Married and Closeted

Hi Bazinga, welcome to EC. Big big hugs. (*hug*)

We're all fumbling through this. I'm still trying to figure out how to move forward, not sure yet what to do about my marriage. There are some people on here who've made it through to the other side who might have better insight. But from me at least, I just wanted to say, you're not alone.(&&&)

 

Welcome to EC!

Most of us here have been right where you are at one time or another. I lived as a closeted gay man for my entire life until 2 years ago, when the folks on this site helped me find the courage to face my fears. I was married twice, and am currently separated from my wife of almost 30 years, with our divorce being finalized in the next couple of months.

I too love my wife--I always have. She remains the best thing that's happened in my life. But eventually, and far later than you, I also realized that I couldn't take it anymore. I had few friends, because there was no one I could actually be "myself" with.

I've known I was gay since I was 12, and suppressed/repressed my feelings for 57 years. I can tell you that it doesn't get any easier with time. But what I know now is that, even though my wife and I are trying this late in life to make new lives for ourselves, coming out of the closet was the best thing I could have done for both of us. She knew something was terribly wrong in our relationship; as I grew more emotionally unavailable, she became more unhappy and depressed. Something had to change, and I couldn't wish or pray away my sexuality. At long last, I had to live an authentic life, with integrity. The feeling was so strong that I thought I might die if I didn't, at long last, come clean.

You sound a lot like me, but you have a 40-year lead on me.

This may not help much, but you're just 28, and I assume your wife is close to your age. You don't say whether you have children... But in any case, you're not starting your life over; you're just changing its direction. You'll carry all your life experience forward with you, and it will all contribute to the person you become. The same is true for your wife.

I went through a very rough first year, separating physically from my wife after the first 6 months. I didn't know whether she'd survive (literally), and I was fairly sure I would live the rest of my life alone. But now, at the end of my second year as an out gay man on the verge of divorce, my wife and I are still in each other's lives, best friends again in a more open and honest way, and my 60-year-old boyfriend just moved in with me.

Have you considered getting some counseling to help you through the bad times? Do you have a potentially supportive network of friends and workmates to talk to? Does your wife? All important things to seek out. You don't say where you live, but some cities have support groups you might try out--DC has GAMMA, and Seattle has GFAS--that are specifically for gay and bisexual men in relationships with women.

In the end, though, you'll probably have to rip off the bandaid. I just kept telling my wife that I wanted to be there for her in whatever way she'd allow, and that it would be her decision. And we talked a lot about what kept me in the closet for so long...

If you'd like to chat more, you can post on my wall, or just chat in this thread. I wish you well. You've found a great community here!

 

hi Bazinga, great username!

I am not in your particular situation but it is remarkable that you are questioning yourself and facing your truth. Disclosing yourself to your wife (if you do it) is not going to be easy, but an upside is that you guys are young. if you feel that starting over is hard, imagine doing it 10 or 20 years down the road, when you cant hide anymore because of the need of being who you are.

Good luck in your journey.

 

Bazinga I'm going through what you are but a few years older and a few kids later. You can't blame yourself or regret the past. What's done is done; take care of the present.
When I move on I'll cherish the years with my wife and look at them with fondness. Hopefully see this as an opportunity to find the authentic you while you are still young.

I have come out to a couple of close friends and it really helps be able to talk freely and openly; it's nice if you can find someone to talk with so you can be the real you for a while.

 

Moreover my point is this is not your fault. Its not our wives' fault either; of course they don't deserve it but neither do we. I hate using the term "victim" as it mitigates our own responsibility but it is true we are products of society and culture which led us into the closet. Just take time with this; even though I new deep down my whole life I was gay I've only really accepted it and came out to myself very recently. A few months ago I began saying "I'm gay" to myself when alone in the car or wherever; quite exhilarating!
You're entering a bit of a marathon not a 50yd dash.

I encourage you to explore threads in this Later in Life forum as their are many great stories and helpful posts here and people that can put things into perspective with much more ability than myself. This is a great place to find help, support and acceptance.

 

For me I've been able to recently distinguish a difference between guilt and shame. Feeling guilt isn't always a bad thing it means we have a conscience and feel to do good for others and we have to learn to turn it from guilt to a more positive giving of oneself without feeling bad when we can't live up to ultimate expectations or give enough. I imagine I will always feel some guilt with my wife and kids in the future. I've always been kind of a guilt catcher so its something I really have to work through.

I feel comfortable recently about being gay where I know longer feel shame for it. Shame lingers deep down I'm sure but I'm very happy mastering it to a great extent; coming out to a close friend has helped with that.

 

Hey Bazinga87

I read a couple of your posts on this thread and another in the general discussion forum. On the other forum you were questioning if you were bi or gay. You mentioned not wanting to be intimate with your wife unless you were drinking even when she initiated for several years. Is this because you are not attracted to her or to any woman?

I am bisexual. I love my wife and even after 30 years she still turns me on...easily. There has never been any question in my mind that I am attracted to both sexes. That is what being bisexual is to me.

Some bisexuals will vacillate between stronger attractions to one sex or the other. But, I sort of doubt that the Kinsey scale varies from 0 to 6 with any bisexual although I suppose it is possible. Everyone's sexuality is different.

You don't say if you are suffering any anxiety or depression or the type of relationship you have with your wife. All of those can affect how you process your emotions. This can add to the confusion and doubt. I would get very serious about seeing a therapist to get to the bottom of your emotions before deciding anything. The thing to remember in therapy is to be completely honest about everything. Therapists have heard it all so you really cannot shock them.

Please continue to post as you work through this there are folks on this forum who have a much better grasp of the difficulties of your struggles than I.

 

Bazinga

You may not need a lot of sessions with a therapist if you are not depressed or very anxious to help you understand what you are feeling. After three sessions in, I felt like I was beating a dead horse. But, those three sessions were worth every penny!