So I've been struggling with this. How do you get to the point when you can love yourself as a gay man. How do you get over the messages you've been getting for years that being gay is wrong, it's something to be laughed about and make fun of someone for. That has eaten away stone and caused me to be dishonest to myself. I still find it difficult to relate to gay people - I guess I'm still coming to terms with that myself. After all it's just about who you love, right? I've been a dick, I've been selfish and really not been a very good and honest person for a long time. It's time to change that. I'm not going to let being gay kill me as it nearly has. There is nothing wrong with it - but I need to get that message right into my soul and make it stick. Went to a meet up yesterday and left early due to this. Afraid to engage with people too much wanting to be aloof and actually part of me wanted to look on and mock the bunch of misfits. That's a terrible way to think. Struggling on.... I use to think I was so sorted.... ---------- Post added 2nd Apr 2016 at 11:58 PM ---------- I guess recognising it is the start. Learning to be comfortable about being gay is a start though it early days after decades of denial.
Surround yourself with others from the LGBT community. Participate in a Pride parades, get involved in local organisations, join meet ups. I found the more immersed I made myself in the LGBT community, the more I realised how many others had such similar journeys; the results - the more acceptance I felt, the more my internalised homophobia diminished. Also, for me, I learned to forgive. Forgive others and, more importantly, forgive yourself. Forgiveness really had the power to heal. (And I am not referring the the religious type of forgiveness as I am not religious) Even this weekend, I attended an LGBT leadership conference back in the States (sitting at the airport as I type). I heard storeys from other later-in-lifers, I met and heard the struggles of a few whom have transitioned, I joined debates and discussions on equal rights and nondiscrimination. What did this do for me? It helped me feel connected. It reinforced that I was not alone through the struggle we all have gone through. I learned how others, even different from my journey, had the courage to confront their obstacles and have succeeded. It's all part of the continued journey. And as each day, month and year passes, so does my internalised homophobia.
Thanks for this thread. One of the phrases that has been going through my head a lot lately is "internalized oppression ". Trying to figure out how to get the patriarchy etc out of my head.
I've purged most of my internalized homophobia and shame, though it's difficult to offer you a step-by-step recipe for doing so. Here are some high-level principles that will help get you started. In order to heal the internalized homophobia and shame, you need to replace it with love and acceptance. OTH offers great suggestions, and here are some more tools for you. Forgive yourself - Your upbringing and early childhood messages about sexuality have impacted your ability to accept yourself as gay. You learned from family, friends, church, and society that gay was wrong from an early age. As a result, you learned to hide your sexuality in order to avoid being seen as a bad person. This is not your fault, you were reacting based on your early conditioning. Forgive yourself for all your imagined crimes of being a selfish, dishonest dick. You are an assertive and honest person who is overcoming a lifetime of homophobic conditioning. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to do this at midlife. You are strong and proud. Acceptance - Your sexuality is like your eye color or height. It's an attribute about yourself that you cannot change. It's not a choice, so you should not feel bad about making the wrong choice. Trying to change or deny your sexuality is futile and does not help you. Accept and love yourself for who you are. Coming Out - Coming out to others is a very powerful way to help heal the shame because your secret loses its power over you. You declare to the world that you are gay. You begin to live authentically and proudly. You are liberated! Mirror - Go to a mirror and say "I'm gay, and I'm proud" ride: If you cannot do this, try to understand what is holding you back and post it on this thread. My Blog Post - These are some things that helped me when I first came out. I created a blog post shortly after coming out - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/11706-healing-shame-being-bisexual-gay.html. HTH
JA - thanks for posting this! Some of what you said I've been experiencing lately. I went to a meetup this past week as well (mentioned in another thread). First one & really the first time in my life where I talked to other gay people *as* a gay person. It was a completely new experience, and as a result, it surfaced a completely new raft of emotions. I didn't feel bad at all about every person there knowing I was gay. Which was great & really a total shocker. I thought I'd be paralyzed by butterflies in the parking lot. Anyway, I had a beer, talked to some of the men there, some of whom were genuinely interesting people & finally left, brain completely overloaded. But. Since then, when I think of it, my stomach ties up in knots & I feel slightly ill. I am somewhat ashamed to admit this, but how else to get over it? I still feel gay, I still feel like I very much want to get close and ultimately intimate with the right man, but ... there it is. The homophobia running through my brain is latching on stereotypes - effeminate men, gay sounding voices, sassiness, etc., and going "ew". I think I really don't know how to see other, and maybe more expressively gay men, as people. I think somehow I'm believing that yeah, I'm gay, but not GAY gay like those guys. So this would be a good part of the idea of why I want to continue to go to meetups - to challenge all the evil, shitty, ignorant stereotypes this fucked up society has bombarded me with since childhood in order to make myself and other gay people seem less than human. Anyway, it feels really screwed up right now. I'm honestly surprised at my reaction, but on the positive side it's revealed something about my thinking that I can work on. Cold comfort at the moment, but intellectually I can see it's really valuable.
I've referenced this thread in several posts. I've expanded upon post #4 and created a new blog entry. Please see Healing the shame of being gay, take 2 for a more comprehensive view of healing the shame. Enjoy the journey!
