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How do I move forward?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dave3030, Mar 29, 2016.

  1. Dave3030

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    I'm a guy in my mid twenties, I know this is the 'later in life section' but I'd like a more mature view on my situation.

    I'm not a massive fan of labels, but I feel comfortable that I am bisexual. It's something that I've known and come to terms with over a number of years, but still it can be confusing at times.

    I find women sexually attractive, but not in the same way as guys. At this stage of my life I can't imagine a relationship with a woman, but I know so few people in life that it's made figuring things out all the more difficult.

    I'm self employed and have a very small support network in life, day to day the only interaction is with my mother and father. They're not aware that I'm bisexual, but at the same time I've never suggested otherwise. The problem is they're incredibly homophobic, and I know they would be horrified if they found out. That seems ridiculous in 2016, but it's the way it is.

    At the same time I don't want to be lonely and have been actively (and unsuccessfully) trying internet dating for the last 3 years. It takes a lot of confidence for me to message a guy, as I know the consequence is telling my parents, so it's gutting when I get no response.

    Recently I've been chatting to someone I like the sounds of, but my confidence has got less as the years have gone on and in truth I can't imagine telling my parents now. I suffer from severe depression, for other reasons as well as this, and fear a negative reaction from mother and father could push me over the edge.

    I know father would stop talking to me and that would be very hard. I can see me having a complete breakdown.

    But at the same time the thought of being alone forever really upsets me. Even now the only times I feel I can cope with life are when I'm asleep or drinking, but whatever way I choose to go the outcomes look bad.

    Can you ever accept that you won't come out, and probably never meet anyone? How do I move on in life?
     
  2. wanderinggirl

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    You can live your life however you want. If you don't want to come out, or meet people, you can do that. Some people become monks, or otherwise live a celibate life, or live forever in the closet with respect to their family, or find companionship of other kinds. It takes just as much guts to do that as it does to be out, as long as you can maintain a sense of self-worth.

    It's also easy to see a relationship as a shortcut to banishing loneliness. Romantic relationships are a drive for some people, but they can also be an escape. I know that for me if dating is the primary way I meet other queer people, I get anxious. Trying to find some way of engaging with community, LGBT or otherwise, might alleviate some of the pressure on you to find one perfect person, and subsequently might make dating easier.
     
  3. Dave3030

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    I'd rather not become a monk...

    The other point I should've added is that mother and father know people within their social circles who have gay or lesbian children and they, particularly father, ridicule them.
     
  4. Nickw

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    Hi Dave3030

    Question. Is it possible for you to get out some? Anything, really that gets you around some other people close to you in age. These do not need to be potential love interests male or female. It is pretty difficult to understand sexual attractions unless you have non-romantic relationships also. Starting out with this don't dwell on failures if you don't make connections quickly. It is a learning process.

    If you worry too much about how others will perceive your sexuality, you may not be able come to your own understanding. Maybe you should set aside wondering and worrying about how your parents feel and determine how you really feel. You can cross the bridge with your parents when you need to.

    One thing to note is that sometimes parent's love for their children will override their personal beliefs and they will be, surprisingly, supportive.
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    Hi Dave,

    Welcome to EC :welcome: I think you've definitely posted to the right section for your situation.

    I have a few questions about what you are going through.

    • Do you live at home? If so, is this a factor in your decision to come out to your parents or not?
    • Are you being treated for depression, either with drugs or therapy? Do you think that denying your sexuality has contributed to the depression? FWIW, it did for me and coming out made my depression a lot better.
    • What are your intentions with the guy you've been chatting with? It sounds like it might make sense to meet him in person. I think it would be OK for you to meet him without telling your parents if telling them makes you feel uncomfortable.
    Based on your post, you seem like a really thoughtful guy, so I think you'll be able to find someone to date. If you continue to post on EC, we can certainly help you think things through and take the necessary steps so you don't have to accept being alone.

    Hang in there

    (&&&)
     
    #5 SiennaFire, Mar 29, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2016
  6. Dave3030

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    Hi SiennaFire,

    Thanks for your response. In answer to your questions:

    Yes, I live at home and yes it's certainly the main factor in not telling them. I can only imagine the freedom of being able to date someone before having the pressure of deciding whether to come out.

    In terms of the depression, I don't want to be on the drugs and waiting lists here for counselling are long. It certainly has contributed but there are other reasons too. I do feel coming out would help me.

    With the person I've been chatting too, I'd love to actually go on a date. I might find we don't connect in person, but how will I know otherwise? I hate 'what ifs?'
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    Hi Dave,

    Right now I'm making very tactical suggestions to help you move forward with the person you've been chatting with. Over time we'll also need to dive deeper into your parents and how to come out to them, but I don't think that blocks your meeting this person in any way.
    I think it would be helpful to separate coming out to your parents and dating someone; they are totally separate. In terms of the former, do you have any contingencies for living arrangements if you were to come out? Can you afford to move out and get your own flat? In terms of the latter, you don't need to explain your whereabouts to your parents. You can simply say that you're going out with friends or say that you are going on a date. It's none of their business if you are going out with a girl or a guy, so it's OK if you leave things ambiguous before you come out.
    If you are suffering from major or clinical depression, then it would help you a lot if you got it treated. Drugs didn't work for me until the doc realized the depression was a side effect of anxiety. Once we had this insight, drug treatment focused on the anxiety and therapy helped as well. I'm sharing this with you in hopes that you think about this from a different perspective, don't give up, and fight for an appropriate treatment regimen for you.
    I agree that going on a date soon makes sense. Go on the date and just be yourself. I think you are a nice and thoughtful person based on your posts, so hopefully this person will see the same in you. Like I said before, you don't need to explain your whereabouts to your parents in explicit detail.

    HTH
     
    #7 SiennaFire, Mar 29, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2016
  8. Calf

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    Hi Dave, I just read the thread and couldn't work out whether you live in an isolated community or if it's your depression that is causing your isolation. Do you live near a town or city? Or is it somewhere a bit more rural?
    You mentioned not using meds to treat your depression, I feel the same (though there are sometimes exceptions) and NHS waiting lists are ridiculously long but have you considered other resources available such as charity help lines?
    Have you been honest with the guy you're chatting with about your home situation? I know it doesn't feel ideal but I'm sure if you make him aware of your concerns, of coming out to your parents, he will understand and respect that.
    As for your parents, there really isn't any way to know how they will react to the truth. They are just people like all the rest of us at the end of the day and so they might disapprove or they might surprise you but you can't sacrifice your happiness to satisfy what you think they expect of you.
    I know that feeling of being lonely for the rest of your life but it's not something you have to get used to unless you really want to. You maybe can't see an end to it right now but you definitely seem to be making steps in the right direction.
     
  9. Dave3030

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    Thanks for the further responses.

    The 'isolation' is just caused by the fact that I've lost contact with friends through the years and as life goes on it seems harder to make new ones. I'm not a recluse or anything like that, I do get out but I've little family so my support network is small.

    My parents, particularly my father, are very controlling and unfortunately I have to put up with it as, being self employed, my income is low. I'd feel awkward saying I was off out on a date as they would question me and I can't be dealing with telling them it's none of their business as we'd inebitibly fall out.
     
  10. baristajedi

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    What about just saying you're meeting a friend? I feel like this is key to you doing something important for your wellbeing.
     
  11. SiennaFire

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    Here's where a therapist could help you. You need someone to challenge your "I have to" statements. You don't have to put up with controlling parents. You choose to put up with them because you feel that it's expedient to do so. You could also choose to stand up to them or choose to move out. What would happen if you go on a date and choose to stand up to them when pressed for details? The reality is that it's none of their business given that you are an adult. Do you pay rent or help around the house? Even if you don't, that doesn't give them the right to pry. I would encourage you to stand up for yourself with your parents because I think it will make you feel better and will be good preparation for coming out.

    Regarding coming out, I agree with the other posters that your parents may be more accepting when they learn that their child is gay/bisexual. Of course it's possible they could go the other way. This is the risk we all take when coming out to others, we risk rejection so that we can live authentically.

    The baristajedi has posted a great idea - just tell them you are meeting a friend.
     
    #11 SiennaFire, Mar 30, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2016
  12. Dave3030

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    It's really difficult, saying I'm meeting a friend sounds easy, but even then I know they'll be suspicious, as that's a very rare occurrence these days. In truth I'm terrified of how they'll react to things as they're such sensitive people and until I can sort that I guess I'll get nowhere.

    In some ways I feel it'd be easier to go on a date, and hopefully more than one, and just not answer their questions. I guess eventually they'll work out why and that'd be that.

    It's just so tough knowing that although it may be a decision that makes me happy, it could be the beginning of the end of my relationship with my parents.
     
  13. MS001

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    What is "push you over the edge"?

    When I was very depressed I had a very, very rough go at it. I had to get a lot of different kinds of treatment, both physiological (different meds) and psychological (therapy) in order to get through it. At the time, when I was first battling the worst part of my depression, I also drank to cope. I ended up going to AA and it was a huge support system that i relied very heavily on in order to get through what was a very dark time in my life. If you think you are abusing alcohol in order to deal with your depression, AA is an EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT resource that you can utilize right away. The people are largely wonderful and very supportive.

    The other thing I wanted to say is that you are very young. 25 is very young. And you are just starting your life! It is easy, ESPECIALLY when you are depressed, to think that the way things are now are the way that they are always going to be. But that's not true. You could choose to come out now, or in 10 years, and you would still get to live your life the way you want. There is nothing wrong with saying to yourself "I have to come out now" OR "I am not ready to come out." The only person who has to live with that repercussions of that choice is you!!! I'm not going to lie, both staying IN the closet, and coming OUT are hard in different ways. Being gay is rough, you know?

    Dating is wonderful and all, but having a good support network when you are depressed, I think, is so so so so so so so much more important. The people around you make such a huge difference in helping you get back on your emotional feet. I would really try to reach out, hospitals and psychiatric centers often have free support groups for people going through mental health issues, and connecting with other people is so critical when you feel so bad.

    (*hug*)
     
  14. Dave3030

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    Thanks for your response MS001.

    You're right that I could wait 10 years and still find happiness but it's like I said I hate 'what ifs'. I would hate the rest of this year, the whole of next year to be filled with regret for not attempting to go out on a date with this guy.

    I guess it just means a lot to me as I've waited so long to go on a date with someone, it feels so incredibly stupid saying it but just to know what it's like to hug someone would mean so much.

    Even today my father has come home and had a rant about gay people due to someone on TV. And that just takes even more confidence away from me.
     
  15. Calf

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    I agree with this, being gay/bi is challenging but it is also so rewarding in other ways. An easy life might seem appealing but I imagine it's pretty boring.

    This I agree with as well. Making friends is tough, especially if it doesn't come naturally to you, meeting new people and making conversation etc. Even more so when there is something about you (i.e. your sexuality) that you fear they will dislike or judge. Every time you meet someone though you run that risk of eventually finding something that you just don't agree on so it's just a numbers game really.
    Anyway you came to a good place to start building a support network here at EC, so make the most of this place.

    ---------- Post added 30th Mar 2016 at 09:34 PM ----------

    I know what you mean here, sometimes I can spend hours considering the 'what if's' of the most ridiculous things but you can't do anything without a 'what if'. If that's the kind of person you are then there isn't much you can do to change that but what you can do is keep yourself too busy to worry about those 'what if's'. Especially if it's spending time with others as getting an opinion from someone else really helps in those situations, whether you agree or disagree with what they think.

    My father was from a rough Leeds suburb who spent most of his youth attacking people for either race or sexuality. He made it very clear to me and my siblings that it would be totally unacceptable for us to be in a same sex or interracial relationship. Now he has a gay son and a mixed race granddaughter, his views are the complete opposite. I'm not naïve enough to believe that always happens but you never know how someone's views can change when they are challenged in such an emotive way. I still don't have a great relationship with him but it's nothing to do with my sexuality so it really wouldn't make any difference anyway.
     
    #15 Calf, Mar 30, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2016