Epiphany

OK this is long but felt I needed to share. I have changed the names of everyone involved to protect the innocent and the not so innocent. :lol: Not sure if this will help anyone but you never know.

My epiphany moment coming out gay made me really think about the past and why did it take so long to get to this point in my life. I have known and struggled with being gay since I was about 11, probably before that if I think hard enough. I fought the feelings and stuffed them deep inside. I was taught it was wrong. I played baseball growing up, little league, then Jr High and High School, and always caught glimpses of my teammates in the locker room. But it was my first time that I was actually with my best friend & teammate that comes to mind. My first time was with Kirby, who I have known since 1st grade, who was also my neighbor and teammate at the age of 13. If he was around I was close by, or vice versa. Every weekend he was at my house or me at his. We were almost like brothers, is what a lot of people would say. It was Kirby's 13th birthday and he had a sleepover with me and 3 other teammates. We played games, watched movies and tried to see who could stay up the latest just like all teens do. Well it ended up being me and him at 3am in the basement of his house. We started out just show me yours I’ll show you mine thing, hell I have seen his so many times in the locker room. Then we both started jacking off looking at each other in the eyes, he reached for mine first and it was like something inside me we off, in a good way. It was like I was on another planet, it felt so right, but my mind told me it wasn’t. But, I did the same to him. We ended up giving each other blow jobs, on a dare. He was also the first guy I kissed, after several months of mutual jacking off and blow-jobs. The kissing turned more passionate over the months and then years. Over the years it did repeat itself many times over the next three years until his dad was transferred to another state. He now lives in Iowa with his wife and kids. I tried to dated girls in Jr high and high school but it never felt right inside. I was not attracted to them sexually, it was what society required of me, or so I thought. I had a few encounters with guys in high school until we moved to the south. Growing up in a home that church was a requirement made me feel I was the one wrong for having these feelings. So I still stuffed them deep, but still meeting up with friends in the city.
Then moving from the north to the south during my Jr year in high school, I thought that maybe this was the change I needed, but it wasn't, so the feelings came back and I stuffed them again. Never met anyone once we moved here, that I knew for sure was gay. So I kept to myself, keeping my feelings hidden deep. I did try out for the baseball team and made it. Met some cool guys, but none gave me the feeling that they would be gay, so I just stuffed. After high school I did have a few encounters with other guys but nothing panned out. I could not come to the fact I was gay, I was taught it was wrong, and with all the stuffing of feelings and emotions, I feel I became homophobic internally. Ended up meeting a girl and dated her and ended up marrying her. Bobbie was here for the wedding and asked me was I 100% sure. I grew up with Bobbie in Chicago, she would be called my ride or die today. We talked about everything, except my attraction to guys. Back to the wedding, this was to be a happy day, but deep inside it was not really, something didn’t feel right. Bobbie told me just about a year ago she knew I was gay before I did. After a year into the marriage the feelings started again and I started acting on them. Going to parks and public RR'S. Met several guys I wish I could have gotten to know better, develop some kind of friendship. Gosh why was I in this mess.
So back to the parks and RR'S. During this time, we had two children, maybe this was when the feelings would stop, and nope that didn't happen. Still anonymous, empty hookups, then I had an anonymous hookup with a guy named Jesse in the summer of 2004. (The wet floor experience). It turned into more than anonymous, we kind of became friends or in my mind it was that. He was cool, open and honest about things if I asked. He also knew I was married, I guess he didn’t seem to mind. He asked me a few times why don’t you leave your wife and come out as gay. Scared the crap out of me the first time he asked me that, I mean he was the first person to ask me this. I mean I was still struggling with this myself, I could not even say I am gay. So I came up with a go to line, I need to line my ducks up before I could do that. When in fact I should have said I don’t know how to do that. He was out as gay, and just moved into an apartment. He was the real deal. We had a few friends in common from my time working at the hospital. We also hooked up many times, then he was in a relationship with someone else, which I totally understood. I mean gosh I was married he was not, I really didn’t except anything more from him. Jesse made me feel that I belonged, he was fun to be around, he could make me smile, and he really showed me I could be accepted for being gay, not by telling me but through his actions, even though I was not even out as gay to myself. I have to say this may have been the point I really started to think about I may in fact be gay, but mentally I don’t think I was prepared for it. So I kept myself busy with anonymous hook-ups, and life in general.
I met Arrice (The Fellow Co Worker Experience 2005) he was the first black man I was with, but he was not a normal black man. We worked together and started hanging out. The only thing was he was also married. He told me he was bisexual which made me start thinking maybe I was too. Wait, Wow, new feelings from this encounter. I was still doing the anonymous hookups when Arrice could not meet, during this time me and Jesse would still hang out at the park or his place, he knew about Arrice, we never really discussed him in detail. Arrice ended up moving out of state because of work after almost 2 years of hooking up with him, I don’t think I could call this one a relationship, because we never really formed a deep bond, looking back I think it was more of a safety net situation. Him moving didn’t affect me like when Kirby moved. Never seen him again, just a message every month or so. Arrice made me start questioning if I could be bisexual, but it didn’t feel right in my mind, gay seemed to fit more, even though I still would not say I was a gay man.
Still seeing Jesse at the park every so often, we would hang out and cruise guys together or talk about who hooked up with who and how nasty that one was and even oh no not him its small. His relationship ended don't know why. Didn't ask about it, maybe I should have. Ended up going to a gay club here with him a few times, again I felt like I belonged, met several of his friend's over this time, again it made me feel at home, no guards up, no acting. The real me was able to come through, I missed the real me when I had to put it back in the closet. Then one night we almost got arrested, it was me, him and two other guys getting it on at the park. A few months after that encounter I started falling in love with him and ran like hell, this scared me even more. Never seen or talked with him again, which was totally my choice at that time. Looking back on it now, it may have been the wrong choice. But I did look for him hoping I could find him. I was not gay to myself at that time and didn't know how to handle this emotion that I was feeling for him, seen him once at his job (retail), but he was working. I did go back at different times but didn’t see him, but I do have light bulbs to last me the rest of my life. I stuffed the feelings again this time deeper than before and it started eating at me, almost like a hunger pain. Eating at me to the point I gained weight and almost felt depressed. The whole time Lisa never knew. I still kept the front up, the happily, str8 married man with kids, but that was not the truth. This was also the time I think my mom knew something was going on, she always asked are you ok, you don’t seem like yourself. I would tell her I’m tired or didn’t feel well, when in fact I had a storm going on inside me.
Then, Jeff (The Trigger Crush), I met Jeff at a park in the spring of 2010, he was an intern at a local university. He was 36 and at the time I was 38. We started hanging out, and things started to grow between us. I would meet him about three to four times a week for our encounter sometimes we would just hangout other times it went much deeper. I guess he was really the first person I had a form of a same sex relationship with, if you could call it that. Up to this point I didn't consider myself as gay or even label myself that, I enjoyed being around him and spending time with him, he knew I was married but didn't care. But he was also the first guy to say the “L” word to me romantically. However I could not bring myself to tell him, I loved him. When in fact I did deep inside, he gave me butterflies when we were together. This was much deeper than what I even felt for Jesse when I ran away. But the love for Jeff grew over time, I guess with Jesse I ran before it started growing. He would text me throughout the day telling me he loved me, and other things. We had several things in common, love of good music, food and video games. Then the summer of 2012 Jeff moved back home to New York and never seen or heard from him again. Looking back I can say Jeff was my trigger crush, I really did love him but knew it would never happen because of the struggle I was going through personally. Jeff made me feel good about me, who I was as a person regardless of my inner struggle. Even though emotions were out of control on the inside, I maintained them and held them at bay when he was not around. He really started making me think, yes I am gay. This was something I needed to wrap my mind around, but this time it felt different, it was like a puzzle piece was now in the right place, like it was one that fell in the floor and finally found. When he told me he was moving back to NY I felt empty to say the least. His last 3 days here I spent it with him, when everyone really thought I was in Tennessee visiting family. The hurt of him leaving was very deep, looking back I wish I told him I loved him for bringing out of me what I really was and being able to accept me for me. Being in this so called relationship, really made me happy, he made me laugh, made me love life for what it is, just being around him made me smile, and quiver on the inside. He could just look at me and make me smile. If he showed up today, I’m sure now I would most diffidently go down that road, and have a better idea of how to handle it. But when he left, I vowed at this point in my life to never get this involved or fall in love with anyone ever again, never say never.
Then on my birthday, January 17th 2013, the feelings started again, but stronger. I started looking on Craigslist, and a few other sites. Having empty anonymous hookups with several guys some repeats. Then the summer of 2014 I came to the realization I was in fact a gay man in a str8 marriage and needed to fix this problem. I honestly can say that Jeff is the one that brought me to this point in my life. Yes, I know the real me was inside screaming to come out. I mean me and Lisa have not been in the same bed together in over 4 years. This was the first time I could say I am a gay man in my own voice, to myself looking in the mirror, but with no one around to hear. I guess this made me feel safe. Every day I would look at myself in the mirror and say, “I am a gay man”, which I became more comfortable with recognizing myself as a gay man, I started talking to a good friend (Bobbie) I grew up with in Chicago and ended up telling her I am gay in July 2015. I asked her to be my support person, because I was going to start coming out, just wish she lived closer. This is when she told me she knew when we were in HS that I was gay. Damn girl let me know would ya. Life would have been so much easier. She told me I needed to find someone here to also be a support person that I fully trusted. No one came to mind at that time. Still hooking up with a few guys also married others not, still unfilled and some nameless. Overtime I started looking into other ways of meeting guys. Downloaded apps and hook-up sites some good others just I deleted after getting them. Then on one app I downloaded Jesse was there. Why was he popping back up? I didn't message him for several weeks. Then thought what the hell, he was cool with me, I was the one that ran, even though he never knew that. So I reached out to him and he responded the next day. He did remember me, with the nick name he gave me road whore. Not really sure why he picked that one, but oh well. It was like we picked up where we left off. We talked and ended up hooking up, it was just as I remembered it total ecstasy. Well for me it was, it's like he knew what buttons to push on me. We have chatted via text a few times and met a few more times. Talked via phone, I did tell him the reason I stopped coming around was because I had indeed started falling in love with him, and I did not know how to deal with that at that time of my life. But he told me everything happens for a reason, and things happen when they are meant to happen. Very true words of wisdom. In the end I asked him to be a support person for me as well when I started the journey of coming out gay publicly. He agreed to do it. I really feel I can trust him, he is honest with me when I asked question. I called Bobbie and let her know I have found someone local to also be my support person.
Now I had two people I fully trusted and knew I could talk to, then I started realizing I needed to be happy and started making plans to come out as gay. I could no longer hold these feelings inside. I also came to the realization that just because you’re gay does not mean you have sex every day there is more to it, it goes much deeper. I started my coming out journey with my dad via phone call, this took several weeks for me to do it. Every time I would call him, I would not tell him. Then I made a plan that I was going to tell him I was gay by the end of the week, yes I wanted till the last day of the week. Looking back I may have done it different, I would have went and seen him, I asked him “Do you love me no matter what?” sounded like I was telling him I have some kind of disease. He told me “Yes son, I love you regardless”. But after telling him there was dead silence on the phone, which put me on edge, I heard him take a deep breath then he responded “Timmy, I love you regardless, you’re my son and telling me this does not change that love”. I know when he calls me Timmy he’s serious, him and Bobbie are the only ones that called me that. I can count on my hands and feet the number of times he told me he loves me but he always said I’m proud of you. I balled after that conversation. My dad is not one to freely say I love you unless he means it, he's old school and had a rough life growing up. This coming out went well, it felt right, freeing, and liberating. But this was over the phone, I can’t come out over the phone to everyone. Then this past weekend (on February 27th) I told my mom and brother, I was scared about this one since it was my first face to face coming out. I let Bobbie and Jesse know it was going to happening regardless. We went to eat breakfast, and I could not do it in a restaurant plus my brother’s fiancé was there. So I told mom on the ride home, turned out well, thought I was going to have to drive, but she handled it well. She texted me off and on the rest of the day making sure I was ok. Told my brother to call me when he could I needed to tell him something. He did and I told him, he said "you’re still my little bro and I love you". He told me people were going to except or reject me for coming out gay, the ones that reject you were never really there for you to beginning with and the excepting one are your true friends. That stuck with me, and it is something I tell myself everyday now. I have to say Bobbie and Jesse where right there for me. I truly think I picked the best two people to support me. Even though I may be a pain in the ass at times, but there is no manual 10 steps to coming out gay.
So my epiphany is that regardless of the person’s reaction there are people that still love me for who I am regardless of me being gay, and everything happens for a reason, and things happen when they are meant to happen. The biggest epiphany I have learned during this process that I have learned is that there is no major difference between myself and a str8 man, I live my life the same way except for who and how I express my love for someone, which in my case is the same gender. I drink my coffee, dress, talk, and walk the same way, I am still the same person. I don’t understand why it has taken this long for me to come to the realization that I am gay. I think it may have been the people put in my path to bring me to this point, gosh were where they years ago. But as my mom said you now have the boys (my 2 sons), which is a good thing. YES IT IS. I honestly feel that the fear of others reaction was what has kept me from excepting myself as gay and coming out as gay plus what has been put in my head by the church and society. Almost like being homophobic, which I wasn’t or so I thought I wasn’t, I really think it was an internal homophobia that was preventing me to fully except myself as gay. I know this is a starting journey and the ship has just started sailing, the dock the boat left has been destroyed and it cannot return. In other words the toothpaste has been squeezed out and it cannot be put back in. I am in fact a gay man. I need to come clean to the ones closes to me. My wife will be the next one to know followed by my boys. I know when that happens, I will probably bust hell wide open that day. I also know that once I take this last step. I will have to step down from leadership at the church and leave, which I am totally fine with (this has already happen), but I will not go through the bible bashing Dustin went through, because I may just bible bash back. One day maybe the church itself will understand that being gay is not sending people to hell, but the people in the church condemning them for their life and the way they love. When in fact they should love us as humans. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love, according to the bible.


I really hope this is able to help someone else that is in the same situation like I was and am. :smilewave

 

Rachael1954, thanks yeah there are many of us in this boat, some has sailed out more than others. I seen the toothpaste metaphor somewhere, and felt it fit my situation. My trigger crush really did turn things around for me, I do miss him still to this day. I did find him on Facebook a few days ago, he is currently in a relationship with someone, so I just left it alone I don't want to rock that boat right now.

 

Herewego, thanks it was raw emotions when I wrote it, one person that is my support asked me to do it. I was told it would help me and it did, but after reading it I decided it may also help someone else. I feel the support system has helped me the most through this.

 

Thanks Mr. B that means a lot to me.