Those reading these boards will have seen me twist and turn about my sexuality over these last few months. I'm now able to say that I'm gay. I'm pretty sure about that. It's seriously affected my mental health. I've been a coward all these years and hurt people along the way in having straight relationships. I'm not looking for a gay relationship, I have my existing life to sort out first. Family going mental at me, as we've cancelled our wedding over the last couple of days. It's not the right thing to do in our current circumstance and was causing more mental anguish. The power of denial has been so strong for me I figure but I'm having a hard time letting my brain come to terms with it. I may just have to live my life as a single man as I fear I'll be a long time coming to terms with this. It's been so easy for me to live a 'normal' life, to be the person that I'm expected to be. But there's been something missing that I can only now acknowledge. Being told it's an obsession just feeds the denial more because you have an excuse to say I'm not gay. But i am.
I would really, strongly advise you against calling yourself a coward, even if it feels that way - to you. I'm telling you that a coward would not take ownership of a problem like this and cancel a wedding. A coward would not admit to the mental suffering and anguish that it's all caused. It would be so much easier to bury it beneath a false exterior and ignore reality in the short term, only to find it all comes flooding back, with greater agony in a year or two. Confronting issues is not the mark of a coward. Denial is a deeply controlling feeling that keeps us hostage, but you have taken decisions within the last few days to break some of the chains of control. You still have a long way to go, of course, but in acknowledging the issues and talking about them you give yourself a fighting chance. At this stage, it's too early to be thinking in those terms. You need to give yourself time to take stock and recover, to work out where you are heading on your personal journey. Predicting (or trying to predict) the pattern of one's life after all of this stress and trauma is impossible.
It will become more easy to come to terms that you are gay over time. This is not something that happens over night. I went through the samething, just came out on the other side. For me it was like a storm brewing on the inside, once I let that storm happen, I was able to focus on me, things started coming into focus for me and what I need to do for my personal happiness. One thing that really help me was keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings and events that happen. This way I was able to go back and see the progress I made. Keep your head up and stay focused on you.
I could not agree with Patrick more. I wish I had an ounce of your "cowardice"...my life would have taken on a very different trajectory. If you remember anything at all about this, I hope you realize that doing the right thing may at times bring a lot of pain, but usually of the short-term variety. Your life will eventually find its equilibrium, and once everything is sorted out and you will have had time to discover who you really are, you will have created a life worth sharing with another.
It was very freeing to finally say the words "I'm gay" out loud. And VERY scary. I was married. With a kid. I had known for a long time but was never willing to admit it to myself. I agree that you can't judge your future life on how you're feeling right now. You've got months possibly years of trying to sort all this out before you can truly start to move forward. I'm right in the thick of it right now, so I understand. Take a deep breath. It's going to be ok.
Definitely not a coward; you're courageous. I'm hoping I have as much courage as you have and take control as you have. Someone likened rebuilding one's life as gay after years of denial to a fixing house on a shaky foundation. It takes time to rebuild we can't do it overnight. Give yourself time and space; place your self in the future 10 years and look back to the present and you'll see a confident courageous man.
Justasking, I'm so happy for you that you've made this huge step. I wish you strength and happiness going forward. I know you struggle deeply with accepting this identity. Just take it one step at a time.
As barista said, take it one step at a time! And you've already made a giant leap. Be proud. You're far from a coward.
Thanks for comments. I guess it's weird as my fiancée and daughter have gone away to her family for a while. Despite what I wrote in this thread I miss them terribly tonight. I'm taking the opportunity to do some real thinking about how life could be but also doing some 'being' and not trying to think too much. Am planning to an LGBT swimming meet up on Saturday, just to meet some folk.
Definitely not a coward. Things may be tough for awhile, but you probably just saved your ex fiancée and yourself years of confusion and unfair dishonesty that only ends in even more confusion, along with heartbreak and resentment. I'm sure you're having a version of that right now, but I really think you've saved the both of you here. That's being courageous
