What You Really Really Want by Jaclyn Friedman

My book came in the mail today! I hard about What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guilde to Sex and Safety by Jaclyn Friedman on a feminist podcast, and I ordered it used. (I don't remember which podcast. Probably Bitch Media or Stuff Mom Never Told You.) The book says it's about helping women develop a "shame-free, blame-free, fear-free sexuality." Sounds like what I need! I have not yet read enough to know if it would also be helpful for men.

It's a book that is meant for you to read a chapter, then chew on it and do the exercises/activities for a week or two before moving on to the next chapter, so, I thought I would make a thread so that anyone else who might want to read the book could post and share, and even if you don't read the book, you can give feedback.

One of the things the first chapter said was to write every day for at least 10 minutes as you read the book. Write about anything. I'll be doing that on my home thread and here.

I haven't flipped ahead in the book, so I don't know what's coming. If something makes me feel icky to share in this semi-public space, I won't.

Should be fun.

---------- Post added 1st Apr 2016 at 04:00 PM ----------

Another thing in the first chapter of the book is that it asks you to make sure you are spending at least 30 min per week doing something that feels good in your body and does not cause any negative feelings. (So, not good but guilty, good but afraid, etc. Just good.)

The writing prompt says:

Ok, so what are some more Just Good things that I like or that I would like to try.....

-Relaxing on my new (used) patio furniture
-Epsom salts bath
-Yoga/stretching/breathing
-Hug baby goats at my boss's farm
-Hug horses, grown goats, etc, etc, etc. at my boss's farm
-Stretching/playing on the vaulting barrel at my boss's farm
-Snuggle with a beach towel. I am a sucker for towels. Ooh! Towel from the dryer!
-Mindfully eat some tastey cookies or something?
-Knead bread dough. (....Do I like this because bread dough and boobs have a similar texture? Haha)
-Self lymphatic massage
-Play with clay, play doh, etc
-Lay down under a weighted blanket
-Mindfully drink boba tea.

What ideas do y'all have?

 

Still in chapter 1. P 23.

The book was just talking about how this is hard work, and later on, we might want to give up. So, making a pep talk for Future Self.

The writing prompt says:

So, in my first therapy session with my new therapist, about a month ago, she asked me about my goals for therapy, after we had talked about my presenting issues, like shifting religion and reevaluating my sexuality. I told her that I wanted to figure out what I want. How out do I want to be? When and to whom? Do I want to date? How do I do that? I didn't say at the time, but I have a lot more questions, too. How do I want to approach sex with dating? What's important to me in a partner? How do I want to present myself in public? How do I do this without crumbling under anxiety or developing ulcers? How do I want to present myself to my clients? How do I want to talk about sexuality with my clients, especially girls approaching puberty? .... .... .... So, my goal for therapy is to find out, to feel confident and good about, what I want, religiously, sexually, relationally, romantically. I think that figuring out what I want, saying it and accepting it about myself, is kind of what coming out to myself is. What a perfect time to find a book about What I Really Really Want. So, this is like the opposite of a fork in the road. Lots of different paths are merging together right here, and I can't give up, not if I want to be true to myself. I, "Katchoo," am making a promise to myself: I won't quit this process. I'm starting it for a reason, and I'll see it through to the end. Because I matter to myself. My desires matter, my pleasure matters, and my safety matters. What I really really want matters. This process is a gift to myself, and I promise to accept it.

 

I would be super stoked if anyone else wanted to look at this book, too. I got it pretty cheap used, and I'm sure there is an electronic version.

 

So, yay, my friend got really excited when I told her I was reading this book, and she's going to read it with me! Yay, book club with my friend! She's bi and has helped a lot of people with their coming out process, so she's been pretty awesome to me.

Also, I found the podcast episode where I heard about the book..... Popaganda | Pocket Casts

 

Chapter one. Page 27.

The book is talking about how we all have influences with how we view sex, and it's good to reflect on and understand those, though no one can, like, erase their influence. It's just helpful to acknowledge what those influences were....

Writing prompt in the book:

Haha, warning, going to admit embarrassing things.

When it comes to sex and sexuality, my family.... doesn't talk about it, mostly. Strange little clues about my parents' sex lives, like mom telling me what body hair to groom or not groom, dad not clearing his internet history, mom (when I was an adult) over-sharing about what dad was withholding when they were fighting, etc. But, yeah, they had trouble even talking to me about my boyfriends and the fact that they existed without looking painfully nervous, so there wasn't really any talk about sex, etc. For a long time, I thought "the talk" referred to mom telling me, nervously, in my bedroom in the dark except for the bathroom light across the hall, that periods existed and how they worked. I think she didn't want to have to look at each other while we talked about periods? So how the hell would we talk about sex? ... Yeah, this was probably reinforced by the annual "sex ed" class at school was basically just puberty education from the health department lady.

My family's attitudes about sexuality have been influced by.... The Southern Baptist Convention. Sunday school. Other people not talking about sex. Pastors talking on a Sunday morning about how True Love Waits.

Something my family taught me about sexuality that I agree with is.... Um.... Uh..... Um.... I found some lube in their night stand? It taught me that lube is a good idea? .... .... ... And, um... Periods?

Something my family taught me about sexuality that I disagree with is.... Bwahaha. I mean, as mentioned, calling it "teaching" is a stretch. But, I disagree about a lot of things. Shame. Quit trying to give me that. Don't give kids stuff material about sex that makes it sound like sex will kill you. Don't give kids material that shames them for masturbating. Don't tell us that anything other than straight, married, vanilla sex is wrong. Don't put all the responsibility on girls to keep things chaste, implying that all men are raping rapists, telling the girls that they need to have boundaires like the hoover dam, but somehow on their wedding night it will all gently, magically melt away, and sex and trust with their until 4 hours ago raping rapist boyfriend will bloom and sparkle. ... .... .... Maybe I have the feels about that. The cynical feels.

Something my family taught me about sexuality that I'm confused or unsure about is.... Um.... How the hell do I feel now? Am I mostly gay because church culture basically squished most of the dude attraction that I otherwise would have? ... ... ... I don't know. I'm confused about what I know, what I like, what I want, what the hell happened.

When I disagree with my family about sexuality they... don't know about it.... .... Have I mentioned that my family and I don't talk about this? I imagine that if I came out to them they would not have categories in their brain for any views other than their own, and they would be confused. Dad would probably be quiet. Mom would be simultaneously trying to be progressive ("It's ok if you're.... a gay...") and also trying to get me to tell her that this does not mean she failed as a mother. Cuz, right. My coming out is all about you.... Feels.

Um.... Yeah. Good enough for now.

 

I lost my book somewhere, as well as the volume of Strangers in Paradise I'm currently working on. Probably in my car. Gotta clean out my car.