So I had a petty argument with my boyfriend tonight that turned into a massive argument. The issue we argued over was not substantial, but the tone of the argument escalated. By way of background, I am a bit obsessive compulsive and I am more comfortable when things are tidy and organized. I also can get worked up when I am emotional and loose my cool; having a bit of an anger management issue when I am emotional (never physical, just verbal). Prior to coming out to myself, I was an unhappy and angry person. This in combination with my OCD and anger issues would creat a lot of frequent fireworks. Since coming out, such fireworks have diminished precipitously, although I still have them; as was the case tonight. My boyfriend called me "sick" after this most recent outbreak (does not matter who's fault the initial argument was). It hurt when he said it, and it is still burning as I type this. I have talked with my therapist about my anger issues, and he has helped me conclude that I need to proactively manage these issues, and that a complete cure for me is unlikely without me being consciously proactive to control it. I had hoped after my coming out that such issues would diminish. But I guess these will remain with me as collateral damage even though I have knocked down my emotional wall after coming out. So I guess I am wondering, a bit rhetorically, is this collateral damage from all the years of being in the closet, or am I just damaged? I guess the answer to that question does not really matter. What really matters is that I stay focused on controlling it.
the shame is gone yet the old behavior pattern persists your anger comes from a sense of lack of control have you fully healed from your childhood abuse?
I don't think anyone fully heals from those types of events, just learn to understand its impact and grow from there. As far as issues pertaining to control, I am comfortable that I have effectively worked through those types of notions. Alternatively, you should meet my mother. If you did you would probably see that the apple does not fall far from the tree. At this point, that's probably more of the issue I need to contend with.
Hi OTH, I don't have a lot of insight just now, but I'm following this thread. I have a serious anger problem, and I'm constantly trying to work on it. It sounds like you've had trauma in your past that I'm not aware of. I'm sorry you've had to go through that. I may have some things to share as I think a bit about it, but I'm also hoping to learn from you and others who are experiencing the same thing.
Hi OnTheHighway, Have you both had time to cool down? Are you and he both willing to work through this? We bring so much emotional baggage when getting into relationships, very often it has nothing to do with the other person. It is so important to name these various pieces of luggage, whether OCD, or simply different preferences about things. Obviously, the honeymoon stage is over, which is a crisis point in most relationships (usually by the 6 to 8 month time point), and by crisis, I mean a decision-point has been reached: whether to continue or end it. A very common problem is one partner trying to change or modify the behaviour of the other. All you get for that is futility and resentment. A chief characteristic of long-term couples is an acceptance of the other person's faults for the sake of the relationship, in other words, both partners are committed to the relationship primarily, and work hard to maintain it as a common project. First off, all of these things need to be named, whether it be your desire for order, or his desire for not attending to things right away. Then, decisions need to be made as to whether any of these behaviors cross any hard boundaries (boundaries which you may not have consciously adopted, think about those carefully!), or whether they can be compromised with. Then the desire to continue needs to be evaluated, in other words, this is where the idea of love-as-verb really becomes important. You really need to see the good in him, more than the bad. This is a very conscious decision. Remember also that your partner needs to go through this same exercise, there are things about you he may need to accept and some that he may not. All to say that you both need to talk about this with openness, honesty and a healthy dose of humility... To go back to your question: all of us have wounds, some are deeper than others, some leave scars and some never heal...to think that love heals all wounds is naive, but, nevertheless it may lessen the burden of tending to them if each one of you is able to recognize these wounds in each other and foster a deep respect and empathy for each other for the sake of the relationship. Remember to say to each other daily: I am taking care of myself, for you, and you are taking care of yourself, for me.
