OK, so I've now managed to reach a few conclusions with my life and what I am going to do. As some of you may know I'm a gay guy in his late forties who has been married for nearly 20 years to a women, who is still (just about) my best friend. Home has been difficult due to my disabled daughter & I have been very depressed, with both therapy & anti-depressants needed to aid my recovery. I've had the 'I'm gay' chat with my wife which she would not accept as she had always known I was bisexual but had not acted upon it since we were married. But over the last few days I've had an epiphany - we only get one life and I cannot carry on making myself & my wife miserable to maintain some facade of 'normality' to the world. Thanks to other's advice on EC - I let myself be 'gay' internally for a week & have had never felt better and more whole. i.e. I have accepted myself as a gay man after over 30 years!! I have agreed with my wife that we will seek permanent residential care for my daughter and I have decided to move out and rent my own apartment nearby so I can still be there for the family. God knows how the finances will work out but I'll put that to the back burner for now.... I'm going on a couple of dates with men in the next week and although I don't intend to seek anything serious for now, I feel alive for the first time in a decade. This will probably all end in an armageddon but you never know & at least I feel I'm finally doing something rather than slowly drowning in the misery of my former life.
Hey ML, It is so important to know and name how you feel! I hesitate to say congratulations, given the obvious challenges ahead, but dammit, this is a significant step toward a more authentic life, for all of you! Do not hesitate to seek support, on this path to redemption, all three of you will need all the help you can get!
I wish you a very happy life ML. I'm hoping to get to a point to where I can claim that freedom also.
It seems to me that you have come "alive" and good for you. You seem realistic enough to know that it will not be easy but I can assure you that everything in time will work it self out. There will be ups and downs and guilt and other feelings that maybe you didn't even know that you had. What's important is that you will get through it and you will be stronger and more confident in who you are and what you want. Have a wonderful weekend.
hi ML I am glad that you have been brave enough to come out to your wife, I know exactly how you feel I felt the same way when I got separated from my exwife, I felt free like I can be myself. but like you my exwife till this day cannot and will probably will not accept me, she hates me and has even turned my3 kids against me. I wish you all the luck in the world especially since your daughter will need you. Keep us posted on your journey.
MLA Since the first post of yours I have felt both you, and your wife, have been carrying such a burden with taking care of your daughter. It has to have been so difficult and your needs have been so far down the list of priorities. No one can flourish in that situation. You, your wife, or the other children. I am happy that you see a direction to work towards and all of you can really start living your lives. I hope your daughter does O.K. Sometimes the change of environment and stimulation can be better. Best.
I am thrilled that you have a plan to move forward with finding appropriate long term care for your daughter. Once a care situation is located, it should be a huge burden lifted. In the states, it can take a while to find the right fit for a disabled child and then there may be a waitlist for a space. I would presume that you can't move out, until your daughter is settled. (Again, I think a residential program is the solution.) I am not trying to rain on your parade, but why start dating while you are still married and in the same house as your wife? I understand (and can relate to) your desire to move on and outward, but don't you think this may be a bit of salt in the wound to your spouse. It could make what sounds like an amicable situation go south very quickly.
There's going to be plenty of rain yet on this parade.... I'm moving out before my daughter gets her residential placement - although this should happen within 2-3 months (and will be expedited because of the marriage breakdown). Regrettably, I simply cannot carry on working a very responsible professional job (more than 70 hours/ week) and being a 50% carer & carrying the burden of my sexuality which my wife will not accept. It may seem very cruel, but I do not think my wife will accept either my sexuality or that our marriage is over without me demonstrating that I am moving on. I've had multiple conversations with her and whilst I understand her need for us to stay together to share our daughter's care I do not believe it is because my wife still wants me. I have no illusions that this split will in any way be amicable and my wife has already threatened that will be the case when I said I was thinking of leaving. Ultimately, I have reached breaking point and the choice is either further physical & mental illness or self-preservation and with a heavy heart I am going to choose the latter....
Congratulations on the self realization. I'm 36 and after much thought this week have decided to come out to myself, finally today being able to say I'm a lesbian in my head on here in EC. I feel good about it and am smiling more than usual, even a little peaceful once I remember to remind myself it's ok now. Next week I'm pretty set on talking to my therapist about my feelings. Good luck with all your family challenges ahead, I'm sure you'll make it through just fine!
