For the first time since I can remember, I found myself in tears at work. A 37 year old man and all I wanted was my mum. A 37 year old reduced to this. ---------- Post added 31st Mar 2016 at 05:37 AM ---------- I feel like I'm grieving
I've shed those tears of grief a few times recently. Grieving my old life and circumstances; fearing the new. Seems pretty normal and necessary to me. Deep down when laid bare we are all children inside wanting love and comfort; I try not to think of it as being reduced to something less but finally feeling and finding the real honest self that reveals something greater than before. Hugs to you
There are many reasons why you might cry. Were you crying tears of joy? Were you crying tears of relief that you found your true self before it was too late? Were you crying because you are grieving the loss of your straight persona? Were you crying because you feel you are disappointing your loved ones? Ultimately you must release the hatred and shame you feel because you are gay and replace them with love and compassion. The path for this transformation is complex. You will experience a wide range of emotions as you begin to let go of your homophobia and shame and begin to accept yourself as a gay man. You will cry, you will feel surges of dark masculine energy, you will feel angry, you will feel sad, you will feel scared, and you will feel alive and free. I felt them all when I was first coming out. Keep in mind one of the quotes in my sig You've found the cave. Enter it and explore it with abandon. This is your liberation.
I've had a lot of these moments over the past months. Always in private. But deep, wracking sobs that cut to my core. More than just about gay or not gay. It felt like I was accessing really old emotional wounds from childhood, whose origins I didn't fully understand. Starting to feel pain that I'd essentially ignored for decades. In my case, I think a lot of it has to do with my early relationships with my parents, particularly my mother (paging Dr. Freud!). Just recognizing the origins of some underlying patterns in my relationships and personality, and how I've suffered by unconsciously repeating mistakes over and over again.
(*hug*) I feel ya. Had a few days like this before and during a lot of my coming out. It's much less now though. SiennaFire really nails how I felt and how it gets better.
(&&&) Hang in there. Crying is a good sign, as much as it hurts. That's the part of the process of letting go of the pain from old wounds, letting go of shame and fear.
