You have all helped me realise something, and I've also been moving toward this conclusion on my own. I'm a thinker, I think and analyse and spin my wheels alot. Thinking is good, I'm happy to be introspective and thoughtful. But.... I could do with a bit of doing . So, I'm starting a list of some things I want to do, and I will keep adding to and refining that list over time. I'm hoping that you guys can also add your own action plans and updates if you feel like it. My goal: gain experience with women (this starts at the basic stuff like eye contact, and goes all the way to being intimate) - make eye contact and flirtation with women a regular part of my normal life. Set aside time 1-3 times per week to go on walks or head to a cafe, a regular public space, where I'm relaxed and in a good mood, and make a conscious effort to people watch and make eye contact and flirt. - go to LGBT meetups once every week or two weeks. I've already been doing this, but I want to continue to do this. Make sure to include events with just women, but not only to go to these. The mixed events are great for building community. - go online and meet women I could be friends with or maybe more. Try to make contact with someone at least once per week. This one is a bit tricky, I don't know how I'm going to do it in terms of my marriage, but I'm going to let my instincts guide me here, being as honest as I can. - Have a talk with my husband about open marriage sometime within the next 3 weeks, and try to make progress to being able to do this. - express interest in a woman, verbally/explicitly. I'm just making a goal to do this for the first time. Once I've done it, I can come up with new goals here. - go to a lesbian bar sometime within the next 3 weeks. - go to one of the meetups that include drinks sometime in the next month. I think this might give me a chance to do and say things more openly than usual. ...I'm sure I'll have more soon. And I will give updates Does anyone else want to share?
I know that overthinking quite well! I think this is a good list. I also decided to go to the local gay bar more a few years ago. Not with any sure intention of meeting someone, but just to get comfortable in a gay space. It helped tremendously. Now it's just a regular place albeit one where I'm pretty sure no one cares if my boyfriend and I kiss. I suspect that you'll find something similar as you put yourself into these places that seem a little scary.
I love this! I'm going to have to keep that in mind as a mantra for myself. ---------- Post added 9th Apr 2016 at 04:17 AM ---------- I also want to go to a gay/lesbian bar for the experience of being around gay women, affection between women, just being comfortable in my skin and in that environment. Also to meet women :icon_wink And the world is such a ridiculous place. It's so shitty to have to find a safe space where you can feel comfortable kissing your boyfriend. Expressing love, being yourself. I'm a bit bitter about that side of things, the heteronormative world we have. It makes me sad.
This looks like a great action plan! Keep this thread going and as you hit each objective, update it. And then look back on the critical path and follow your own progress. Maybe consider adding another one - I sent you a PM before reading this, but it's in my PM to you.
It's sort of hard for me to relate, because I'm not a big planner, but I can appreciate that you are trying to enhance your life and move forward with what you feel to be the path that you need to take. On a side note, went with my gf to a lesbian karaoke bar in Memphis about a month ago. I was just mesmerized by the whole thing. Yeah, okay....I don't get out much.
Thanks . I'm definitely going to update this and track my progress. I think your suggestion in your PM is really a good one, so I'm adding it to my list. And also adding another two: - get involved in therapy again to continue my progress with someone who can provide personal guidance. Try to arrange this in the next 3 weeks. - get my husband to understand my experience and perspective better. This isn't necessary, but I think it's helpful to make us a better team for decisions we make in the future. Especially if it ultimately comes to separation, I want to be a team for our daughter. I have already thought that it could help for him to read personal narratives about coming out late in life, so some of the books I was planning to get for myself would be good to share with him. (and that leads to another goal) - get some books that focus on coming out late in life to feel more grounded and in touch with this experience from various perspectives. ---------- Post added 9th Apr 2016 at 05:34 PM ---------- I will definitely be updating ---------- Post added 9th Apr 2016 at 05:37 PM ---------- This is mostly for me to be accountable for my progress, rather than needing to plan things out. I am guilty of getting stuck in introspection and not knowing where to go and what to do next. So this is a way to make myself do things more than anything else, and sort of serves as a guidepost for me when I get lost every once in a while. Sounds like a great time, btw, a lesbian karaoke bar. I don't get out much either, but how can you go wrong with that combination?
I think perhaps one of the major differences I have with a lot of people here is that I didn't even realize my sexuality until recently. When I go back over everything in my head it starts to make sense. The fact that I've been alone for so long with no real long term relationship. When I am in some kind of a relationship, there is a feeling of the real me and the presentation me, if that makes any sense. Also, when I did finally meet and interact with lesbians, I was seriously fascinated with them, but didn't quite know why. I've always found women attractive, but I just thought that was what everyone did. I mean, the female body IS a beautiful thing, no matter what sex you are right? Well, anyway, I digress. My path is different mainly because my path is different (I am making no sense at all this morning!!!). The fact is, it doesn't matter how I got here, or how you got here for that matter. I am proud of you for knowing what holds you accountable and what will move you forward. I hope someday you find that person who completes you and it will all be worth it.
Adding another action to my list: come out to my Dad while I'm home this month. Thanks for the encouragement. (*hug*) I know exactly what you mean about presentation you versus real you. I have these 2 mes as well. And even though I've always kind of "known" about myself, some of your descriptions of your experiences sound similar to mine. I had the nagging question in my head about being gay or bi, but the clues for my feelings were similar to some of what you describe.
Hi friends I just wanted to update this post, and make notes about my progress in some of my goals. I've actually made *alot* of progress. I'm not ready yet to add new goals, but I suppose that will come soon. Here's some of my goals and my progress on them: - come out to my Dad while I'm home this month. Check! Done! I just came out to my dad yesterday, and made another post about this. It went very very well, and I’m so relieved and happy about it. - get involved in therapy again. I’ve contacted a therapist maybe a week ago and I’m on a waiting list. She said it probably won’t be long until I can start at this point. - make eye contact and flirtation with women a regular part of my normal life. Set aside time 1-3 times per week to go on walks or head to a cafe, a regular public space, where I'm relaxed and in a good mood, and make a conscious effort to people watch and make eye contact and flirt. I’m doing so-so at this, but not doing it as regularly as I’d like. I try to be open and I do make a conscious effort to do this, but sometimes I get shy and freak out a bit inside. Still, I am getting more comfortable and confident overall in this area. - go online and meet women I could be friends with or maybe more. Try to make contact with someone at least once per week. I’ve not been keeping up with this since I’ve come home to visit my family. But I have a site that I registered for, and will get back to checking in there when I get back home. - go to a lesbian bar sometime within the next 3 weeks. I’ve gone to a few bars so far, and have plans to go to a gay bar with a friend when I get back home. Now that I’ve broken into this environment, I feel like I will be comfortable to keep going back. - go to LGBT meetups once every week or two weeks. Make sure to include events with just women, but not only to go to these. The mixed events are great for building community. This is a regular part of my life. I’ve been doing this for a while, and will continue to do this. - Start my own LGBT meetup for people coming out late in life. This is in progress. I already have set this in motion as much as I can. But now I’m waiting for a staff person at the local LGBT centre to do things from her side. (she’s got a lot of events and other stuff to coordinate). - Have a talk with my husband about open marriage sometime within the next 3 weeks, and try to make progress to being able to do this. This is in progress. We’ve been talking and sharing our thoughts on this, but I have put our talks on hold while I’m travelling. We have already made plans to set aside a day when I get home where we can get away and talk, and I already have a plan to discuss this with him and make a plan. - get some books that focus on coming out late in life to feel more grounded and in touch with this experience from various perspectives. I’ve just started doing this, but haven’t read much just yet. I think I will download a couple of new books for my plane ride home as well. --- There are a few things I haven't made any progress on just yet: - get my husband to understand my experience and perspective better. Have him to read personal narratives about coming out late in life, some of the books I was planning to get for myself would be good to share with him. - express interest in a woman, verbally/explicitly. I'm just making a goal to do this for the first time. Once I've done it, I can come up with new goals here. - go to one of the meetups that include drinks sometime in the next month. I think this might give me a chance to do and say things more openly than usual.
This is the first time seeing this thread. So good! I'm so proud of you! I think your list is really ambitious, and you're really doing well with it.
