Does sex really matter that much?

To your specific question, apparently it does matter, and it matters a lot. I think as humans, we are geared that way - to have it matter.

Now, everyone probably has a different perspective as to where sex fits into their lives, and I am sure that perspective changes over time.

But let's not kid ourselves, sex and sexuality drives so much of the human condition.

...now I must get back to thinking about sex

 

I agree with OTH that sex does matter and drives much of the human condition. Sex is fun and feels good, what's not to like

Sex though is one element of a relationship. You also need to consider romance and companionship. As a Kinsey 5, your sexual and romantic preference is predominantly for other guys. As a Kinsey 5, I feel way more comfortable with other guys emotionally (sexually too), so I prefer to have a relationships with other guys.

In reading your post I felt like you are trying to rationalize and convince yourself to stay with your wife. While you love your wife, do you think you could find a relationship with a man even more fulfilling? If you are already unhappy with the quality and frequency of sex with her, this will only get worse over time (even less frequent) and guess where that will take you?

Now if you will excuse me, I need to log into *******

 

I think OTH and Siennafire already covered your actual question, and I'm in total agreement with them - yes, sex is really important.

But I'm thinking about this from a different angle - I'm wondering if you're asking yourself the right questions. Instead I wonder - what would bring you the greatest sense of self-fulfillment?

In truth I don't think coming out is simply about relationships, about sex, about who we end up with. I realised for myself at least that, with a small kid, there's a big chance if I separate from my husband, I may not end up in a relationship again for a long time. It's just logistically not necessarily in the cards for a single mom. So, if I'm leaving my husband, it has to be about knowing me, living for me, and not living what feels like a lie. In short, being alone is often better if it means a more authentic life.

I believe you love your wife, I believe she's a good person and you are close and have something special. But given that, it still does not mean that you are being true to yourself.

You want something that your wife cannot offer. Sexual orientation is about more than just sex, it's about desire, emotional connection, chemistry, and romance. If you don't have that with your wife (ask yourself, do you truly have that with your wife, or do you simply have an approximation of those things?), then I don't think it matters if you don't find love with a man for a long time. Part of this is about knowing that we aren't living a life that is incongruent with our true needs.

Just a bit of perspective, but of course, take it with as many grains of salt as you want... I'm no expert in my own life.

 

I'll treat this as an academic question rather than about comingoutswingings situation.

I believe that sex really does matter. I almost destroyed a multi-decade marriage over incompatible sexual needs. As couples age, individual sexual needs vary. When they were as divergent as ours were, an otherwise great relationship can be seriously jeopardized. Even though we are in love, compatible and best friends without the depth of intimacy that sex provided, it was not enough for me.

For me, on the gay side, it is different. I tend to bond quickly, easily, and deeply with other men. Mostly with guys that I do some sort of extreme sport with..climbing, kayaking or skiing. There is nothing as intimate as spending an afternoon on a hanging belay 300 ft. off the deck working on some problem. For years, I believe that the intensity of this bonding was satisfying my gay needs. Now, as I cannot do these things with the same intensity, I seem to be more interested in sexual intimacy with men. Does that matter? Maybe enough for me that I will risk asking my wife if I can explore it.

 

Sex matters a great deal but the whole package appeals to me as well. I look forward to the day to day with a man I love as much as what goes on in bed.
I love my wife as a person and mother or our children and yes I could perform if required. Maybe it's different for me since we are never intimate and haven't been for forever.

Sienna Fire explained in a different thread how the level of passion and love could be so much more real and intense when loving someone in your authentic sexuality. I've fallen for a couple of guys and I've never felt that burning desire, longing and aching for a woman as I have for those guys. Translate that into the bedroom and wow!

Truly sharing your self with someone includes the passion and vulnerability of sharing that intimate experience with your bodies. So yeah it's a big deal. For me to have sex "just to get by" so to speak and get off would be just continuing inauthenticity.

Turing into a passionate thread here:redface: I think I need to log into wherever Sienna fire was going hehehe. :icon_bigg

 

On my not so good days i say things like "I gave up everything so i could have sex with women". I had a great marriage to a great guy and a wonderful future, add in one kid and you get the idea. He's my best friend. We like to say there are 568 things about our relationship, this [me being gay] is just one. Is it really that important?? But just as baristajedi said, living inauthentically can do more damage. Sure i could stay and just ignore that part of me, like i did for 15 years. But at what cost? Is that fair to me? To him? To our son?

 

I was with a guy almost 2 decades and we had the "friendship, great times sitting watching TV or on vacation" we never kissed. Maybe like 20 times dating but only 1 or two attempts at a make out session because of incompatibility on both sides.

Then of course I married him, and as we know the people at highest risk of being divorced are the ones who got married... and then met a woman who kissed me and my world and marriage collapsed.

I'd say it matters. If I was happy not kissing, being hetero, then why would it affect me so much to kiss or touch a woman? I thought I was happy, and told myself it didn't matter, and for many years/decades it didn't matter.

If you are thinking about it, dwelling on it, and possibly changing relationships over it, I'd say it does matter to you. It doesn't help to tell ourselves "it's only sex" or whatever, because if it were only sex than why would we all be on empty closets dot com? The physical connection with another person isn't just about base, carnal desires... it's about intimacy, connection, feeling accepted. Are you getting those feelings from your current relationship? Enough to keep you around and satisfied, and not miserable and longing for something else?

 

I agree with all the above opinions and I think baristajedi has hit the nail on the head. Chemistry and desire are something that can't be faked. You either have them or you don't and I think if you don't have them with your wife you will always be susceptible to meeting someone you do have that with.

 

Hookup sites provide very immediate ways to engage with the LGBT community, and it can be lots of fun to chat with other guys and see where things go :icon_bigg

Having said that, we all need to be careful when participating on these sites and avoid unnecessary temptation. I'm not saying don't have fun, we just need to be clear with ourselves about what we are looking for and what our limits are. Always be safe.

 

Absolutely, I was implying something solo in nature. :icon_wink. That being said the chat can be fun just don't be reckless.

 

Its a very good question and I thought about it a lot and even threw it here a while ago. Is it worth risking family, kids and a nice life and a good relationship for the sake of an elusive and supposedly more fulfilling sex life. My partner clearly thinks that sex is way too overrated for some people. There are a lot of other things (pretty much everything she can think of!) that are more important than sex at the moment. We currently have it about once per quarter. I am with COS on the ideal frequency scale, 3 times a day (does not have to be 3 times full sex) easily and I refuse to be ashamed or made to think I am a perv because of this. If you are healthy and fit and look after yourself, that's absolutely normal for a 30 something. A lot of guys in sexless relationships kill their desire by destroying their health through sedentarism, smoking, drinking and eating a lot. I see no point in doing that. I confronted her jokingly about the frequency issue and she said it gets better with time, i.e. Don't worry honey, your desire will come down as you get old. It is a very depressing thought, you only live once! I think you have frequent sex because you are healthy, fit and happy and it makes you live longer. On the other hand, you don't need so much stuff, bad for big business, there is definitely a link between pathologizing normal
sexual needs and frequencies and a consumerist society. Anyway, getting back to the initial question, I think sexual frustration will breed resentment and other problems over time. The bottom line really is, you only live once and if you cannot f***, whats the f****** point of everything else? Unless you believe you are going to some sort of heaven if you forego your sex life, but if I liked chastity, I would have joined a monastery!

 

No one can argue with this. But, if were not for my testing of those limits on a hookup site, I would very likely be in a worse place with my marriage (unless I would have been caught). My complete stupidity and near recklessness caused me to re-examine my relationship and was a catalyst in rebuilding it.

It did two other things to me. Forced me to get into therapy and seek out this site. Here I have learned how important it is for me to come out to my wife. Life is a learning experience!

Hey Mr. B. Just saw your post while I was writing. I have 20 years, probably, on you. Just so your wife knows, sometimes the desire for sex does not decrease! Once a quarter? For a 30 something year old? Ouch! The low frequency sex with my wife started after we were married 20 years. I could not have survived that as a younger man! You are correct about staying in shape and how that affects your sex drive.

 

Well, I've done without sex for 45.25 years (at least sex involving another human being), and have survived... And today, I suppose I can go the rest of my life without sex, too. Although that view is a view of today, when I post this. Who knows how I'll feel down the road? I may reach a point where I get so desperate that I'd be willing to consider even a craigslist hookup ad, such as this:

I'll be in a dark motel room. Wearing a blindfold. You come in, rip your clothes off, and have your way with me! I have no diseases!!! [This statement is based on a STD test from 10 years ago.] If you say you are clean, you can bareback me! [He has been barebacked by 175 different guys the last two months.]​

I think the importance of sex is probably variable person to person, and even within a person's life things can probably vary.

 

Right now, I could care less. I'd rather spend my time drawing or playing video games. I'm still young however, so there's plenty of time for my opinion to change.

 

My original joke was referencing a hookup site because EC obfuscates the name of popular hookup sites with ******* characters, and I was making reference to that.

---------- Post added 28th Mar 2016 at 09:02 PM ----------

Nickw - My intent is not to invalidate your experience, since your close call was clearly a wake up call for you. My intent is to call out the risks associated with participating in these hookup sites and let each EC member make their own decision as to whether or not the sites are for them. I think it's fair to say that not everyone who visits hookup sites resists the temptation as well as you did.

 

Siennafire

I understand. I was sort of agreeing and I guess I did not make it clear. It was a very close call for me that worked out O.K. But, could, easily, have gone the other way. I did not resist temptation...I tempted it. Had the other guy not been my mirror image and felt the same way...who knows. It was easy to back down when we both thought we were being idiots.

I think, more to the point of this thread, is that most of us do need sex in our lives and we are kidding ourselves if we think we can enter, or stay in, a relationship where our sexual needs are not being met. Eventually, some of us do rather lame ass sh't to satisfy those needs.

 

I agree and would add that some people (myself included) find themselves in a relationship where our sexual and emotional needs were not met, which required LAS to satisfy those needs. Ultimately I came out to satisfy my emotional needs and ironically have become more accepting of my sexual needs.

 

Oh yes. LAS has a purpose in life as long as we know that it is and are willing to accept the consequences. I have devoted my life to LAS pursuits in general! I do agree that not understanding, or fulfilling, one's sexual needs can affect your ability to fulfill one's emotional needs. At least for me! To fulfill those needs requires understanding those needs and sometimes those sites provide almost instantaneous feedback! My experience was that I did not want it...valuable information. Had I found out I wanted it...valuable too. But, very risky...do not try this at home!