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Goals for Therapy?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TravelerMe, Apr 1, 2016.

  1. TravelerMe

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    Looking for advice here on goals for therapy. First session coming up.

    My background: I’m gay; have children from near college age to middle school; married to a very wonderful woman. I'm out only to a couple of close friends. Over the last 18 months I’ve realized I need to somehow shed the fake me and accept I’m gay and somehow live as the real me. I find a future in the closet, still married and riding off in the sunset as an old hetero couple very unappealing. I someday want to be with a man I love. At the same time, I’m terribly scared of changing the dynamic and upsetting everyone. But, before I come out to my wife I want to have our financial situation more stable and the prospects for that look promising to be achieved in the next 12 months or so. We’ve been through some very difficult times since 2012 and I can’t dump this on her until then.

    Your thoughts are much appreciated.
     
  2. Justasking100

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    Its tough no doubt. My mind is spinning with everything that's happened to me. I think just being honest about how you feel with your therapist will be a good start. Don't hold anything back.
    There is no right time to tell your wife I don't think, but perhaps you need to get your head around what you want first of all.

    Start with your feelings. How are you feeling? Talk to your therapist about your situation first and then how you feel. Scared, confused, angry? What emotions are going on?
     
  3. bingostring

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    Let yourself say whatever is going on and without censoring yourself - you may surprise yourself!!
     
  4. TravelerMe

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    Thanks JA100 and bingo; I'm ready and comfortable to let it all out. I'll probably babble on forever. I just want to have a few goals written and ready to make the most out of future therapy.
     
  5. baristajedi

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    I think journaling helps alot before and between therapy appointments. It helps you to articulate the feelings you have and to get them in perspective.
     
  6. brians34

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    I would say that just what you said here would be a great start. I'd just print these exact words and take them with you when you go and let your therapist help guide you from there.

    My first therapist appointment is going to be on April 11th. I don't know if he's going to be ready for me is the problem. He asked me to write 2 sentences about what I was feeling so he could be ready and have some idea of what we'll be discussing. Yeah, like that could be given in 2 sentences. :slight_smile: I wrote him more like a book. Ok, a short page, but still.

    Anyway, what the others have said, just be yourself, say what's on your mind, hold nothing back, be very honest and truthful.

    Chip, one of the Mods here, suggested some Brene Brown youtube videos for me to watch and they are helpful. They speak of how vulnerability and shame molds us. I have watched them and they were very helpful. Might I suggest them to you also?

    This is what Chip wrote me:

    "Brian, if you haven't, I'd suggest that both you and your wife (together or separate) take some time and watch Brené Brown's TED talks. They're about 18 minutes each, so under an hour for all three. Dr. Brown's work is focused on connection, authenticity, intimacy, and shame and self-esteem. Most people find her work really transformational in understanding themselves and how to relate to each other.

    The three TED talks are called (and I'd watch in this order)

    The Power of Vulnerability
    The Price of Invulnerability
    Listening to Shame "
     
  7. Katchoo

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    Brene Brown is a social work goddess!!!! Yaaasss!!!!
     
  8. SWburbchgo

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    My coming out to my wife was not well thought out and rather nuclear. I didn't really have a plan and it was rough. I had met someone and moved in with him the same day. It was devastating to my wife. It was very selfish looking back. It has been about 15 months and things are much better, we talk, we laugh and she still cries. She will always care for me and I for her. If I had to do it all over I would have taken the time to put together a plan financial and otherwise. Regardless, I am happy, content and looking forward to the future. I was 53 when all this went down and my kids are doing ok ( they are young adults 22 and 25). But my plan would have focus on the financials as you mention in your post. I had nothing and charged everything! Big mistake. Me and my guy are still together and I am very happy.
     
    #8 SWburbchgo, Apr 1, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2016
  9. brians34

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    This is where I am right now SW. I can't think about doing anything or going anywhere until I'm sure all the financial things are in order.

    I would love to just bolt out the front door and find my dream person and have a wonderful life, peaches and cream, but life has to come first.
     
  10. TravelerMe

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    Watching the Brene Brown videos. Very insightful; I think this kind of "homework" before therapy is important. I want to show up with as much understanding of where I am as I can.
    Thanks!
     
    #10 TravelerMe, Apr 2, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2016
  11. Chip

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    Glad Brené's work is helpful! She's done an amazing job of pulling together the work of a bunch of different people and weaving it together through the lens of connection, vulnerability, and authenticity.

    As far as goals for therapy... I would say what you've written in your first post is a great jumping-off point for starting therapy. You may want to mention Brené's work and find out if your therapist is familiar with it. I'm honestly of the opinion that, for LGBT people, a deep understanding of shame resilience (the clinical name for Brené's work) is so core to successful and useful therapy that I think it's pretty much a necessity for any therapist to have, but unfortunately, not a lot of therapists are fluent in that work.

    Feel free to keep us informed about how therapy goes for you. It often takes several weeks to get a feel for whether there's a real connection between you and your therapist, and it also often takes a few tries to find the right therapist... there are a lot of crappy ones out there... so go in with an open mind, but also keep in the back of your mind that this work is very individual and it's important you find someone you "click" with.