Had a talk with my husband yesterday

The last few days have been emotional ones. I'm starting to find honesty coming easier and easier.

I told my husband in very clear terms what I'm feeling now. I told him that I'm certain at this point that I need to be with a woman, and that not doing so will make me feel like I'm not a complete person. I told him that I'm starting to wonder if I'm simply gay. I told him that I've been considering separation but that I'm not sure yet if that's the right course, that part of me wonders if open marriage could work.

His responses surprised me. He told me that he would likely be open to considering an open marriage, given the way I feel about needing to experience this to be a fuller person. I was really clear about what I need, that it's about an emotional connection, intimacy, romance, etc. Sex, yes, but not just sex. This was a shock for me that he was so open to it. Then of course we talked it through a bit and he shared his feelings.

We also talked alot about what we think is wrong with the marriage itself, and I told him I'm not sure anymore that we can fix those things.

And then I talked to him about things that I felt were always missing, emotional connection, passion and feeling like he gets my emotional needs. I'm still not sure whether some of these missing pieces are indications that I can't find those emotional connections with a man, or whether I missed the mark with my husband (and other men I've been with). I talked about this with my husband too.

It was hard to be honest, I didn't want to say things that hurt him. But it also felt like it just had to be said. We're not yet at the point of making decisions, I still need to think about the parts I'm uncertain about. Those things come with me exploring by meeting people and building new friendships, meeting women and just generally being honest with myself about how I feel as I go along. But I feel like I was completely honest with my husband and myself about everything I'm feeling and thinking.

I don't know how I feel at this moment. I can't say I feel great, because it was hard to tell my husband hurtful things, but I don't feel bad either, because I feel like this was right and honest. I'm in a weird almost numb state, feeling a little bit down but also feeling a little bit good about being true to me.

I'm not sure what comes next...

 

Well done you too, you made a clean break, I really admire that. These talks with my husband have been building for some time now. I've been telling him little bits and pieces here and there for the last six-seven months, but I think I finally got *everything* out in the open. Part of the reason it's taken me so long is that I'm still on the fence about which is the best path, open marriage or separation. But i know that I'm closer to learning that. I'm meeting women and making new friends, and I hope this gives me clarity about whether I'd be satisfied with an open marriage or whether I'd want more.

I have reached a place of comfort and even pride in terms of my feelings for women. But it's not easy to get to that point. I've been following your story, and you are making great steps. You've had some hateful messages growing up. I can imagine how hard it is to get past the shame.

---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2016 at 10:03 AM ----------

Thanks My husband's been growing alot lately, it's taken a long time for him to get to this point of acceptance. I came out as bisexual to him about seven months ago (at the time, I thought bi made sense, now I'm not so sure). He was a bit uncomfortable about my sexuality and threatened by it's implications for a long time. But I think at the core, he really does care about my happiness.

I am starting to explore now, but that really just means going out and meeting women and also meeting women online. I'm trying to do everything above board, not cheat, be honest with new people I meet, but I'm also trying to set the groundwork for dating, and trying to see what these new friendships and the flirtation and chemistry feels like and what my instincts are telling me. It's a really weird spot to be in, a weird middle ground, but I think it's right for the circumstances. that's really the only thing holding me back from making the decision. I want to have more experience being around lesbians and bi women, letting myself explore what I feel around women I make a connection with, and hopefully that will give me the clarity I need to make a decision, and then to move forward.

---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2016 at 10:07 AM ----------

It's hard for me to be in that processing stage, but I think it's the right thing. We have to be thoughtful about how we do things because of our daughter, I want everything to be respectful to both of our needs and to consider her in the process.

I'm really worried about what you mention, that he is being open to the idea of open marriage simply because he feels it's the only hope we have. I started trying to discuss that last night, but he said he wanted to stop talking at that point and think more about it later. So we left it there.

I'm hoping that my exploring time will also give him time to think about his needs. I'm not going to be unfair to him, or at least I'll make every effort not to be.

 

This was hard, but I at least had paved the way a bit by coming out as bisexual several months ago. It was almost impossible to get the words out back then. But now I don't know if I believe I'm bi, I don't feel comfortable yet, because of my inexperience, claiming that I'm a lesbian. But something, like some instinct tells me, I think I am gay. I just need to get a better grasp on that at this point. But, yeah telling my husband that I may be gay, not bi, was hard, but I'm starting to feel more comfortable about who I am, and the words came out more naturally this time. The worst part is the implications for us, I just felt that those words were going to hurt him mso much. And of course they did, because it feels more hopeless that we can work this out.

I love this forum too, its starting to feel like my home. At this point I'm feeling less like I'm coming out, but more like I'm coming into the full me. My big jump was telling myself that I was not straight, claiming the label bisexual did that. And telling my family and best friends. But now I'm feeling more like, yeah you're not straight, now it's time to become fully comfortable with exactly what my orientation and my needs and feelings are.

---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2016 at 10:21 AM ----------

Thanks demidiluvian, I feel emotionally drained right now, but I do feel some relief at getting everything out into the open. Maybe soon that will feel like a weight has been lifted? Now the key is to find the clarity for the rest of my questions....

---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2016 at 10:26 AM ----------

Thank you i feel like I've made an important step, but there's so much left to figure out.

I have been feeling so much more relaxed and comfortable about talking about my orientation. I've told my sister and two best friends now that I think I'm gay not bi. It felt so much easier than the coming out the first time as bi. But the direction of the marriage, that's the hardest bit for me. I need lots of extra doses of bravery to make sure I make the right choice in the end, whatever it turns out to be.

 

I'm very lucky, and honestly surprised, at my husband being so selfless. This is going to sound a bit unusual, but I *want* my husband to explore. He's not really up for it. The open marriage rules will go both ways in my mind, but I don't think he would do it.

I'm sorry you had such a struggle (*hug*) I hope you feel like you're starting to move forward.

---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2016 at 10:33 AM ----------

I keep thinking that that may likely be my ultimate decision....that I may need to have a full relationship with another woman. That's why I'm trying to work out my feelings a little bit before we decide on one direction or another. I don't want to settle. And I don't want my husband to either.

Congrats to you on moving on and getting married! That's wonderful to hear!

 

Thanks for your support. I know, I'm fairly sure that separation would be the biggest hurdle. That's why I'm deliberating on it for so long. Honestly, I'm not afraid of breaking ties with my husband, but the rupture that creates for my daughter...that's something I'm not taking lightly, and I'm trying to make sure I'm certain I know exactly what I want before making any huge steps.

---------- Post added 4th Apr 2016 at 02:22 AM ----------

I don't know how I feel....I'm mostly feeling queasy, like the feeling you have before an important event. It's like a feeling that just sort of creeps up all around me. It's good and bad feelings all mingling together. I think there is some part of me that believes future me is content, at peace and free, and there's also a part of me that feels like short term future me is f*ing scared shitless. And there's also the apprehension of hurting and disappointing others, facing others' judgment. It's hard to articulate those feelings.

 

Thanks Bunny and Cameron. (*hug*)