What's the right way to come out of the closet?

The only people who could possibly say you are taking it too slow are the young people. People with nothing to lose. Factor in the longtime marriage, kids, house, financial responsibilities, and everything that goes into building a life with someone and only a rational person would take it slow. Like I said before I went through exactly what you're going through but it was 21 years ago. Sure I was married, but for only a couple of years at that point. We didn't have any kids together. The house was not an issue and I was the one with the high paying job so financially it was easy. Even with how "easy" it was it took me 6 months to finally walk away from everything I had ever know in life. 6 months and i tossed it in the garbage for the unknown. For this mysterious hope that it will be better. That somehow I'll be fulfilled. It's scarey....really scarey. There's so much hesitation. What If you're wrong? What if your life sucks after this? What if you never find the girl of your dreams and you end up alone? What if your friends or family hate you for breaking up the marriage? What if they think this is just a mid life crisis? How could you do this to your husband....your kids? Your being selfish. All these things will cross your mind and they will take time to process. So take you time and when you're ready you'll take the next step.

 

Thanks for writing this. I want to reply, but I'm about to pass out for the night. Hopefully tomorrow. Anyway, thanks for writing.

Summary of what I want to say: You do you.

 

Yes. This. Exactly this.

 

Yeah, Jedi, I don't think there's a "right" way to do any of this. I've been really triggered by any kind of "should" as I've been going through this. You have to figure out what's right for you and your family. (Not sure if you have kids you're having to consider as you make decisions.) And, it's ok if you have one set of goals for a while and then later change or adjust them. I don't think our path has to be a straight line. (Womp womp, pun not intended, but it applies).

 

I don't think there is a right way, or a wrong way actually, only our own way. Each and every one of us is different; our lives are different, our personal circumstances are different and perhaps most importantly, our emotional responses are different. Nobody can prescribe a perfect way to come out.

I do think it's important to keep moving forward on your personal coming out journey, even if it's only baby steps. It's important to recognise that challenges and obstacles may exist and some days/weeks it will drain your energy to confront them. On those days and in those weeks you may come to an almost grinding halt and a sense of great despondency may kick in, and it's at those times when the support and encouragement of this community is so important. We can hold out our hands and help you along -- to try to show you a way forward. Of course, we can't live your life for you or make decisions on your behalf, but we can bring hope and inspiration when it just seems too much and tell you that you are "brave" when you don't see it yourself.

 

i think the "right" way is for each of us to go at our own pace. i've been streaching this out over 2 years. i have my reasons, mostly centered around my kid, but for my path to go another way might be more harmful to those i care about than the one i am pusuing.

 

The better question may simply be: What is the right way to have a difficult conversation?

If you think in terms of a difficult communication, you may draw upon past experiences where you have had to do this.

My suggestion has always been the following: Create a private space where you won't be interrupted, then tackle the most difficult part first, no preamble, no hemming and hawing, say it first, in the first sentence, then let it settle in. Silence is appropriate for a bit, then let the real, real conversation begin.

 

I think this is great advice that PatrickUK is giving - keep moving forward. And as others have said, go at your own pace. The two in combination mean: try not to stand still. And if there is an obstacle, work to solve the obstacle.

Interestingly, it seems you have identified what the obstacle is where you say:

So, it seems you want to progress, it seems you know you need to progress, and at the same time you have identified a MASSIVE impediment to progressing. Now the question is: how do you do something about it so you can keep moving forward (regardless of how fast or slow you do so)?

If I recall correctly, you have had discussions with your husband in the past where he is aware of the situation. Assuming you want to continue to be direct with him, may I suggest you sit down with him and explain your need to actually explore and experiment, and thereafter follow through with it? It seems it might be the only way for you to come to a conclusion one way or another. That said, if your not comfortable with having that type of conversation and therafter follow through (and based on your prior posts about your relationship, no one can fault you), maybe you need to consider a more discreet approach.

During my marriage, I was always faithful. However, prior to my marriage, I was active sexually with both guys and girls - and quite extensively. As a result, I never had the doubt from not knowing if I felt right being with a guy - I already knew I was very comfortable doing so. At the same time, I had been involved emotionally and romantically with a guy prior to my marriage; so even there, I was comfortable knowing I could have both feelings and physical desires.

If this is a real stumbling block for you, it behoves you to figure out a solution one way or another so you can satisfy your curiosity. Others on EC have been able to figure it out openly with their spouses, while others took a more discreet approach. You need to figure out which approach is best for you.

It seems, however, this is fundamental to your continued progress.

 

I am doing this in a different order, personally. lol I come out, there's a lull as I allow him to process, then I become fabulously gay, THEN i'll separate. lol We each have our own rooms so I dont have to put up with the unplesantries of sleeping next to him anymore. I feel, at times, as though I am moving far too quickly(I have 3 intimate girl friends and yes they all know about each other), and at other times I feel as though I am moving far to slowly(still living with my ex-which does feel limiting). Ultimately I remind myself that I am moving at a pace that is right for me right now, and that it is just me being impatient.

I always thought I was Bi(or pan) but as time went on I realized how unhealthy my relationships with men were. How I did things because they were expected and not because I wanted. When I came to this realization I started noticing things that I ignored or repressed before, such as how utterly revolting male body fluids are to me and how nauseated I got when they would come in contact with me.

I felt as you describe, worried about coming out and being fully gay, questions like "what if I was wrong?" "how would he feel if it turned out I'm not gay?" but after some pushing, by him, to open up I finally came out. At first I was afraid to say "I am a lesbian" outloud. My councellor would encourage me to say it out loud, to him, or to myself in the mirror, but just to practice. At first it felt awkward and foreign, but as I got used to saying the word I was able to really see how much I identified with it. Its kinda like a new pair of doc martins, you gotta go through breaking them in before they will fit they way they should. I now feel confidant about my orientation, and I can proudly say I am a lesbian to almost anyone. (do I have to tell my dads family? no, no I do not! haha!)

I understand that want/need to be with a woman, for the expirience or just to be sure. For myself, the more times I am with a woman, it cements my decision. Each time makes me happy I finally came to my senses. The only problem in your case, is that there isnt a welcome wagon to the LGBTQ community that rolls up to your door with a "sample lady" to experiment on. (why not? we should get on this...lol) I don't think this lack of expirience will affect your decision, I think you'll be shocked that you didn't do this sooner, or something will just stick out as utterly amazing(ie: the softness of her skin that you were just not prepared for or accustomed to after being with men only). Of course, I don't know you that well, so I may be off.

 

Yes, could you get on this?

 

Bwahaha. I am picturing a really awesome rainbow Subaru Forester full of lesbians of many kinds.

 

Be you and go at your own pace. It is a struggle for those that do switch their orientations but you have people accepting here. TBH everyone has obstacles they deal with and we all think differently.

I changed from being hetero to bi but it took me a few years to process it. Never thought I'd struggle this much thinking which gender I prefer but liking both equally is not a bad thing. Never dated either so, there's that lol.

 

:lol:

 

Yes, we all are on different paths. And a huge path that you fail to acknowledge in this post is that not all of us have marriages or relationships that we need to extricate ourselves from. :dry:

You don't have to be with a woman to identify as L or B and you don't have to identify as L or B to be with a woman.

Again, not everyone here is in a relationship!!! I came on the site when I was coming out, and I've known I was gay since I was a kid, so this may not apply to me. However, I have seen tons of threads where people hem and haw about their identity or hesitate to leave their relationship. For me, I don't see any point in going through all the pain of coming out without becoming involved in the LGBT community and reaping the rewards of coming out. Being isolated from the LGBT community sucks. So yes, being fabulously gay is probably the ideal because being involved in your community is affirming and healthy.

I don't know what getting on with being gay is supposed to mean. But if it means go to LGBT events...then, yes, GO!!! It is awesome and you are really missing out if the only LGBT community you are involved with is online.

You don't have to say L or B, you can just say you are queer and that is all encompassing.

IF you are in fact a lesbian and decide to come out as a lesbian, you will later understand how this stage of uncertainty is getting through the internalized homophobia. If you are not a lesbian, then you will realize it is a part of an internalized biphobia. It just is.

 

There is no rush. You don't have to decide. There is no time line. You have the time to make yourself comfortable and do what feels right for you. Who are these people doing the "looked at as" looking anyway? They aren't important. You are.

 

I have some of the same feelings your having baristajedi. At this point I don't know if I'm gay or bi. I guess I wld like to be bi because I have a better chance of holding onto a lot of things I hold dear to me and I don't know if that's what's holding me back from telling the truth that I'm gay. It's hard to sort through all of these emotions at once. I'm going to talk with my therapist for the first time on Monday and express this to him so hopefully I can figure it out fully before moving the chess pieces on the board.