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I guess what I'm looking for is evidence that leaving is the right choice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Apr 4, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    Hi friends. Here I am again, with this question that is just eating at me. And here again, looking for guidance, encouragement, insight, whatever you've got for me.

    I think it's safe to say that I've reached a point, mentally and instinctually where I feel like I don't *know* whether open marriage or separation is the choice which would make me happier. But if I had to go with my gut, and especially if I just think only about me, my personal feelings, there's this very strong vision I have of myself. I'm with a woman, she's my life partner, we're strong, we're a team, we're boring, just an ordinary couple, but our internal lives are full, rich, happy. We are best friends, lovers, we're partners.

    I suppose that my biggest stumbling block is. I've never been with a woman. Never. It's just, how do you make a decision on such limited evidence? I have a plan and I'm doing it, I'm moving forward everyday with the plan. The plan is good, but it still feels like it provides so little experience. My plan is to get out and meet people, which I am, and to explore my feelings around women. Well, I mean getting out once every week or so makes this a slow process. I've only been doing this for a few weeks.

    There is another, competing image. When I think of my whole life, not just myself, I imagine me, pregnant with my second kid, my family intact, my husband and I on a better track, and the open marriage giving me freedom, and it feels good.

    I don't know exactly what I'm hoping to get from this post.... but stories could help. Does anyone have a story to share?
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    What do you think you should do to discover the answer?
     
  3. Justasking100

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    I guess the problem you face is you progress with an open marriage and your desire is to experiment, what happens if you are gay, which you say you are and emotional attachment happens with a woman?
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    I think your just afraid to get on with life. Your comfortable in your marriage and your not willing to take the risk. It's easier to post several threads a day about your feelings when instead you should be just getting on with being yourself. Sorry to be so blunt, but your posts are actually not even helping yourself as you seem continue to stand still. And if I were just starting my journey, coming to EC to find ways forward, I would be discouraged by what I was reading.
     
  5. brians34

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    Barista, I know where you're coming from. You know what you feel will make you happy, but it's hard to pull that cord.

    It's a gamble, what if I pull that cord then there's nothing once I hit the bottom?

    I don't remember if I've read anywhere that you have sought out counseling, but that's what I would advise that way you can talk out your feelings in front of someone and get a return voice.

    They can help you weigh out your pros and cons, find where your emotions lie, and help you with those things that may be scaring you towards moving forward if that's what you want.

    I hope you find your answer, you have a long life ahead of you and you deserve that life to be a very happy and fulfilled life.
     
  6. WanderingMind

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    Hey Jedi,

    I am not on the same path as you, so I'm not sure if sharing my story will help. However, I notice distinct differences in your two visions for the future, which perhaps you've had a harder time seeing from within your tangled mind?

    Vision 1:

    You mention that you feel as if in this vision, you are thinking only of yourself. However, I challenge you to see that there's another woman with you here in this dream. You use the word "we" to convey your togetherness, and it sounds like a love-rich reality. Just look at the words: full... rich... happy... strong...

    Vision 2:

    In vision 2, you indicate you see this as a vision of "my whole life"... which makes me wonder if you don't see that *both* of your visions entail the same. Both are whole life visions. There are different players within the story... but they are both the story of the rest of your life. (I also wonder if it's worth pointing out that possibility of a second pregnancy is not limited to vision 2.) Here, you use the words: freedom... good...


    (*hug*) Keep walking. You'll find your way. You're doing great!
     
  7. baristajedi

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    I think the truth is I need space. I have a lot of different things to work through, issues with my husband, understanding my orientation, exploring my feelings for women, and fears about various decisions. I think space is the only way I can work through all of those things.

    ---------- Post added 4th Apr 2016 at 06:39 AM ----------


    I'm not sure I'm gay, I'm still questioning that. But I think that what you're saying is the risk in having an open marriage, and it's a big reason that I'm thinking open marriage won't be the best option, or at least won't be fair to my husband.
     
  8. Justasking100

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    I think you do need some space. It's too claustrophobic to be dealing with normal relationship issues and also your sexuality. It's difficult but you need something. A Therapist would be a good start I think.
     
  9. yeehaw

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    Hello jedi. During the scariest and most confusing parts of my journey so far I've come to rely on paying close attention to what is my gut instinct about things and what are really wordy stories I've created in my head. And what I found so far is that following the quiet, less wordy, gut instincts has been smart. And I've gotten better at sensing when the more anxious and wordy ideas are driven by fear rather than by my gut. Regarding the open marriage scenario that you've been envisioning, do you have a sense for if that vision is something you created out of fear or anxiety? Deep down, does the open marriage scenario feel like a scenario in which you can feel like you are truly being yourself, and a situation in which you would be capable of feeling alive, awake, and connected to your family in deep and nourishing ways?

    Also, I would like to say that I admire the pace at which you are moving through this process. Most of my progress so far has been either being shoved forward while terrified , or staying at a complete standstill. (You don't seem to be doing either of those things--it looks like steady mindful progress to me.) I've been at a standstill for a bit too long, and I'm working on figuring out little baby steps that I'm actually willing and able to do without feeling overwhelmed. Some of the things you've been doing lately have inspired me to look up actual dates and times for get togethers I'm willing to at least consider at a local lgbt center. Thank you for the inspiration. And I really hope you'll keep sharing your process with us!
     
    #9 yeehaw, Apr 4, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2016
  10. baristajedi

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    We have different ways of making decisions, I don't think I'm significantly more or less afraid than most people faced with huge decisions, but I express and deal with it in my own way. I think I can see from an outside perspective that my posts are mind-numbing. But I'm confident that I'll make the right decision in the end. It just takes me my own path to get there.

    I've already made some decisions after posting this. I'm going to think about it over the next couple of weeks, but I believe I know what I need at this point. I'll likely still be emoting on EC about it (sorry), but I'm feeling heavily pulled towards separation. I'm taking some space and time away to think about it though before we make any final decisions.

    ---------- Post added 4th Apr 2016 at 07:18 AM ----------


    What you're saying is exactly what I'm feeling. I suppose I should say as well, that what makes the gamble particularly scary is that these decisions really impact my daughter. If it's just about my life, I can handle the risks more easily.

    I was in counselling, but that has just ended. My husband and I are also on a waiting list for couples counselling. I may try to get back into individual counselling as well.

    Thanks for your support and encouragement. (*hug*) I'll find my answer. But it's an emotional process getting there.
     
  11. baristajedi

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    Thanks wanderingmind. (*hug*) This helps a lot to take a second look at my two visions. I think when I look at it properly, what I'm really seeing in vision 2 is something I think I would grieve if I walk away from it; but vision 1 is where I feel my heart being pulled.

    I like that you point out that things from my second vision can be part of the first one. I could have another kid, it's absolutely true. I just know that it may not happen. And I guess I have to be ok with that.

    This is all really helpful.

    ---------- Post added 4th Apr 2016 at 07:24 AM ----------

    yeah, I think this is where my head is right now. And I may go back to therapy, I was doing it for a bit and it just finished up last week.

    ---------- Post added 4th Apr 2016 at 07:36 AM ----------

    yeehaw - this is something I think I really need to hear. I have been sort of thinking that I need to follow my gut, but I feel this force holding me back from doing so.

    I do think that alot of my feelings keeping me in my marriage are driven by fear. And it's such an apt description "wordy stories I've created in my head". This is so much like what I do.

    I guess the only reason the open marriage scenario would feel deep down to be satisfying, is if I just need to experiment or validate my feelings for women. But my gut tells me I need more than that.

    Thanks for saying that about the pace I'm moving in. Sometimes I feel like my progress is so slow. And I'm touched to know that I have inspired you to try new things.

    I want to hear updates about lgbt connections you build and meetups you go to. :slight_smile: It is a hugely meaningful part of the process for me. I've had nothing but good (even if sometimes awkward (from my end)) experiences in connecting with the lgbt community.

    ---------- Post added 4th Apr 2016 at 07:46 AM ----------


    I'm just re-reading this and wondering - are you saying you think my posts discourage other people who are reading?

    I think a lot of people post on here with doubts and fears. I'm not sure why my posts specifically are "discouraging". Aren't we all here to support each other? Is there only one way to experience coming out, are we all supposed to figure out everything immediately?
     
  12. OutofZCloset

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    I tried to PM you but apparently I don't rank high enough on this forum to warrant that privelege. I just wanted to say have courage and stay strong. You will know when the time is right.
     
  13. OnTheHighway

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    What I am saying, in summary, is you need to keep pushing yourself forward. Post away all you want, that is what EC is for. heck knows I did when after I first came out to myself. However, you have the ability to continue on with your journey, but right now, since you have come back from some time off, it seems as if you have pulled into a rest stop and have not taken the on ramp back on the highway.

    Get back on the highway!
     
  14. rachael1954

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    If this happens you may not want to stay married. I sympathize with you and your posts, and I agree life is all about costs and benefits, playing the best odds with limited information, and then looking back with 20/20 vision.

    It is hard to see both sides of your life and potentially be happy in both. But which would you be more yourself? Which would you be more acting and pleasing others? I read somewhere if we are confronted with a decision between one that produces anxiety and another that produces depression, we should choose the anxiety one because it will grow us as individuals - the depression choice will limit us. But you don't sound depressed with either option. That's how it was for me too.

    Maybe it will take posting on EC for months or even years to come to terms with yourself and your marriage. Maybe next week you will meet a woman who rubs you the wrong way and you will be demotivated from pursuing women further, or maybe a woman will intrigue you, or blow your whole emotional world apart...

    I know when I met a woman my whole life reset to the "0" marker. Maybe that's what it will take for you. Or maybe you are happiest with your husband, and the life you've built, and redefining it to suit you. A transition like this one doesn't mean you need to start over to be empowered or whatever. It means you need to dig deep. I'm sorry there are no ready answers for you right now.

    For me it took the pain of staying the same grew greater than the pain of leaving.

    I wish you well.
     
    #14 rachael1954, Apr 4, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2016