I lost a good friend today

Your situation sounds sucky. I don't know the complications of marriage, or having someone who's emotionally unstable threatening to hurt themselves if they don't have control over you, but I certainly don't think life is worth living for people who don't have your best interest at heart - no matter who they are.

I'm sure it hurts that your friend stopped talking to you, but that was his right. I'm not sure I'd be able to continuously stay friends with someone I a) had feelings for who had feelings for me but I couldn't be with because they've decided to give their happiness up to suit someone else's needs - or b) kept complaining about a situation that they have control over, yet continue to live unhappily and resign themselves to some kind of prison. There's no winning, and it's exhausting. Like banging your head against a wall.

There's no going back in the closet. There is only the miserable, ignored, resented truth between you and she that will remain unspoken until one of you cracks.

All I can say is that, this is your only life. That's it.

 

Is it possible your using your wife as an excuse to take the easy road?

 

I don't think there is an easy road here. There's Road A, paved with self-denial and full of pot-holes made of loss via friends & possible lovers leaving and Road B, paved with hurting someone you love (although differently than perhaps she wants to be loved).

I think that each road sucks a lot but you have to figure out which one gets you to where you want to go. Not trying to be snarky here, but I bet it's Road B even though it may *really* suck in the short-term. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation. Just my unsolicited 2¢.

 

Could it be your friend has a point?

It is really important for you to understand that you are simply not responsible for your wife's happiness. That is her job, whether you believe it or not.

That you feel trapped in this cycle of misery is the very definition of co-dependence, and she seems to be a past master at this kind of manipulation, also known as emotional blackmail.

But more importantly, although you are very much miserable in this situation, you also have to understand that most people do things for a psychological payoff. I suspect that your payoff may be coming from your ego...you see yourself as her saviour, or the long-suffering noble hero that cannot let her go because her entire world would fall apart...

We who are members of the closeted husbands club (former and current) should re-name that club the "People-Pleasers International", and yes, there is a payoff there too, and it's a bit of a dark side of our personalities, because pleasing people is a neat way to manipulate others and get what we want from them too...yes: co-dependence is a bitch...

I suggest you get counseling to get out of this cycle, the world is immensely larger than the bubble you are floating in...time to get out.

 

I can't really say anything that the previous posters haven't already said except agree with them. The biggest and best piece of advice here is getting some help. You can't do this alone whether you pick road a or road b and talking to a therapist will be very benifical to helping you decide what's best.

 

Taxodium

I know that when we get married we assume responsibility for our families. It is sort of the definition of what a husband and father does. But, that responsibility does not include maintaining the emotional stability of our spouses. The best we can do is provide as much love and support as we are capable of doing without irreparably harming ourselves.

It is one thing to help a spouse through a crisis. It is quite another to sacrifice our emotional well being to facilitate a spouse who, clearly, does not want to be responsible for any of her own emotional needs. That isn't in the contract of marriage, regardless of one's sexual orientation.

If a straight friend told me his wife was behaving this way, the answer would be the same..."She needs to get into therapy and begin to learn how to be a grownup and be responsible for her own life." The next sentence would be "You need to seriously consider leaving her because this is killing you."

Again. Sorry, for the bluntness.

 

I want to speak from a place similar to yours. My grandmother is very elderly, in fact today is her 92 birthday. In August I had to make a very hard choice, my uncle who is ....what he is, has been making various threats to members of the family for several years. My grandmother had taken a bad fall and was in need of lots of help to recover from surgery. Near the end of her recovery he attempted to shoot, with the intention of killing, my mother. The biggest problem in this isn't the attempted murder, but that he lives with my grandmother, and has for many years. I'm not saying that him trying to kill my mother isn't a big deal, but she escaped and that situation is over. My grandmother on the other hand is not a perfect person, she is kind to a fault, and in some denial. She will not accept that my uncle is a bad person an kick him out or get him help. This leads to why I'm telling you this. A deputy came to me and told me that after speaking to my uncle he didn't think it was safe that I ever return there again. I had to make a choice between my grandmother, whom I'm very close to, who is physically incapable of careing for herself, whom I love with all my heart, and my own safety. I chose my own safety. There is no way for me not to feel like I am abandoning her, and at the same time she has made the choices in her life that lead to the isolation she is in now. It is one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I say this with compassion, do not protect your wife from the consequences of her actions, you are not being kind to her by propping her up. Get her the help she needs even if she hates you for it. You are facing a death of the spirit, and possibly your actual life. The depression you are facing is like a gun, and your wife doesn't understand that she is pointing it at you. You are not selfish, you are not a bad person for choosing your own safety.

 

Hey Taxodium,

I'm sorry your friend cut you off. That sucks especially when you feel you need someone to support you.

There's a lot of straight talk (pardon the pun) coming from some of the commenters on this thread. They do have a lot of valid points and I don't discredit anything being said. But I'm in a similar situation as you so I understand your point of view. I want to validate your feelings and recognize that moving on is easier for some than others. Perhaps some read about your pain and offer solutions because they want you to be in a better place.

I can't wait for the day that I read one too many "shit or get off the pot" comments about my own situation and it'll be a call to action for me. Until then, we'll both sit in limbo together.

I know deep down the other side is better. Wouldn't it be great if we made a pact and did this Thelma and Louise style, proverbially holding hands and driving off the cliff together by telling our wives at the same time that we were moving on? (I can't believe I just made a Thelma and Louise reference. I think that is the gayest thing I've ever done.)

 

Although I generally agree with what everyone has written, I want to offer a counterpoint. I separated from my wife about a year and a half ago, but we still spend time together. I still miss her and care about her, and those feelings have definitely delayed my coming out process.

I'm not suggesting that this is the "right" way to do things, but your feelings are your own. You married this woman and loved her -- you made a promise and naturally feel some sense of obligation that prevents you from jumping ship. I don't think it's fair to say you're just a people-pleaser.

That being said, it's important to try to keep working through the feelings and not let the process stagnate. You can't be totally responsible for anyone's well-being except your own. At some point you will need to find the strength to separate, even if she isn't fully ready or accepting.

 

You cannot forever take care of your wife's emotional well-being. She needs to deal with this issue with or without your help. You cannot keep appeasing her. If you care about her, take her to therapy and get her to process the fact that your marriage as it was is over even if you decide not to divorce.

 

Hi Taxodium,

I'm sorry your friend has made this decision. I want to be one of the people here who offers a counterpoint to the majority of comments on this thread. You are in a very challenging situation, and I can imagine how hard it is to move forward. We're all different in the amount of time it takes to move forward.

That said, please keep trying to move forward. Maybe at this time, try to take little steps to keep moving forward until you get the courage to make the big jump.

 

I don't know much about you but from reading I feel like you are not really focus on being "you." I feel like you just try to focus on forging another you that more please to people around you. If you truly focus on being yourself, you would be happy and not say "I would give anything to be straight. So I continue to pretend, drowning myself, feigning happiness so I don’t destroy the people I love and who love me most.""Back in closet after coming out to wife & 3 frnds." You will be happy that you are gay/bi. New people that come in contact with you in a deeper level can see that and that is why they are running away.

I also don't think your wife is "fragile." She might be emotional but to be honest here, I think you are the fragile one even more than her. You don't take control of you life, you change yourself to please people around you in a trade of your happiness for their happiness. Life is short why not love yourself. Things won't change until you change. Happiness start from you not from the other around you. When I said you are fragile more than your wife, it is because you are scared. You scared of changes. You scared of what is ahead of you if you try to do or changes things for yourself for once.

This is just my opinion, things won't change until you change. Happiness start from you and love yourself first. Life is short but it is your life, be happy, be true to yourself and love yourself, or trade it for other people happiness and you suffered. It is up to you for what you want. Life is always changing, keep that in the back of your head, learn from all those changes and make the best for yourself, your life.

 

Your friend is spot on. greatwhale is spot on. I've posted similar thought processes previously that were spot on. Sound advice doesn't get through. You're stuck, and I'm not sure what you need to move ahead. You need to own this, work with a therapist, figure out what's right for you, and get on with it.

 

Hey Taxodium

I think every poster here can relate on some level to what you are going though. The feeling that you need to make things better for your spouse because of guilt. But, I wonder if onthehighway has a point. Are you sure that some of this is not about you? I know, in my case, being outwardly bisexual in my, very liberal, community would still have significant impacts on my social life and my career. Is some of your hesitancy related to YOUR fears too?

Another question. Is your wife in therapy or on medications?

 

I don't think that, but you do seem to be in an extreme amount of emotional pain. I'm sorry your friend baled, that is probably more about his own issues from the suddenness of it. Please ask someone for help, with yourself or with your wife. It seems like your trying to carry all the burdens on your own shoulders, and I'm not sure anyone is that strong.

 

Tax, man this sucks. (Probably for your friend to but out focus is you). Ok this was one of my biggest fears. I talked about it in my thread, my wife has threatened a couple times to hurt herself during our marriage. I was scared this would cause her to do something crazy. In fact she did make a comment about hurting herself Monday. I flipped out. Called some support, and told her it she ever said that again I'd report it and she would be required to spend 3 days doing inpatient treatment. She changed her mind (which made me realize she was trying to manipulate me and that pissed me off I was scared and physical ill and she was playing a game). We are moving forward with our separation/divorce slowly but it's still progress.

I'm going to ask you a couple question. Are you happy? Do you want to be in a relationship with a man? How are things with your wife honestly?

 

Here is a comparison between love and toxic love that is pertinent to this discussion:

Healthy Love Vs. Toxic Love: 14 Core Differences

Having endured the latter variety for over 23 years, I am a past master at recognizing it.

 

I just wanted to share with you that I know how you feel. My ex-husband does the same and I am unable to get away from the situation because I am afraid. Of him, his anger, what he'd do.

So even though the general consensus I see on this thread may be correct - that you should move on, her happiness and mental health are not your responsibility - it doesn't make it easy (and in my case at least) or even possible thing to do.

So you're not alone.