hidden under layers of insecurity, shame and fear. I like the me I'm uncovering, this real me. I like what I feel, say and do when my thoughts and desires aren't guarded, when my defences are lowered. I feel more alive, more awake. And this me, the one I'm evolving to be, looks in on my life and wonders, how the f* did I get here? How did I get so far from my true self? I picture a life that makes more sense, one in which I am just me, where I express my feelings and desires freely, and that life looks so different to the one I've built, the one I'm living. But I'm not sad, not right now. I think for the first time I feel...hopeful. I feel a fight building in me, a sense of resolve growing, one that tells me to fight for my happiness. There's also fear, waves of uncertainty, doubts. Worry and apprehension. I'm not sure of the point of posting this, I just feel like getting these feelings out somewhere. Can anyone relate?
Um yeah. At least the trying to figure everything out part. I thought i was "out" to some of my friends for years. One used to call me her 'married lesbian friend'. But the day i finally said the words out loud "I'm gay" was the scariest day ever. I had thought i was already through that. But it's been almost 2 years now and the roller coaster hasn't stopped. I'm trying, I'm learning, I'm growing. But some days it just seems so hard. "Why is this happening to me?" I had a good marriage, a great guy, a kid. And then i felt like i was hit out of left field. Learning to breathe.
Grace, it's the same for me, my daughter, our family unit, is what makes it all so complicated. I'm starting to see more clearly what I want but the thought of our little family is the hardest thing to imagine leaving behind. I'm still working through what will happen to my marriage - open marriage? Divorce? But I'm finally realising that I need to be me, however I manage to do that. Are you still married? I haven't any posts by you just yet, so I'm sorry if I missed your story. And welcome to EC . This is a supportive place, I hope you find it as warm and encouraging as I do.
I don't know baristajedi, reading this post concerns me that your going back to procrastinating again. Is this really where you want to be? Stop pondering and get moving on with your life.
Omigod yes, I relate. There was a time when I knew I would change my life, but also knew that I could not do it yet. And my relationship with my secrets changed. I did not have a child to consider and I did not disclose until I was leaving. I could say I wish I knew what might have happened, but I know what would have happened. He was deeply religious and went on tirades against gays all the time. He might have indulged a threesome fantasy but I doubt he would have ever embraced me as I am. So yes... I hear your inner strength growing and I believe it gets stronger with self-acceptance. You are on the path. I don't know where the path will lead you but your feet are firmly planted. Hugs! (*hug*)
Does it seem that way? I think I am just in general over emotive, especially when tired. I was up last night, feeling just a bit of uneasiness and not sleeping well. But I'm feeling really positive about going forward, even if, in all honesty, still a bit doubtful/scared/nervous in waves here and there. I need to express those feelings sometimes, but I have been feeling clearer and clearer about what I want. At this point, I have a kind of plan in place. I have been thinking this morning that I need to set a timeline. Not sure yet what that should be. But I want to set a milestone for me to explore my feelings a bit and by a certain time decide whether I think an open marriage or a separation is what I need most. In the time leading up to that, to help me decide, I am starting to build friendships, meeting women and building up a community. I have started arranging my own LGBT group, I've made a new friend, a woman I met at one of the meetups - we met for coffee last week, and have plans again for this week, and I've got a meetup planned once a week. I know what I want - I want to be able to meet women, be intimate with women, build a meaningful connection with a woman and I told my husband this already, he knows that I have made this decision. What is uncertain at this moment is - would I feel more satisfied with an open marriage or splitting from my husband. I guess this post was just thinking about where these decisions all started. But I'm not really pondering in terms of wondering if I'm on the right path. I know this is the right path for me, and the right way to find the ultimate path. ---------- Post added 28th Mar 2016 at 03:46 AM ---------- I do feel like my inner strength is growing. I'm not sure if my post conveys this, but I guess it's not so much that I'm not yet ready to make a change, it's that I'm ready to make a big change, but I'm on the fence about which is the best change. But I'm not feeling conflicted or uneasy. I feel like I have a path to follow and it's all going in the right direction in time. I'm just not fully sure where the path will go. Do I need to go my own way completely? Or do I need to incorporate my sexuality into my marriage? I can't rush this though, there's nothing I can do to make it go faster. At this point, the pace is exactly what it should be. It's the first time in a long time I feel mostly clear and at ease. I'm doing all the things I need to do to find my way. I'm meeting people, and I'm making active decisions to explore what I need. Now it's just an instinct game.
I can totally relate to fighting for your own happiness, I feel like I want to do this no matter how hard it is and how long it takes. Regardless of who I end up being with. I have the same issue in that I am so sad at the thought of potentially splitting up my little family and the guilt that comes with that. However I also want my child to know who I am really am and to know me being happy. As someone whose parents are divorced I don't want to stay in an unhappy relationship as my parents did for the sake of their children as ultimately it didn't benefit anyone. p.s. I think you have made a lot of progress! You seem sure of what you want and are taking steps towards that.
Hi. I'm new around here. Some of my story is in a couple other posts. Still technically married, but in the final stages of divorce. I moved out 6 months ago. We both decided that an open marriage was not right for either of us. He was my best friend, some days i hope we'll get back to that. Splitting up my family was the hardest decision i ever made. But he believes, and on my good days, i believe that living my life with part of it bottled up is not right. I didn't make the easy choice. I made the right choice. I didn't make the happy choice. I made the right choice. I didn't make the fun choice. I made the right choice. I miss you. The right choice sucks. I want my life back. I want your life back. I want [my son's] life back. I hate this. I hate the right choice.
When I felt the fight building in me, that's when I knew it wouldn't be long before I went into action. And the fear, uncertainty, doubts, worry and apprehension also grew as the will to fight grew. I don't want you to be unhappy. I think it's important to get the feelings out, somewhere, anywhere, everywhere, until you have said all you can say and all that is left is to decide on what action you will take. And if you take an action, sometimes you can undo it and sometimes you cannot. And if you take no action, and your distress keeps getting worse, then it may be better for you long-term to take action. I want you to live your life happy, authentic, without pain or fear and I don't know what that means for you, but all I can say is I wish it for you.
This is kind of where I am right now, just knowing finally that I want to be me, and that I have to fight for that. Being myself will require big changes in my life, and I'm trying to work exactly what changes I need to make to get where I want to be. Yes, this is exactly how I feel, all of it. Thank you! That's encouraging ---------- Post added 29th Mar 2016 at 07:32 AM ---------- Grace, I'm sorry you're struggling. I can imagine that this stage of moving forward would be very emotionally trying. I worry about it for myself if I go that route. You are making a hard choice, it's true, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. You will get through this. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 29th Mar 2016 at 07:35 AM ---------- Thanks (*hug*) I'm in a good point, I've decided I will not live as a straight woman anymore. It's just down to figuring out exactly what I want to feel like I'm living an authentic life, to be a fully-realised person. I'm getting there. I think until I have kind of gotten past some of the remaining questions, it may be a hard path.
