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Can't imagine having same sex relationship

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ConsciousRose42, Mar 29, 2016.

  1. ConsciousRose42

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    Hi so I came out last August --
    Initially I was so happy and liberated I felt 'yes this is who I am a gay women '
    Now I'm going through a grieving stage - grieving my old life - that I'll never be in hetro relationship again ( this is all I've known )

    The thing is I just can't imagine what it's like being in love with a female - but then I say 'well why would I have never experienced it before -
    What will it be like ? How does it work ?
    I also at the moment seem to be playing with my image - first I had my hair cut short and liked feeling more masculine and now I feel like I want to grow my hair back and get more feminine again -
    I ask myself 'will I be more male dominant in the relationship or female - gee I feel confused -

    Now I'm thinking I'm just over thinking it all and it would be best to just go with what I feel now esp in terms of gender and just do what feels right in terms of image and my gender feelings
     
  2. Orchidea123

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    First of all, I am not an expert.
    Reading your thread makes me wonder: how did you come to conclusion you are a lesbian, and not bi, and not asexual, gender fluid, etc.?

    This may be a straight forward question so, sorry.. Just wondering why you are so sure you are only into women. Your answer may help me as well.

    Now, your other deliberations (appearance wise) may be different from sexual or romantic orientation.
    I know, I am not an expert, but I overloaded myself with online material on these categories.
    My advice regardless: all these questions may mean you just need to get into relationship(s) and explore?
     
    #2 Orchidea123, Mar 29, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2016
  3. ConsciousRose42

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    Thanks
    I've spent my life in a 'half truth I'm bi sort of way ' I came out of 4 yr relationship last yr and shortly after I was hit with a profound realisation I'm a gay women - in that one moment I knew 100% and I also knew I never would be with a man again. It was a deep soul gut knowing ....
    Re gender I also woke up to being 35% male - strange figure I know .... And yes gender fluid feels right but overall I feel female
     
  4. afgirl

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    Well, then I'm wondering why you would grieve your old life. You don't have to shut the door on anything you don't want to. Also, I would not stress over the dynamics of a relationship that you don't have yet. And while you may have a traditional butch/femme relationship, there's nothing that says it has to be that way.

    I think we end up stressing the details too much. Focus on the connection you have with a person and everything else will fall into place.
     
  5. YeahpIdk

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    ConsciousRose, you are being too conscious!

    Yes, you are overthinking, which is still totally normal. I'm two years post falling for a female, and about 7 or so months of totally accepting the fact that I'm super duper bi, but perhaps a teeny bit more lesbian. And guess what happened last night? I had a dream about my trigger crush that turned me off so much it made me wake up feeling awkward and gross and like I was not a lesbian...and then I talked to this chick an hour ago and thought, "we should probably get married."

    Lol, I mean, if that's not some back and forth, then I don't know what is! It just takes time and we can feel differently and insecure and great from one moment to the next. I think it's like absolutely anything in life, where you can feel wishy washy, but it's harder with sexuality because we're trained not to think about it so much: guy picks girl, they get married, they have babies. We're not made to feel like it's okay to think about what happens when that guy or girl starts to feel unhappy and strange and realizes it's because girl winds up realizing she likes other girls.

    All of that may have been a totally unnecessary way to tell you to chill out and just go with the flow. Have you ever been in love with anyone? That's what it will feel like when you're in love with a girl. Since I was in love with a girl, I can tell you that it feels pretty amazing, even if she doesn't love you back, haha! I felt desire and care and worship and all these other things that didn't exist before. It'll happen to you too. What are you doing to put yourself out there and make sure it does?

    Your questions about why you've never experienced loving a female before are good to ask, but they still don't define your sexuality. That is something you feel deep down, and if saying that you're a gay woman feels right to you, and that it's the life you long for, then that's who you are. Growing up I always thought I was going to be with a guy, but I always showed attraction toward both sexes, I just never pictured being with a female until I fell for one really hard. I think you need to start putting yourself out there more if you're not already.

    And in regard to your style preferences, keep trying things on yourself until you find what makes you feel the best and like you. I change a lot of the time too. My style can range from business casual, to casual, to femme, and sometimes tomboy/androgynous. I do sometimes feel less feminine than other women around me, but not masculine. You can have a strong personality and style without labeling it as masculine. Just keep going and keep figuring out who you are! Everything you're wondering is relevant and makes sense. So don't worry too much.

    It is also totally(!!!) normal to grieve your old life. Since heterosexuality is the [wanted] norm, living as a gay woman is opposite that, and goes against the rules, making us more vulnerable. It's normal to feel that way, but just remember that you're grieving a life that wouldn't make YOU happy. And when you're living your life, with a woman you're in love with (if that winds up happening for you), you won't be grieving anymore.
     
    #5 YeahpIdk, Mar 29, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2016
  6. Grace66

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    I am totally in that grieving stage. Grieving a Life that i had, a marriage, a future. But Like you said it's a Life that ultimately wouldn't make me happy. At least i keep telling myself that. It Sure seems happier than where i am now. But i keep telling myself that once i get through this it Will be Better. I need to grieve everything that i lost. But a friend recently told me to reframe that... I lost everything=I started everything. Sometimes it just seems Like More work than it's worth.
     
  7. IamIam

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    I can totally relate to the grieving Stage. I am in the early stages of coming out - still questioning but pretty much there. I have always known that both genders were an option for me;however, my preference was always men. It is only in recent years that I gained clarity on the fact that, while men might still be an option, the attraction I have for women is a lot stronger. On one hand, I feel relief and a bit more inner calm with respect to accepting who I am. But on the other hand, continuing ahead with this will cause a whole lot of changes in my life. So much of my social life, the activities I have had, have been all about groups related to heterosexual singles. And the LGBT Events/Groups in this area don't have anything similar to or as interesting to me as those groups (I could always start my own group, though, right? :=) ). One of my friends tells me to view this new place I am in as Adding to my life, not taking away from it. It just feels like everything is changing, which it is, and nothing is really settled or familiar and there is a lot of uncertainly about how everything will be. And that is a hard place to be. I'm glad to know that there is a name for all of this and the Stages I am in and that once I get thru it things will settle. But for now, I understand the grieving and sadness as I feel that a bit as Well.
     
  8. afgirl

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    Well, I don't mean to make light of a grieving process. Quite honestly, I haven't experienced anything like that. I have had a feeling that something has been missing for many years, and I finally feel as though that need is being met. I also identify more as bisexual, so perhaps that's the reason I don't feel like I'm giving anything up. It's good to realize that every journey is different.
     
  9. bb3344

    bb3344 Guest

    My daughter is almost 13. She was imagined, organized and produced in 2003 by two women in love. I haven't needed to think about this until 2013 when I became involved with a "straight woman"-a straight woman who carries more shame than I could've ever imagined...and who's shame in herself and me can now only be contrasted against my daughter's very absolute everyday reality. My daughter had divorced moms who adore her. She is the genetic daughter of an unknown male donor.

    Do you think my kid questions or apologizes to anyone about who she is...whether or not she has two moms? No. Her reality and upbringing leads her and every single human being she has ever been involved with from socialization at age 2-- to believe...and know...that her background, love, morality and empathy don't come from religion or the sexual preference or political leanings of her moms. They come from a secure, loving, empathetic and kind upbringing. Not from a metaphysical ideal. She's loved and accepted. She expects everyone to practice and experience the same.

    You all may not have had her experience but all who area late in life questioning and feeling shame... Please know it has nothing to do with shameful feelings or sin,guilt or badness regarding your soul or person.... However..you were raised To interpret your sexuality as you do now. It doesn't make it true. Ask my kid.

    Promise. Give yourselves a break.