Today it's been six months since my girlfriend and I have gotten together. So much has changed in my life. People look at me differently, my children look at me differently, and I see myself and the world in a whole different view. As silly as it sounds, I had never really known any gay people. I know, I know....yes I did, but not anyone who was openly out. I don't think I've shared, but I spent most of my adult life in the military, which at that time being gay was considered a criminal offense and grounds for a discharge. When I came to work at my current job, which is law enforcement, I found there were a number of lesbians working there. Ironically, there are no openly gay men there, but a significant number of out lesbians. I do remember my curiosity about them. As I reflect back, I think it was significant in my journey, although I did not realize it at the time. Apparently, my morbid curiosity had more to do with me than it did them. My life has changed in this short time. I've dealt with being the object of gossip at work when my relationship was realized, I've dealt with reactions from my children. My son believes this is some kind of phase and that I really don't like women. My daughter was angry and physically abusive at one point. Right now they both know I am in this relationship, but we really don't discuss it. I am hoping the future brings more openness about this, but for now I'm not pressing the issue. My daughter and I are in counseling, but the issue of my sexuality has not been addressed yet. The man I was formerly dating took it particularly hard, and I realize that other coworkers probably gave him grief about turning me gay. I really hate that he had to deal with that stupidity. I live in a very southern rural community, and I'm not out to these people. Mainly because I don't really interact with them on a daily basis. I have stopped attending the church I am a member at (although this happened before the relationship) because of the hypocrisy that exists. Also, my daughter is terrified that this will get out, although the potential exists because I know she has shared this issue with at least one of her friends. Sorry for rambling. I guess my point is that I am a completely different person now. My religious views, my political views, everything. I just look at things in a totally different light. I wonder how in the dark I would still be if I hadn't met these people, my gf and the other LGBT community at work. I am thankful, as I feel I understand the years of not finding someone...years of nothing ever feeling right. I am thankful that I am now finally aware of what was missing in my life, as carrying that emptiness inside for so long is a terrible burden to carry. Yes, today I am thankful for this new relationship and I really hope it continues to grow, but mostly I am thankful because I feel a truer sense of myself than I ever realized existed.
Afgirl, you mention that you are in counseling with your daughter, have you thought about finding counseling for yourself alone in this coming out journey? I'm not there yet, but I know when I do, I will be working with a counselor to help me through it.
I've thought about it some, but unfortunately I live in a community where there is no LGBT counselors within a 2+ hour drive from my house. My counselor has asked to see me alone, but I haven't taken her up on it yet. Perhaps I will. It is definitely something to think about. I'm curious. Where are you in your journey?
You sound like you have been really brave, great that your relationship is going well and you feel a truer sense of self. Do you think your children might become more accepting over time? I thought that young people are a lot more accepting generally but I live in quite a liberal place. Do you think if they got to know your gf that would help? Or are they not really ready/willing to do that yet?
My son has said he loves me and nothing will change that. That being said, he does not bring it up or ask. Occasionally I will mention my gf and he listens matter of factly. We live in a very conservative rural area. My daughter has told me that she hates me, that this is the worst thing I could ever do, and she was relentless in telling me to end it. She has stopped talking about it for the most part. My gf and I went away for the weekend about a month ago to a city about 2 1/2 hours away. My daughter asked why there, and I answered that it was close. She then said, "Somebody might see you." I was not ready to tell my kids, but my daughter found something on my phone that led her to ask me if I was a lesbian. I wasn't going to lie and make things worse. That was a little over three months ago, and I have to say all things considered it was probably a good thing. I feel less like I'm hiding something, although I do long to be a little more "normal" with this relationship. Maybe one day things will come together; that's what I'm hoping for. I think things would be far different if we lived somewhere else.
I'm in the beginning of my journey. I am going to start seeing a counselor on the 11th. I kind of outed myself by posting a comment on a gay man's facebook page commenting on something he wanted me to look at. Instead of using my fictitious facebook name, I used my actual FB name and those comments were blasted to all on my friends list. Wife called me asking what these comments were about. Had a big discussion when I got home. So we are in the beginning stages.
I think as you come out you will be far happier. The things I thought I could never do...well, I've done some of them already. I know I have a long way to go, but every little step forward is progress. My first priority has always been to be a good mother. Unfortunately, I'm pretty much all my children have, but that's another story. I have always put them first. The thing is, my kids are well on their way to being grown. Well, one actually is, and the other one is in high school. It's time to start making plans for my own life, considering my own happiness. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen, but I just feel like I have to start being honest with myself. I sense that is where you are as well.
