I am really depressed at the moment which affects me every 8-10 years. I am married and for the last 3 major depressive episodes I have felt that I am gay and not being true to myself. I have 2 grown children and my wife is very kind and supportive in my current identity crisis but I do not understand as I have never had any same sex experiences or crushes and would have had lots of opportunities in my life to experiment. I have always felt closer to men emotionally but I am desperate to know what to do as I am so low and finding it hard to even get up and go to work. Any help or support would be welcome...
I'd say it's reflection which leads to realization. What we call depression is a sign something is wrong with our lives in general. Have you talked about your orientation to your therapist, or to anyone else? And did your past episodes had something to do with coping with it, or were related to something else?
Spurs You really need to get into therapy, if you are not already in it. Depression can be caused by many things. Sometimes depression episodes are not even triggered by any outside influences. Depression is an illness. It can flare up just like any chronic disease and requires treatment maybe even medication. Many of us want to look at our lives to figure out what caused the illness. But, it is really important to get the depression under treatment first and then begin working on the potential causes.
Spurs, totally agree with what Nick is telling you here. You need to get into therapy. It's a way for you to completely open up about what you're feeling without judgment and you may need meds.
Yes, I would find a therapist who specializes in LGBT issues, if at all available in your area. If not, any good therapist would be better than nothing. You need to process everything that's going on with yourself, and I think you need help with getting that done. Good luck.
I have a wonderful therapist. And while she doesn't specialize in LGBT she is completely open and supportive of me and my journey. Very slowly i am working through all of the guilt that i carry and learning to accept myself, learning to love myself, learning who i am. But through all of this i had to finally accept that my depression, while exacerbated by my circumstances, is not situational. It is an organic, chemical imbalance that needs to be treated. I finally went back on my meds (it's only been 5 days so I'll update more on that later). Meds do NOT cure the problem, they do not help you move forward. They help you out of the pit. They lift you up to the level where you can then start the hard work of moving forward. You can't move forward if you're continually running into the wall of the hole that you've been stuck in. Something to think about.
Thank you all for the support - first time I have reached out to a forum for any help and I really appreciate the responses. My quandary if that makes sense is that it takes me to go into a depression to have these gay feelings or doubts about myself. I have spoken to a therapist in the past but only for a couple of sessions and he told me at the time that he did not think I have was gay and I left it at that and carried on with my life. My marriage has a lot of communication issues which we are trying to work through, I am not happy in my job and I drank maybe too much a few times recently before the depression came which obviuosly did not help things but it hit me 7-8 weeks ago and has never been this bad ever before. The depression episodes before always came at a change or event in my life where as a family we moved with my job back to a place that was not home. I have been on a new medication for 1 month and also on testosterone gel as my testosterone was very low which I know leads to moods and depression. My wife believes I have OCD and I wonder whether this causes me to fixate on being possibly gay? Is it HOCD? My depression episodes before lasted I believe for about 3 months and I am due to see a LGBT counselor I found in about 10 days.
Spurs It's great that you will be seeing a therapist. This is really the first step in understanding your emotions and, potentially, your sexuality. I would advise really trying not to decide too much ahead of time without the benefit of your therapist. Best of luck.
I don't really see this as a quandary: either you are depressed and gay or depressed and not gay. In either case, therapy and perhaps meds are advisable. I would focus on stabilizing your mood before digging into the sexuality question too hard. I spent a bunch of time in CBT therapy with the assumption that I had HOCD, but left after a few years. In any case, therapy and meds have been helpful in keeping me from sinking back into really bad depression. Figuring out sexuality -- that's a longer story...
I have also been on a roller coaster of emotions. I've always felt I can hide from this. I can be "normal" no matter the costs. But the last few weeks I've been in my darkest days. Then I found this site and haven't felt better in a long while. I've finally told myself that at the very least I like males and I really believe I'm full on gay. Just thinking that and typing it makes me feel better about it and the sky has brightened a bit for me. I agree with everyone on the finding a therapist because I will be doing that as well to hash out what changes this means to my life. Everyone needs a safe place to talk things through and EC has been my first place to do that and a therapists couch will be my next. Just keep your head up and seek help on here and in you community and I'm sure you will find the light and your true self.
The worst feeling is that no-one can tell you if you are gay or not. I spent a lot of time asking people if they thought I was gay and ultimately that was pointless. Go and see your therapist and be completely open, hold nothing back. I held things back because I was too afraid to admit them to myself for a long time and it caused more pain to myself and those around me. It's worth sitting a while and imaging the 'gay' you. How does that make you feel? Do gay thing enter into your sexual thoughts and fantasies. OCD can certainly make things confusing and it's really difficult to determine between ocd and being a closeted gay person. It hellish because they say OCD is the doubting disease so you can doubt you even have it, basically it's almost psychiatric torture. That's why you have to look deep into yourself and you're true desires and what's in your heart. It's incredibly difficult.. I know. You might want to spent a bit of time saying I am gay to yourself and let that play out for a while in your head. See how it feels. For me once I was able to accept what I was attracted too, what I was drawn towards I realised I was gay, but this is only a really recent phenomenon. ---------- Post added 4th Apr 2016 at 01:26 AM ---------- It's also about letting. Go of your fears of being gay I think. Yes life would change somewhat but you'd still be you, just a better version. One that's more authentic and possibly loving as you open your heart.
