I've been waffling about my marriage for nearly two years now. The situation is out of control. It's time to make the hard choice. The choice boils down to sex versus love. I love my wife with all my heart, and I enjoy sex with her because it is an expression of that love. But my deepest erotic needs require dick. That part of my fantasy life has been a constant for nearly two decades. They say you should follow your heart. I wish that were true. Love can change. Feelings can change. Emotions can change. Sexuality doesn't change. If I stay with my wife I will always feel that an important part of me is suppressed. I can't live like that. So it looks like I must sacrifice my love in order to free my sex. Maybe that seems melodramatic. But to me, it's a moral choice of epic proportions, like choosing which child will live and which must die. That's why I've struggled with it so much. I believe that after a few years of grief and experimentation, I'll probably find a way to love a man in a satisfying way. I hope that I will find a way to let go of the guilt I feel for hurting my wife so deeply. I hope that she finds a way to move past it and find joy in her life. I don't know how I'm going to tell her (for real this time). I can't bear to face the wounded look in her eyes. I can't look at the pictures of us together. I deeply regret that I've stayed close to her this whole time, keeping the hope alive that things might work out. I didn't ask for this and wouldn't wish this burden on anyone. I feel that I have examined every possibility and exhausted every option. I wish I could say I was resolved and determined, but really I'm just at the end of my rope. I feel detached and empty. I feel like I'm about to let myself fall off a high cliff, and I no longer care what happens. Maybe this is how I finally move forward.
I remember feeling exactly how you do right now... Standing on the edge of the board of the high dive, looking down at the water afraid of how far the drop is. Nervous butterflies in the stomach... Once you start this process, you may beat yourself up. But keep reminding yourself what you're saying now. You didn't ask for this. You are who you are. You still love your wife no matter what. You're not doing this to be malicious. You need to release the pain you're in. Whenever things get tough, you know there's a wonderful community here waiting to listen and comfort you. Good luck starting this next chapter of your journey.
Framing this as sex versus love is a false dichotomy that is causing you unnecesary anguish. You will have both as a gay man once you begin to accept and love yourself unconditionally as a gay man. The love you will feel towards another man will be far more genuine and authentic than the love you feel towards your wife. How can I say this? 1) By definition of sexual orientation (sexual and romantic attraction to the same sex in your case). 2) Based on my own experience. The key is to shed the shame that you feel. Once it's purged you'll get to a place where everything is clear. You get there by pushing yourself to do the things that make you uncomfortable but are necessary for growth, coming out to everyone, immersing yourself in the LGBT culture, and finding the LGBT communities where you can be yourself. No mathematical proof on this one. My evidence is my own experience. QED
Just as you will become stronger over time and get comfortable in your true skin, so will your wife. At the same time, your wife will actually be better off once she gets through her grieving period; and as you see her independently evolve, you will learn that guilt is not necessary. Your ability to love will also develop. I would not be surprised if your anxiety over loving a man has as much to do with the wall you built while struggling with your sexuality as anything else. The more you become yourself, I do strongly believe the more you will let go of your hang ups and let yourself love another man.
Nerd stepping off that cliff is the scariest thing. For me I wonder if I'll find anyone who will want me. I mean I've only been with my wife sexually. And very conservative very religious guided sex. No experimentation, nothing to base this off except just knowing the truth. I love my wife and I've thought for years what I felt towards her was all there was I was wrong. When we step out as a gay man, we are going to get to feel the story book live you know. Cheesy I know I am. But that's what helps be through the guilt and sadness and fear, thinking about what life can be if I'm honest (*hug*)
NB - Just as you now know it would have been better not to have remained so emotionally close to your wife over the past two years, in the future you will see that being fully honest with her now is better in the long run. It might not seem like you are doing her a kindness, but you are. You're investing in both your happy futures. Short-term pain will become long-term gain, for both of you. Separating from a close relationship is more likely to be a process than an event. Experts recommend a grieving period with minimal or no contact. That space will allow each of you to heal. When the time is right, and you're both feeling optimistic about your futures, you may very well find that your wife remains an essential and permanent part of your life. I've seen this play out in most amicable separations and I've experienced it myself. So...this is not an end. It's a change and a transition. Once you both grieve, you'll see that better days are ahead of both of you.
