For the millionth time my life has brought me back to "that place" where I question the life I've been living... relationships, engagements, a marriage and two teenage daughters all with men, but sex with women in between those relationships. Sometimes with friends, sometimes random hookups I pursued. Despite that I labeled myself as straight, not even bi for all these years, just sexually open. I'm 36, divorced for years, and recently broke an engagement with a man that was very abusive physically and have been going through intensive therapy 4 days a week. Its been this therapy that has brought this to the forefront of my mind again, just another of so many feelings, thoughts, and experiences I've locked away in myself to keep safe over the years. This was just one of many awful relationships I've had (all with men) and there's so much to work through. Now my mind seems to be forcing me to deal with the fact that I've been in denial my whole life about being gay. I prefer women, I don't really like guys that much and I don't know why I keep having sex and/or relationships with them. If I had the balls I'd be out and proud as a lesbian. Its what I am, I've secretly felt this way since I was 12 or so but couldn't believe that that could really be me. Lesbians were too cool, to confidant, too everything I felt I wasn't, I couldn't possibly be one. That sounds silly now but it's how I felt in a way. I've never admitted that I'm a lesian even to myself until this week but I am and I am going to try and come to terms with that now. Even if this isn't the right time or place in my life to come out I have to stop lying to myself, I can't let me slip back into that "easier" route of denial and dick. Its not what I really want. It might make me feel better for a while but I never end up happy, always like there's something missing and I end up so lost from the person I started as.
Congratulations! Coming out to yourself is the first, and most important step. I remember when I came out to myself how everything clicked and made so much more sense. A weight was lifted. You don't have to come out to others right away. But based on what you've written, I think you are a lesbian, and I hope you take pride and embrace it. You'll figure out the other steps as you go. I'm sorry you've had some bad relationships, I hope that is all in the past for you.
I feel for you, i really do. This study shows that bisexual women are TWICE as likely to be abused or raped as other women. Bisexual Women Twice As Likely To Be Abused And/Or Raped, Study Says | Thought Catalog Maybe because we don't want to be gay, we try to be normal... so we find a guy who is dominant and will keep us in line. But we're still bi or gay, and so now we women pile an abusive relationship on top of keeping ourself in the closet. Talk about self-defeating! I hope you read all you can and educate yourself. There are many women out there with your experiences with relationship, sad to say.
