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I'm Angry

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Grace66, Apr 2, 2016.

  1. Grace66

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    I'm angry, I guess that's the best way to explain what I'm feeling right now. I'm angry that I'm gay. I'm angry that I had to figure it out when I was 39, married, with a kid. I'm angry that this is happening to me. Why is this happening to me??

    I came out to myself and my husband in July of 2014, we tried for a while and I moved out last September. The divorce is almost final. (There will be more details in my coming out story, which is still a work in progress) During last summer and fall I was dating a woman, which helped me to hide from my feelings. I just got caught up in that and didn't work out how ending my marriage was really going to affect me. Now almost 7 months after moving out, no longer with the woman, no longer drinking, no longer hiding. I am finally actually having to deal with the end of my marriage. Having to grieve what I lost. And I am angry. I miss my kid when I don't have him (50/50 custody split). I miss my best friend. I miss my life. I miss my future. I'm not happy.

    I'm just angry. I want to take it all back. Is my eventual, mythical, sometime in the future happiness worth losing everything else?
     
  2. Justasking100

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    I know exactly how you feel. It's fucking horrendous
     
  3. oneblackeye

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    It's definitely a shitty situation. My story is almost identical but about a year further down the line. I still have days of feeling soo lonely. This was definitely not the version of life I signed up for.

    What gets me through? I ask myself, could I go back? The answer is, surprisingly, always no. Having to hide my real feelings all the time, pretending to enjoy sex. It's the reasons I came out that make me realise it was the right thing to do.

    I'm hopeful that the future happiness - While it is going to look vastly different from what I imagined, it's going to feel every bit as good, if not better.

    These are just my thoughts. I found seeing a therapist and having friends I could openly talk about everything most beneficial.
     
  4. Michael

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    First, I'm sorry about your situation with the kids. I have seen such situations, I know how demoralizing can become at times.

    You acted guided by the data you had back then, and now you need to start building a new life, which is something you are not used to do, and to become comfortable with new circumstances.

    The way you describe that eventual, mythical, sometime in the future happiness proves you feel like you've failed already some kind of test. There was no final test, just another step on your way. Things didn't worked out the way you expected, shit happens to everyone of us... Or not shit, depending how you want to see it, 'cause it is a chance to learn, and after coming from that 'safe' marriage with kids, you probably forgot (or didn't had the chance to learn, depending on how young you married) skills you need right now. So it's time to learn them...

    Why are you so hard on yourself? The angrier you are with yourself, the less chance you have to move forward. Anger can serve your purposes when it's focused, it's a chance you've got now!
     
    #4 Michael, Apr 3, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2016
  5. OutofZCloset

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    I feel for you. I went through your exact situation although I did it 21 years ago. The feelings you are processing are normal. You feel like your life is in such turmoil you almost wish you could take it all back and make it like it never happened. But the thing is you can't. There is no going back. You just need to make a new path going forward. All I can say is....It does get better. Once everything settles down you will begin to feel normal again. You will eventually find love again. You do have some difficult times ahead, but you also have some exciting ones ahead as well. It does get better. My wife and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary together. We have a beautiful 13 year old daughter together. You will get what you envision but it's not going to happen overnight or without struggle. Just hang in there.
     
  6. Grace66

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    Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your insight and encouragement. One day at a time.