Hi all. I hope this is in the right category. A little about me: I'm a 30 year old professional; I have bad luck in relationships with men, and friends and family have joked or asked if I'm a lesbian. I always assumed I was straight but a late bloomer. I have dated a hoard of gay men (then closeted) and had my last relationship with a man about 3 years ago. I've been on my own since focusing on my friends, career, and dog. I have tried out the online dating scene since I feel weird hitting on people in public. My best friend is a lesbian (married to a man and dating a woman) and we have an incredibly close relationship. Weekly sleepovers, text at all hours of the day, and we make time to see each other almost every day. We were having a deep heart to heart this past week and I started putting pieces together that maybe I'm not as straight as I thought I was. I have been honest that I do have romantic thoughts about her, but I'd never act on them as our friendship is way more important. During our conversation the topic changed to lesbian things, and she stopped me and asked when I was going to be truthful to myself and come out. I was kind of shocked, but we walked back through a lot of my history and present goals, and I'm terrified she's right. I don't want to be gay. I am an ally and supportive of the community and gay rights, but I feel like my world would crumble if it were me. My folks would be fine, as would my friends. I would be terrified to tell the rest of my family as they are rabidly anti-gay. I also wouldn't dare be out at work, as I live in a conservative state with no legal protections for sexual identity discrimination. It's been about all I can think about lately, which is very tiring. This is all so new, but in a way it's really not. I'm begging for advice and/or understanding. Thanks. :bang:
Welcome to EC! This is a good place to discuss and learn. And your post is in the right place here in LGBT Later In Life, you should get some helpful thoughts here, I'd think. My situation is different than yours, but one thing that resonated from your story - when I was in my late 20's, I had figured out that I was bisexual, but before I could come out to anyone, my LTR GF told me she thought I was bi. Sometimes others who know you well figure things out. I don't know if that's true in your case, but regardless, your friend sounds like she could be very helpful in figuring things out. From what I've learned here, if your orientation is gay, then denying or repressing it tends to make things worse when you do come out. I'd encourage you to explore yourself, read here and elsewhere, and find out where you are. Once you know, things get much clearer, and you'll likely be happier wherever you end up. It sounds like you have some good support if/when you do decide you are gay and want to come out. I definitely understand your anxiety at not knowing. Hopefully EC will be helpful to you. (*hug*)
In my humble opinion, the most important thing - vital, even - is to be honest with yourself. Whether you're lesbian, bi, straight, or wherever on the Kinsey scale - by being honest with yourself, your happiness quotient will skyrocket. It's completely your choice who you come out to, when, and under what conditions. Don't want to be out at work? Don't be. Only want a few family members to know? Only tell them and ask them to respect your wishes about this personal choice of who to be out to, and keep their traps shut. Yadda yadda yadda, you see where I'm going. Be brave, be bold, and be happy, Law85! Welcome to EC and I hope to see you around the digital coffeehouse we have here. :welcome:
Wow, I do resonate. My experience isn't exactly the same, but it's similar. I'm 31. Most of the guys I dated or had friendlationships with or had crushes on were closeted gay guys or closeted bi guys. I've done the online dating thing, too, with really limited success. Very confusing experiences. My favorite label for myself at the moment is "lesbiflexible" because I feel mostly gay, but I have some capacity for guys, but straight guys are so stressful for me even if I can get some sexy feelings going occasionally. Just checking dating websites (for guys) makes me grind my teeth til I have a stress headache. I haven't significantly followed up on my gay feels to this point because until recently I was opperating under a lot of religious rules and stuff that I realize now were hurting me, too. I'm totally with you, too, on how much trying to figure this stuff out fills up my head. Sometimes it's hard to function with anything else. So many dirty dishes and so behind on work stuff.... I wish I could stop the world and just figure this out.... Sorry to hijack your thread. I hope you keep posting here. I hope we can figure all this out. I think we can.
I'm glad to be here. I don't want to constantly bother my friend with the whirlwind of my mind...but internet people? No problem! haha I guess I'm just scared and I really can't pinpoint why. I'm long out of high school and college where I'm not sure it would have been received well, and I don't really care what people think about me for the most part. But how they react is another story. Especially when it comes to family. I don't think it would be positive to tell some but not others. My mom's family is very close and I'm estranged from my dad's family (but not my dad) so I couldn't care less what they think. Back to my mom's family...it was a struggle to "come out" after I converted from Lutheran to Episcopalian...many snide remarks, I'll pray for yous, and overall poor reception. My mom's brother and his wife would be very welcoming. They always are. Her middle sister would still love me but there would be some awkwardness there because her husband is a man child bigot. I left the house for a while after Christmas dinner because he started talking about homosexuality being a mental illness and they "aren't right in the head...wires must be disconnected". He says literally the first thing that comes to mind without any forethought. I don't know if I could stay even keeled about him. And then my mom's youngest sister and her husband are straight up Bible literalists. Earth is 6,000 years old. Dinos didn't exist. Radio carbon dating is false. Homosexuals will burn in hell unless we can "change their lifestyle". Regarding her, I also worry about my mom because she's been given hell over "allowing me" (I was 26) to convert STILL four years later. If she condoned me being gay....well...I think it would bring a lot of discord and unhappiness. And it would be my fault. I'd rather present as being straight, or at least remain single, rather than come out. I think this is why I'm just thinking this now. I "noticed" women in college and beyond, had crushes and so forth. But I didn't make any connections because I didn't want to see them and I was afraid they might be there. My mom has asked me now and again for over 15 years if I'm a lesbian. It always upsets me. The last boyfriend I had I thought was "the One" and I remember after we had been dating for a while, he was holding me in his arms and I thought to myself "This is it....I've beat the feelings". But that didn't happen. Sorry for the rambling...this is how my mind is working currently.
With open arms, welcome to EC. This is such a hard situation because you can't let others define you but also sometimes people pick up on things you don't realize are not what regular straight people do. I agree with what others said: you have to be honest with yourself first. I came out at 24 because couldn't accept myself, though I felt like I could support others. I didn't think anything was *wrong* with being gay, but I didn't think I could accept myself being gay. That's a product of internalized homophobia: the feeling deep down that being gay yourself is wrong, even if others being gay is fine. First, be an ally to yourself. Being gay is not a choice, but accepting yourself is. The world is still very homophobic, and it feels so overwhelming at first, and you might choose never to be "out" to family. You can't control how they'll react. But you can control your own reaction, and (correct me if i'm wrong but) it sounds like you aren't happy with things the way they are, with relationships the way they have been going. Whether or not you're gay, you owe it to yourself to explore things a little. Last thing I'm gonna say on this: whenever I'm afraid of something, I remember advice every new driver gets when they lose traction: steer into the skid. Fear can keep us unnecessarily confined; embrace it. Follow it. Steer into it. It means there's great potential for growth there. (*hug*)
Bumping this thread contextually for an update on my life... I have finally accepted I am bisexual. My best friend and were having a heated conversation in the car on the way to a drag show. She asked me when I plan on coming out because I'm gay and repressing myself. I yelled back that I like men and I'm bisexual. She stopped talking and so did I. I couldn't believe what came out of my mouth. In that moment it became real, and I was thankful I was with her and not anyone else. She later told me she wasn't expecting that and was really glad I was finally honest with myself. That was in May. I didn't tell anyone else and wasn't planning on it. Until I visited my folks in June. My mom is a big talker but doesn't always follow up on her words. She was talking about something LGBTQ related and without thinking I said, "Well let's see how you really feel about that...I'm bisexual". It was quiet for a moment, I was horrified this came out of my mouth. My mom said "we know" and looked at my dad, who was shaking his head with a shocked look on his face. Mom then said "Well I guess I knew and this is a surprise to your dad". She told me I could tell her brother and his fiance, but no one else. She warned me to not be open about it, but if the inevitable came and I was dating a woman, they would support me, but likely the rest of the family wouldn't. I kinda felt sick. 1. I had accidentally come out to my parents and 2. mom is telling me that I shouldn't be open. I had initially thought I was launching myself into an open world, but I got jerked back into reality. I left a while later, and I cried the entire two-hour drive back to my house. I felt like I was pushed back into the closet, but the door was open a little. Since then, I've come out to a few more friends, and it's been a mixed reception. A few don't really believe me but the others have been very supportive. My best friend is helping me navigate through a lot of this, and I'm thankful for her unyielding support. My online profiles are looking for women now because you can only pick one or the other, which sucks. I flip back and forth, I don't really know what I'm doing and I'm mostly scared because I'd really like a relationship with a woman, but the few I've talked to were immediately turned off by me being new to everything and furthermore being bisexual. My friend told me to expect that, but I should keep going because it won't matter to someone eventually. I haven't been to church in over a year because I am really saddened by the state of my diocese. The Episcopal church overall is welcoming and affirming. In most diocese, same-sex marriage has been welcomed and is being practiced. But not mine. Mine was one of the holdouts at the convention. I feel as though perhaps all are welcome, but some are more welcome than others. I plucked up some courage and wrote an email to my bishop and my priest. The bishop is on vacation and should be back this week according to his out of office reply. My priest returned my email the next day. He was very encouraging and let me know that our parish is against the bishop's ruling, and he was very glad I wrote what I did because the bishop needs to hear it. He encouraged me to come back. I probably will, but he's not back at the church until September. I have some time to get courageous enough to actually go and not just sit in the parking lot. So. That's where I'm at. I'm trying not to be completely consumed by all of this, but I can't help it. I'm looking forward to the day where I'm out and have whittled away at the people in my life who aren't supportive. But that's a long way off. Thanks to everyone who has responded to this thread for their wonderful responses. I've really appreciated each one.
Good on you for coming out to all the people you are closest to. I think one of the most uncomfortable things about the coming out experience is having to explain yourself to people who have known you for a long time. It feels like you're challenging their opinion of you (and in some cases, you are). There are also the people who assume you are part of the LGBT crowd and openly asked you about it or commented on it, and that can feel like they are trying to pull you out of the closet. This is an intrusive feeling, because that closet door is yours to open, nobody else's, no matter how supportive they are of LGBT people. So the thought of coming out can feel like you are caving into pressure, which I think is why some LGBT people put it off for a long time, because as individuals, we want to come out when we feel ready, not when somebody else decides. There is not really a right or wrong way to come out. These incidents might have been shocking to you when they happened, but you've broken boundaries. You can start taking back more control of your life in a new way. You can start making decisions you didn't consider before, and going to new places and making new friends and partners. Meeting new people, people who don't know anything about your past and have no preconceptions of you, and you have no preconceptions of them, is one of the best things about being LGBT. They have a totally different perspective on you from how your family and old friends see you - they are finding out who you are now, not who you were before - and in getting to know new people, you'll get to see yourself through fresh eyes. there are tons of new experiences ahead of you, so allow yourself to be brave and excited!
Law, welcome to EC. It seems like you have a lot of homosexual thoughts and feeling, but also a lot of internalised homophobia. Even those of us who think we're quite accepting often have internalized homophobia. I used to be afraid to say I was a lesbian, but I'd claimed being bi since I was a teen. Even then, I wouldn't date a woman and I didn't know why. Truth is that I've always been a lesbian, but too scared to admit it to myself nonetheless others. I hope you can find your way to happiness.
