Hi everyone, I just wanted share my story and get some advice. I was on EC a while ago but have been away for a while due to health issues and have found myself recently being drawn back as I am once again struggling with my sexuality. My story is like many on here I guess. As a teenager I found girls attractive both sexually and emotionally and I always was looking to go out with girls, and was pretty much a regular straight teenager. Through my 20s I remained interested in women, straight sex, had a few brief relationships and then met my wife. We have a good relationship, had a good sex life to begin with but it has dwindled out over the years what with kids and work etc. usual story! But generally I’d say outwardly anyway I am pretty normal middle aged guy. And then there is the other hidden side. In my teens I also regularly had same sex fantasies and was interest in gay sex from a pretty young age. There were a few guys at school who I had crushes on and regularly thought about sexually. The gay fantasies continued through my 20s and I started to realize that I got a lot more turned on by them than by straight thoughts so much so that at times I just wouldn’t let myself think about them. I thought of myself as straight guy but with gay fantasies that I’d never act on. Through my 30s the fantasies and desire got stronger, and I started to look at gay porn or go on gay chat lines, not often but I just felt the need to explore my sexuality more. Into my 40s where I am now and my thoughts, fantasies and desire are all about guys. I rarely if ever think about women sexually and I occasionally go online to gay chat forums or watch porn to satisfy myself. I feel awful for doing it but the urge to explore this side of my sexuality just gets stronger and stronger. All the while I continue to live a regular straight life on the outside. Despite all the above I continue to find myself denying what has become more and more obvious, that I am predominantly gay. At times I can start to accept it but then I look back to girlfriends and having had a straight sex life for a number of years and the fact that I still find women attractive to look at even if I don’t have sexual desires for them. There are other issues for me, I have some mental health issues at the moment (bipolar 2 and OCD) and also I was abused by an older man at 15 and 16. So there are times when I think my sexual confusion is down to these issues as well, they certainly don’t help. That said I am fairly sure my fantasies started before I was abused and they say abuse doesn’t cause someone to be gay. So as I said I am back here, still confused, still denying things and not really sure if or how I can move on. Is there a chance I am not gay, I doubt it but am interested in others thoughts. If I am how do you come to terms with it?? Also am keen to connect with people in similar situations so feel free to PM me.
Hi there :smilewave And welcome back to EC. Your story has a lot of similarities, feeling sort of straight but always having that side of attraction to the same sex that only gets stronger over time. And I was also sexually abused. It sounds like you are dealing with quite a lot. Have you ever gone to counselling? I have to say that therapy has helped me immensely, and I would strongly encourage it for you, particularly now that you are coming out. I hope that you stick around here, as you probably know this is a wonderful, supportive community.
I thought I might be bi but when I think about guys its like I get a real strong almost carnal desire. When I think about straight sex I'm like that would OK or nice its just am not really that fussed. That's why I came to conclusion I'm probably not really bi.
Hey, I can identify with this a lot. How are things on the emotional side? Where do you feel romantic love?
Welcome back. I really feel for your situation. Sexuality is a very complex thing that I am also just realizing - if you have had all these fantasies throughout your twenties it seems pretty certain tha you are craving that side of your life. How are you emotionally with your wife? Do you feel alone? I hope things get better and EC for me is my only outlet currently
Hi and thanks for your comments. Emotionally for me its where things are harder to differentiate. My relationship with my wife is more one of friendship rather than a romantic one. And yes I do feel very alone. I guess I could see a romantic relationship with both men and women its just that with a man it I could see it leading to something more sexual but with a women I wouldn't be worried if it did or not. Often over years I have had girl friends where its been a case of being more friends than anything else even if it started out as something more.
Hi, had a bit of a light bulb moment today. I've always struggled with my past relationships with women as a reason why I am not gay. I thought today what does it matter what happened years ago. Whats is key is now. And now I am certain where my orientation is and it keeps getting stronger. My desires, thoughts, feelings are all toward guys so its time to accept being gay rather than worrying about past relationships. That's how I feel now. Hopefully it might help make some progress rather than constantly questioning? Even writing this I feel nervous but I guess thats a good thing really coming to terms with being gay!
