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My gay life, my straight life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CyclingFan, Apr 5, 2016.

  1. CyclingFan

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    Through this process, I've been somewhat resistant to too many other changes. Coming out, divorce, moving into a place alone for the first time ever, doing a short sale to get out of the house we bought and both enjoyed, going out to gay spaces, meeting a great guy who I met one year ago tomorrow...I also had a job layoff right before this started out.

    It's been a lot of changes the last few years, and would have been even without the mental and emotional turmoil that are often there to those coming out under ideal conditions.

    I've noticed through it all that my new gay life is where I want to be. It's where I'm comfortable and I'm happy.

    I'm having a tough time getting engaged at work. Honestly, it feels like my sexuality and the identity I put forward got tangled up somehow. I haven't felt engaged in it for a few years, actually. I think I held on to it as a way of showing that I was just a "regular guy" or something. I'm afraid of what would happen if I quit but I hate doing the work. Sometimes it even triggers anxiety, like it has been last few days.

    So, I think I've come to a decision. The thought of doing this line of work for another 25-30 years fills me with agony. I've got about 1 year of prerequisite courses to go to nursing or PA school and I'm going to go full time on it starting in the fall.

    I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but I think I can make it work. Next step is to see if the boyfriend is up for going on this journey with me, cause it's more changes. While I hope he is, and I'll be very sad if he isn't, I think I have to try for this.

    ---------- Post added 5th Apr 2016 at 12:38 PM ----------

    Adding on.

    I have felt a lot of guilt about "not doing a good job". Which is really tough, cause sometimes it feels like I can't do it. Like today, I'm literally having trouble looking at this program and it is really simple stuff. I'm not sure how much of this is that I don't want to or can't because it's wrapped up in other trauma but I'm not sure it matters.

    I feel guilt cause I can't do the same work I once did? Feels kinda silly to me. If I lost my hands, would I feel guilty about not being able to type any more?

    Also, no I'm not out at work. I'm sure it would be surface accepted. But everyone here is pretty conservative and I've heard bigoted crap before.
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    I'm assuming that you are in a place where you love yourself unconditionally as a gay man. If not perhaps that's a factor here.

    I also went through a period where I was considering changing my line of work. I hated my work because I was working my ass off to support a faux heteronormative lifestyle. Once I got past that and healed, I began to like my chosen career again as a gay man. This is another implication of the ideas discussed in http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/208943-buidling-life-gay-dad-2.html#post3013910.

    I would have assumed that most work places in Northern CA that involve programming would be relatively accepting of LGBT. I'm wondering if coming out at work would help you do a better job? By not coming out, you are still in the closet in one area of your life where you spend 40+ hours a week. You know how stifling the closet can be.

    If none of this resonates with you, then good for you for doing the things that you need to do to get to where you want to go career wise.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    As you reevaluate whom you are and your personal life, I think it's only natural to go through the same think professionally; I did as well. Some of it might also parallel typical mid life type evaluations as well - is this what I wanted to do? Is this what I am supposed to do? Should I do something different?

    Once my divorce was finalized, I took some time off from work to think about everything. Once Ingot back from my break, I was back in the saddle and decided to continue riding the horse I was already on.
     
  4. CyclingFan

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    Thanks for the responses you two. Gives me a little more to chew on. I'm pretty sure I've considered what you're saying but I will try to respond more fully later. I think articulating that will help me but typing all of that on my phone doesn't sound super fun. Haha.

    I do have an appointment next week with my therapist to hash some of this out too. My relationship with work was what first got me into therapy, so we have a history as a basis for starting that discussion.
     
  5. CyclingFan

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    SF, yes I do love my gay self. I often feel quite done with wanting to do this work. I'd been thinking of making a change, and mostly this change for some time, pre-dating my feelings where I needed to start coming out.

    I do know that not being out can definitely lead to some distress and I recognize that this could be a factor in this.

    I also know that I feel pretty disconnected from the work I'm doing. I feel that I've worked a few places where I felt a lot of conflict regarding the mission, and I'm finding that to be very important to me as well. I've gravitated to health care companies in some part due to this.

    My job has actually been pretty good in several ways through this. While I now feel like it is completely boring and stagnating, it was lighter work that allowed me to get through the changes I needed to. What I don't see is a way to transition from here to work in my field that would be challenging and rewarding.

    What I'm thinking of doing first is fortunately not super expensive, as it can all be done at the community college. I know if at any point I get re interested in data analysis and/or programming that I can go back to it. If I go all the way through school and decide that it isn't for me, well again, I can go back to that in fact, nurse informaticists are in super high demand.

    I think the short version is that I don't know which part of my dislike of my career path is being closeted and which part is some different dislike but I tire of trying to tease that out in my current environment. Making a change like I'm thinking of will really only cost me in lost potential income while in school but that I could make up quickly in a new career.

    ---------- Post added 8th Apr 2016 at 11:47 AM ----------

    I have also already started by taking a nutritionclass in fall and then a chemistry class currently. It's gone really well, but if I maintain that pace I'll be done with my prerequisites in like 5 years, which is ridiculous.

    I think I'm just committing to a path I've already started following.
     
  6. CyclingFan

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    Since coming out too, as I've gained acceptance for myself, I see that a lot of how I was motivated to get through some work was via anger and fear. I have much less of those things now. But that does present a problem to doing this work if I don't have those motivations. Yes, damaging and unhealthy motivations but they still were part of it.

    So I guess I still find myself back at this decision point. But I think that even with those questions regarding my past and future work, my decision appears the same.
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    There is one way to find out ... why not come out since you are planning on leaving anyway? :evil:

    I had a similar experience where my motivation while in the closet was from the darker emotions. After coming out I went into no man's land where I lost my motivation. After reconstructing myself homonormatively, my motivation is coming back.

    It sounds like you are moving ahead with your plans for the career transition. Best of luck to you!
     
    #7 SiennaFire, Apr 8, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2016