Finally told my husband...

Hi Dancing Girl,

I can empathize with what you are currently going through. This past week I also approached my husband and told him that I want a divorce. He wasn't blindsided, we are both very aware that we have been unhappy for several years. He also knows that I am gay. I am very fortunate in the fact that we are both on the same page and actually have an appointment to file papers on Monday.

I am not a psychologist lol, but I would suggest to keep doing what you are doing. Keep the communication open between you both. There is a really good book that I referred to before I got to this point. I think it may be very helpful.

It is by Joanne Fleisher and is called Living Two Lives: Married to a Man and In Love With a Woman.

I wish you all the best on your journey.

 

Good job for coming out to your husband. Now I'm just a teenager but I know how it feels to be in the closet. At the end of the day you gotta do what's best for you. If you're worried about your children, then the best you can give them is love. Don't stay in a marriage you're not happy with. It seems like your husband is trying to prolong the process, so be firm and put your foot down. I really wish you love and happiness. Take care!

 

Keep going. You are on the right path with divorce and turning your side relationship into your first one.

It might be a good idea to actually send him links to resources to help him understand? And work on a plan for the future yourself so you'll be prepared when he is ready.

 

Hi <3 sorry things seem so hard right now. My only advice would be probably making sure you maintain a friendship with your husband, if you aren't near family & you're coming out with this and have children you'll at the very least want to be there for each other with and for them. That's a connection you have that you'll have forever. Make sure he knows the good things you feel about him. I guess you have a choice or a few to make. Staying married and talking about what you plan to do as far as another relationship and just not worrying about divorcing or moving. Divorcing but staying together on the house. Splitting but not divorcing and one person moves out, divorcing and one person moves out. Or selling the house but that's a lot for children. If this person you've been with is someone you want to keep in your life and she wants you too is this something that you're planning to move ahead with, so there's more than your husband to consider there's a girlfriend? So is it choosing to be with her and do you want to bring her more into your life? And does he know about her? Is it a lots of issues including you're gay or that plus you've moved on? So many things to think about, there are a lot of answers, even a trial separation, maybe be could even think about seeing other people? Some people have open relationships where they just move on to other people and accept that it just happened and can be friends.... I hope you find the best answers for everyone soon. I wish I had something helpful to add but I wanted to say hang in there, things will hopefully start to feel better soon.

 

I am definately in that boat, some days I cant see the shore, others days I can almost touch it... today I have lost sight of the shore.

"what we're fighting for is peace"
~Uh huh her

If you ever what to chat(my ex is also in denial on and off) please message me.

 

DancingGirl, I feel you so hard it not even funny. Couples counseling starts for us today... In an hour and a half. While I'm not seeking a divorce from my wife, she definitely wants this to "fix me/us" and for me it's to help her understand that I am, indeed, a woman.

Regardless of your specific feelings towards your gf, your husband needs to understand that this isn't some phase you can wish your way out of or just bottle up and put on a shelf. Even if tomorrow your gf left you or you left her, you'd still be queer. And perhaps the shittiest thing about it, is that it has ZERO to do with your husband or your gf. They are characters in your story - ones you should treat with love, respect and honesty undoubtedly, but it is your story. You owe it to yourself to be honest - above all else - to yourself. You're on that path, like most of us here.

Keep your chin up, lean forward, and swing your arms... Get into the stride of the walk, your walk, and you'll get there.

I'm sending big hugs and much love to you!!

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. It sounds awful. (*hug*)

I've read similar threads over the past year, and one thing I learned is it is a bad idea to have sex with him as it prolongs the loss.

 

My story is exactly yours without the kids. The only thing is I lost the girl friend because she couldn't take being a part of something like that. You know you have already checked out of the marriage so it is time to go. Give your GF an exact date or time line and stick to it. Dragging your feet is only doing damage to your relationship with her. Either way you are going to leave. The only question is will you be alone when you do? My situation only went on for four months. Do not have sex with him....you would now be cheating on her. If you want to end up with her then you need to show that or risk losing her all together .

I was 26 when an old friend from middle school looked me up because she thought I might have turned out gay. But by the time she had looked me up I was already married to a man. I did inform my husband of my same sex attractions prior to marriage but I never had a same sex experience before. So when she came along and we started talking he encouraged us to explore those feelings. That didn't work out so well for him. The closer I got to her I realized what I was missing in my marriage. I discussed all of this with him as it was happening, but he still only saw it as a physical attraction. I wrongly played the fence. Still thinking I could fix my marriage while satisfying the physical intimacy requirement with her. She wouldn't go beyond kissing because I was married which left me sexually frustrated and I would end up back in his bed. Uggg ....was I stupid. He thought it was great because in his mind our sex life had improved. But by that point I was now cheating on her. Because our lines of communication were so open he gave us permission to take it further. She and i went on a weekend trip to Vegas and i made love to her for the first time. Afterwards when I told her I was going to leave him and get a divorce she freaked out and said she did not want to be the reason I broke up my marriage. On the ride home from Vegas on Sunday she was really quiet. By Monday she sent me an email saying she couldn't be apart of this any longer. I made several attempts to reason with her but she told me to go away and would not talk to me. I left my husband three weeks later but I did so alone. I never saw her again. That was 21 years ago. I did meet someone else and we have been together for the last 20 years and have a beautiful daughter together. So it did work out for me in the end. But don't risk losing that person because you waited too long. I already knew I was leaving him before my Vegas weekend. I should have just done it. You've been asking your GF to wait for 4 years. She's been patient but eventually it will run out.

 

I'm so sorry honey. I send hugs!!

I don't think that your girlfriend will let you go after one date with another woman. She has been in your life for years.

 

I am glad to say that I do not have the pressure of parents- his or mine interferring in what is happening.

My situation is similar- except my husband was pretty sure I was gay and not bi-it took me a little while longer to figure it out

Are you going to counseling by yourself- so that you have someone to talk to and help you as you navigate this journey? I would be lost without mine

That person would be good about helping you set boundaries- and recognizing and realizing why you do and don't- so you are more aware of your behavior. You cannot make your husband believe you. If he is in denial- then that is his problem. You can only control how you respond to it.

If you do not want to ever have sex with him again- then the next time he asks- say so. Let it be the same answer all the time. No mixed signals- no hope- no pretense.

For your in-laws- inform them that these desicions are between you and your husband- and you appreciate their concern- because (it sound like and I could be wrong) they do care- however they are hurting you and your husband by interferring they way they are.

I hope this helps- I keep hoping I will get my shit together as well- some days I do- most days I do not--- day by day- and sometimes hour by hour living.

Keep posting

 

I am sorry SHE is going on another date.

That sucks!