I'm making the assumption as this is the "Later in Life" section that there are many people here that have been in long term hetero relationships and then come to question their sexuality. I've been with my partner since I was 21 years old. I've never know anything different. I first questioned my sexuality about 11 years ago. However, I'm still in my hetero relationship, I'm still not strong enough to make a break and currently am suffering from depression and having to see a therapist. And to make matters worse I left the UK and my career 13 years ago and live in a situation where I'm completely dependent on my partner. I fear that I will never have the strength or the skills to break away from this relationship and go it alone, to live and find a girl to love. I'm not exactly sure what my question is here. I suppose I'm looking for some inspiration and something to give me some hope.
Hey Tayl0r, welcome to EC! It's good that you are seeing a therapist, and I hope that he or she knows everything about you, with full disclosure of your sexuality. Have you considered working out a strategy for making that break? Is that break what you really, really want? What is your relationship with him like? There is only one strong motivator for change, and that is when you fully and completely realize the situation that you are in and when you realize that it is no longer tolerable. Change happens when any alternative seems better...which is why you need to understand where you are in all its implications, for now, and for the future. You said you are "still not strong enough"...well, that may be, but what evidence do you have for this conclusion? I'm asking because we humans often make decisions about ourselves that have no firm basis in reality, often because of fear. It goes like this: "I'm still not strong enough, therefore I can't _______ " You may be saying to yourself, I'd like to explore my lesbian life but... Here's something powerful that you can say to yourself instead: "I need to explore my lesbian side and..." You are most likely stronger than you think, you most likely have more resources at your disposal than you think, and you have much more control than you think...it all begins (and ends!) with what you think. Can you work on this aspect of things with your therapist?
You a have taken the first step by seeing a therapist You have admitted your fear- so in a way it is not as scary as it was- it is always easier to deal with something when you know what it is This is a day by day adventure-and well often it feels second by second- but it does move and progress. You came here- and now can share in other's experience as well as seek support for your own I am also 41- heading towards 42- been a marriage for 17 years struggled with my sexuality for all of my marriage. Was terrified to seek anything- but talked about it with my husband (soon to be ex) and began a journey that I sometimes still feel trapped in- cause I am not fully out- but I am glad I can admit to myself who I am That is the hope I give you -- You know who you are-- tomorrow you can deal with how you are going to deal with it--LOL
(((((Hugs))))) Glad you are here. Sounds like you are wanting to leave because of sexuality. But I'm also wondering, are you physically safe? Just trying to figure out priorities and resource options.
Thank you guys. Yes, I'm physically safe. Very well looked after in fact. However, living with this for so long has taken it's toll on my mental health I guess. My confidence levels and self esteem are very low because its so hard to believe that there is a way out. If and when I finally break away it will most definitely be because of my sexuality. As far as options and resources, unfortunately they seem very low. I wouldn't know where to start and we never married so I have no equity in the house etc. I would be in deep financial doo-dars! No job, no accommodation etc etc. Practical issues like that would be hard for anyone, to me, at this time they feel like climbing Everest.
Ay ay ay...regardless of what happens with coming out or your relationship, you are in a very precarious position. If some catastrophe struck your partner, or he woke up tomorrow and decided HE wanted out of the relationship, what would you do? In terms of establishing some financial independence or overall ability to rely on your own resources, it may seem like a huge obstacle you have to overcome, but it sounds like something you need to face no matter what.
Take at look at this regarding common-law partnerships in Spain. Given the time you have been together, you may have some rights to the splitting of joint property.
